Footballiversity #9

Multiversity was a DC comics series written by Grant Morrison. Every month saw a story loosely tied around a seemingly haunted comic book. Footballiversity and the various numbered Footballiverses are a shameless rip-off of the comics device (found elsewhere too, of course) of using parallel universes when you have nothing else to write about, and is an idea that came to me while reading Multiversity, although in a parallel universe Grant Morrison got the idea from me.

Footballiversity Issue #9 – Footballiverse 3

…All of Time

Footballiverse 3 is a place where sustained linear narratives do not exist. Instead, ‘What If’ situations rattle against each other, providing 16 ars/s (alternative reality situations per second). It’s tourist season is mid-May to mid-August.

 

What If… Steven Gerrard hadn’t had THAT SLIP

Liverpool go into the last match of the season able to win the title. The press, naturally, goes into over-drive, likening the situation to Istanbul, as that is the only other time in living memory that Liverpool have been interesting. Gerrard gets so confused that he thinks the match is being played in Istanbul, and books a flight there for the final day.

 

Brendan Rodgers decides to boycott the match as GerrardtheTalisman is not in the country, and Liverpool are docked points for being ridiculous. Rodgers is sacked, mobbed, and has his head torn off and stuck on a spike that will remain on the gates of Anfield for 50 years. Due to the mismanagement of the club though, no replacement is made for the decapitated Rodgers for 18 months.

 

Steven Gerrard, meanwhile, believing that he is a Beowulf-like legend in Istanbul, had not taken any money with him to Turkey, thinking that all would be provided for him. It was not. Desperate for money, he tried to join a mob or something, but was rubbish at it. On one job as a goods runner, he slipped, notifying the police to his presence. He was arrested and imprisoned for seven years.

 

What If… England had entered the early World Cups

They wouldn’t have won any and we’d spend the next seventy-odd years blaming South American weather and trying to convince everyone else that anyone who had beat us were cheating.

 

What If… Moyes had succeeded at Manchester United

Moyes would have succeeded at Manchester United. After becoming United captain and leading the club to three Trebles in a row, followed by a quintuple, Marouane Fellaini has his statue built outside Old Trafford right next to Charlton, Law, and Best.

 

Moyes is fast becoming the greatest manager that United have ever had. Unfortunately, just seven years into his reign, he is shot and killed. Underground conspiracy theories trace the assassin back to Sir Alex Ferguson, though this was never proved, and anyone that did prove it subsequently disappeared.

 

What If… England hadn’t lost all those penalty shoot-outs

Penalty shoot-outs are a fixed point among every timeline and cannot be altered, not even by the majestic and ever-fantastic power of the Footballiverses (read some Stephen Hawking, will you?).

 

What If… Lampard’s goal had gone in against Germany

We’d have still lost you numpty.

 

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Footballiversity #10 will be out on the 2nd of September. The day after transfer deadline day. Ffs.

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