Footballiversity #8

Multiversity is an ongoing DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month sees a loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #8 – Footballiverse 66

Women’s World Cup… and Beyond

Footballiverse 66 is a place where England football teams get lucky. Lampard’s goal would have been allowed, all those missed penalties would have been scored, and Paul Scholes would have been played in central midfield before ascending to his rightful position as an actual irl deity. The narrative picks up in the Women’s World Cup semi-final, at the point where Laura Bassett had the misfortune of seeing her interception go into her own net, putting Japan ahead with only seconds of the game to spare. But it was only an own goal in our Footballiverse. In Footballiverse 66, this is what happened…….

 

[BBC Live Text]

 

90’ Japan counter-attack down the right wing. A cross is played behind the line of the defence as they are running back to their own goal, aiming for one of several Japanese forwards to run onto it. Laura Bassett sticks out a leg, the ball loops up, up, up… And out for a corner.

 

90’+ Japan’s bus-stop corner comes to nothing. The referee blows for the end of the match. We’re into extra-time here.

 

96’ Japan keeping the ball well here. Quite boring tho tbqh.

 

112’ England shoot wide from a good move. Still level.

 

120’ ENGLAND SCORE!!!11!11!!! A foul by the Japanese left-back gave England a free-kick in a good position. Karen Bardsley, the goalkeeper, was waved forwards by England manager Mark Sampson and a fantastic delivery by Fara Williams found Bardsley unmarked. There were suspicions of handball as Bardsley bundled it into the net, but the goal stands, and Bardsley becomes the first goalkeeper to score in any senior football World Cup [Ed: This may not be true. Sounds legit though]. England are into the final.

 

FINAL

 

-5’ Boos and cries of ‘Freedom’ and ‘USA’ ring out from American supporters as God Save the Queen plays. Bloody Yanks.

 

1’ So here we go, England against the United States of America in the World Cup final on Independence Day weekend.

 

2’ Abby Wambach, the talismanic American forward, who has insisted on wearing a bald eagle costume for the match, misses a sitter. The ball squirms off one of the talons and hits her in the face. There is a long delay as she is helped back to her feet.

 

9’ The referee refuses America a penalty for a ‘foul’ (dive) from an American player. A Republican senator takes to Twitter to call the ref a ‘commie’.

 

10’ The Republican senator claims their account was hacked. In the match, still 0-0.

 

11’ ENGLAND SCORE!!!!

 

12’ ENGLAND SCORE!!!!!!

 

13’ ENGLAND SCORE!!!!!

 

…..

 

90’ ENGLAND SCORE AGAIN!!! THAT’S A GOAL FOR EACH STATE OF THE U.S. OF LOSING A!!!!! 51-0!!!! YOU CAN TAKE YOUR INDEPENDENCE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASSININE PATRIOTISM. GEORGE WASHINGTON, ABE LINCOLN, TOM SAWYER, GEORGE W BUSH, HOMER SIMPSON, YOUR GIRLS HAVE TAKEN ONE HELLLL OF A BEATING!!!

 

FINAL WHISTLE +180’ America comes crawling back to England, praying that we can teach them how to be a better nation. Discussions ongoing.

 

FINAL WHISTLE +200’ Snap UK election called bc David Cameron and the Conservatives can’t be trusted to teach America how to be nice.

 

FINAL WHISTLE +200’ +2 months Bifurcated wins the election and implements good policies. All is well. All because we smashed the living hell out of the USA.

 

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Footballiversity #9 will be out on the 5th of August. Probably. But the football is over for the summer, so it might be back in September. Whichever.

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