Footballiversity #7

Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series (by now it may have stopped, I’m not sure) written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #7 – Footballiverse 89

May

Footballiverse 89 exists in the darkest, dankest, grimiest backwaters of the Footballiversity. Instead of actual football matches, the beautiful game is told through Jonathan Pearce commentating on animal death-matches (features Robot Wars references).

*The disembodied voice of Craig Charles echoes through the ether, accompanied by the sound of young boys banging their hands on sheets of protective plastic

“LET THE RELEGATION BATTLLLLLLLLLLLLE BEGINN!”*

“Thanks, Craig. Today’s battle is a Relegation Death match, five animals go into the ring, and only four can come out. The ginger-haired, gravel-voiced, clarets of Burnley and the well-paid, well-groomed Rs of Queens Park Rangers have already had their blood smeared across the arena floor, their insides sizzled in the flame pits, before being tossed down into the Pit of Oblivion to join the scum of the Championship next year. But who will join them?

“The Black Cat of Sunderland, the Fox of Leicester, and the Villan of Aston are the favourites for the drop, but the Tiger of Hull and the Magpie of Newcastle both have reliability issues and might find themselves being counted out if they’re not careful.”

*Disembodied voice of the voiceover man: “THREE. TWO. ONE. ACTIVATE.”*

“AND IMMEDIATELY THE FOX IS TEARING INTO THE MAGPIE! It has it by the SCRUFF of the neck and it is NOT LETTING GO! The Villan and the Black Cat are doing well early on, but the Tiger looks sluggish.

“Can the Tiger recover? Not at the moment it can’t. KEEP AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z, KEEP AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z (corner patrol zone for our new viewers). Black Cat, Villan, and Fox continue to do well, but Magpie looks to be limping after it’s bought with the Fox, AND THE TIGER STILL HASN’T GOT AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z AND IT IS IN DANGER OF GETTING ATTACKED BY THE HOUSE ANIMALS AND BEING ELIMINATED!

“Black Cat and the Fox look to be trading blows but it seems like a bit of a stalemate, the Magpie and the Tiger STILL don’t look like they’ve got going AT ALL in this fight and it looks like the Black Cat and the Fox will be safe, as well as the Villans. They’ve all done enough on points to see them through should it come to a judges’ decision.

“It comes down to the final moments of the match, but it looks a foregone conclusion, the Tiger needs to pull something out of a hat if it’s to survive BUT NO, BUT NO! THE TURGID TIGER HAS TAKEN A TERRIBLE TURN. IT MAY AS WELL HAVE GIVEN UP! THE MAGPIE, WITH A FINAL LIMPING PUSH OF ITS WING, SHOVES THE TIGER DOWN, DOWN, DOWN INTO THE PIT OF OBLIVION.”

*Disembodied voice of the voiceover man: “CEASE!”*

 

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Footballiversity #8 will be out a week later than usual, on the 8th of July, because the first Wednesday of July is the 1st and it’s my birthday the day before.

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