Footballiversity #5

Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a story in a different version of the DC universe (eg kids of the well-known heroes who have nothing to do because their parents created a utopia where the bad guys can never win) loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #5 – Footballiverse ¼

March

In honour of the release date of this oh so anticipated issue of Footballiversity, Footballiverse ¼ is the land of the April Fool and is one of the Footballiverses that is most similar to our own. Basically, well, you’ll see…

[We are in a television studio. APRIL FO- no, I’m kidding, we really are actually in a television studio. More specifically, a television news studio. Alex, the dashing young news anchor, has just handed over to Jo for the month’s sports news. (Both of them are trying to avoid having to speak to Mike, the weather guy, because everybody hates Mike. He’s a bit of a jerk. This isn’t relevant to the story, but, y’know, you’d hate Mike too if you knew him. He’s a real ass. Laughs at Farage’s jokes, thinks Katie Hopkins ‘has a point’, etc etc etc)]

(ALEX): And now here’s Jo with the sport.

(JO): Thanks, Alex. This month of course saw tremendous displays of sportsmanship and level-headed media reaction from ex-professionals and non-ex-professionals alike.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahaha

ACTUALLY, Jonny Evans and Papisse Cisse had a kicking and spitting match which was a little pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as EVERY EX-PLAYER WORKING IN PUNDITRY scrambling over each other to say that spitting is STONE DEAD THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN ON A FOOTBALL PITCH. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Venn diagram of players who said this and players who have been, say, racially abused or on the end of career ending tackles looked like a pair of Harry Potter’s specs.

IN OTHER NEWS, football has shed its sexist image and is embarking on a long voyage of gender equality.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahah- actually, this isn’t very funny

Video footage emerged of Manchester United, Man City, and Arsenal fans shouting sexist BS at Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro, as well as fans in the Football League yelling similar stuff at a lineswoman. FFS LADS, cut these thought processes the hell out of your lives. Along similar lines, not only do Manchester United not have a women’s team, which is increasingly the norm these days, but it was confirmed that they don’t even have plans to set one up anytime soon.

AND FINALLY, on a lighter note, Steven Gerrard – the real captain, leader, legend, and Phil Collins’ greatest fan – continued his glorious road to retirement with a stellar performance against arch-rivals Manchester United, in his final game against them with Liverpool at Anfield.

…….. (draws a breath)

APRIL FOOLS, HE GOT SENT OFF WITHIN FORTY SECONDS OF BEING SUBBED ON AT HALF TIME AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – seriously, nothing against the man and I wish him a long and happy life with his family but this is too funny – HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Editor’s note: We have a certain page limit for these Footballiversity issues so we’ll have to end things here, but just imagine that those AHAHAHAHAs continue off into the distance, fading into a beautiful, soothing sunset. Chelsea are still first and all the rubbish teams are still rubbish if you’re interested in those things.]

 

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Footballiversty #6: April, will be out on May 6th (hey, look, evil Star Wars day. What do you mean you’ve never heard of evil Star Wars day? May the sixth be with you. May the SIXTH. Like the Sith. Geddit? May the SITH be with you. And it’s evil Star Wars day because, you know what, never mind)

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