Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a story in a different version of the DC universe (eg kids of the well-known heroes who have nothing to do because their parents created a utopia where the bad guys can never win) loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.
Footballiversity Issue #6 – Footballiverse 7
Footballiverse 7 is not too dissimilar from the world of a popular HBO show called ‘Well it’s not a spoiler for me to tell you about the Red Wedding before it happens because the books have been out for ages- oh wait, what’s that, GRR Martin is never going to finish the series oh curse the Seven’. However, where this Footballiverse differs from the televisual universe is that, whereas HBO’s offering shows female nudity that is gratuitous it’s jarring, here it is male nudity on show, signified here by “*PENIS*”.
There was a knock on Jon Snow’s door.
“Enter,” he said. The messenger *PENIS* entered.
“Pray tell, what is the recent news south of the Wall,” Snow asked “In the race for the Premier League title?”
“As you will well *PENIS* remember, Jose Lannister and his men were well positioned when last we spoke.”
“And have they won–?”
“Shush, *PENIS* that doesn’t fit my linear narrative”
“In truth, t’was not an interesting month,” the messenger continued “of most interest is which lords will fail to pay their debts to the realm, and will thus have their lands taken away from them [Ed: he means relegation]. Ramsay Pearson’s men have of late become most efficient, winning battles and plundering loot, but Lord Ramsay…”
“What?” Jon Snow *PENIS* prompted.
“Ramsay Pearson was involved in an unsavoury incident with a squire that became quite public. It appears that Lord Ramsay is, well, not particularly *PENIS* nice.”
“Well, he always did seem a bit strange.”
“Lord Louis’ men began the month well, but have lost several battles recently, and there are increasing rumours that their key guardsman, Ser De Gea *PENIS* is to leave the Seven Kingdoms to return to his home land of Espayynos *PENIS PENIS*.”
“And,” Jon Snow *PENIS* paused, trying not to let his feelings for his home enter his mind – he had made a vow to give up his family ties and never use his *PENIS* again, after all “What of the North?”
“Ah,” the messenger said “The Northmen are revolting. Lord John Carver of Mars does not appear a worthy general, and his financier Messyr Ashley does not seem to care. There are rumours they may well find themselves tied up in the [metaphor for relegation] battle like a lord in a whorehouse *PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS* if they do not watch themselves.”
“A true shame,” said Jon Snow “Now, finally, tell me, what of the race for the title? Are the wealthy and powerful Lannisters led by the arrogant, narcissistic Jose still favourites?”
“Yeah, but it’s been all but wrapped up for months so who really gives a *PENIS*.”