Footballiversity #2

Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a story in a different version of the DC universe (eg the kids of the well-known heroes who have nothing to do because their parents created a utopia where the bad guys can never win) loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe the comics industry got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9th and 14th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

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“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

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