Footballiversity #11 – September 2015

Multiversity was a DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month saw a story loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #11 – Footballiverse Special 1

September 2015

Footballiverse Special 1 is told through Jose Mourinho’s first-person narrative.

I wake up. It is a good day outside my window, which I can see through a crack in the velvet curtains of my bed-chamber, where my beautiful wife lays, basking in my glory, but inside, inside of me, it is not a good day. There is a campaign against me, Jose Mourinho, one which is trying to undermine me, separate me from my friends, my home, throw me onto the streets.

I pick up my phone, the background, me, smiling back at me – a memory of happier times. I check Snapchat, ignoring the many, many people sending me pictures from their bedrooms, as I do not need to see them right now. I see Brendan Rodgers has updated his Snapchat story. I click on it, to amuse myself. The first shot is a fuzzy picture of him in his kitchen with me. It is Photoshopped. Badly. The caption reads ‘A few drinks with my mate. Mental.’

I roll my eyes in disgust.

I do not check my emails because I know what they will be about. Ms Carneiro, ‘Eva’, they call her, as if they know her. Eva, always Eva. I could tell them what I want to tell them, that she disrespected me and the club by ignoring orders, but I do not, because it would get me into trouble. The campaign against me is fierce.

Tactics run through my enigmatic, high-speed brain as I ready my breakfast. Tactics, options. Ways to beat the system. The system that is corrupt at its heart, heavy with the bleeding of its spirit, a twisted spirit which is now determined to stop me. But it will not. It will not. I will not let it.

My players, I think some of them may be part of it. They play badly now, when they played well before; they do not care now, when they cared before; they do not love me, as they loved me before. I must find which among them are part of it, part of the campaign, so that I can remove them.

I removed John Terry, my lieutenant, as a trick, a ploy. I wanted to see how my players would react to this, to weed out the traitor in my midst. It did not work – which is unusual for me – but I have suspects. I have a list. You do not want to be on that list.

When I arrive at the training ground I see out Diego Costa. I see him as a son, a brother, a fellow victim of this conspiracy against us. We are friends. He has a list too.

You are on it.


Footballiversity #12 will be available on the 4th of November. Remember, remember the fourth of November; satire, whimsy, and shots (being fired).

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