Canvey Island Cds, Tapes and Vinyl: Bettina from Berlin
Friend of Bifurcated and United fan Bettina from Berlin (beebberlin) was in her kitchen, on her laptop, trying connect to a stream of the United game. When suddenly she noticed that the stream was growing and becoming a river. The river then became a lake. And then the lake became an ocean. The ocean was carrying a ship, bearing the Bifurcated Train!
The conductor tossed Bettina a one euro coin, gave her a high-zehn, and challenged her to a sack race towards the platform, before realising he didn’t have any sacks.
There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination…
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Canvey Island!
At the other end she was politely escorted in the direction of the now world renowned car park and the now familiar car-boot sale stall, run this time by someone who looked the spit of ex-Manchester United and Molde player Ole (he was in town and insisting on positioning himself closer to Manchester United, by any means necessary(?))! Superfans of the Canvey Island series were desperately trying to get the stall-holders autograph.
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As is now the trademarked format for this world famous post the stall-holder has a message. Those superfans joined in, though struggled somewhat, as its kind of made up as I type. Who knew?! “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for an episode of friends after a misunderstanding over an apothecary table, anyhow, won’t bore you with the detail, it’s always just pointless padding to add to the overall nonsensicalnessness … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at funf for one euro, you can enjoy picking some of your funf favourites of all time?!”
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… And this is what Bettina from Berlin picked, and why (in her own words) …
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And Then She Kissed Her by Phillip Boa & The Voodoo Club
“My first encounter with real music was at the tender age of 12. Tragically (or so I thought at the time) the blond-locked boy who introduced me to it, via an often copied tape, didn´t introduce me to anything further. Still, it made me the misunderstoodest girl in class with the wierdest band names on her pencilcase; it made me feel sexually advanced because I had sort of a crush on Pia Lund, the female singer (a bit blond, a bit cheap and a bit out of tune is still my type, think Cerys Matthews, Wendy James, Patsy Kensit). As a consequence I put shaving cream into my hair to make it stand up (I stank to the high heavens, due to the unavailability of any decent hair product in East Germany), declared that I didn´t care about having a boyfriend anyway, and my mother refused to walk on the same side of the street with me.
Underage Boys and Girls, can you believe it: That was at a time when nobody would be seen dead with a cap on, even in the coldest winter days, because it would have ruined your carefully styled hairdo.”
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So Wat´cha Want by Beastie Boys
“Only a few years, and two boyfriends later, suddenly everybody wore woollen caps like there had never been a problem with them, even in the summer. You could now buy every record on earth, if you happened to have the money, there were hair products galore and yet no demand for them anymore, and in Berlin we had at least one illegal bar for every day of the week (Montagsbar, Dienstagsbar, Mittwochsbar, you get the picture). We used to jump around to this one like drunken fools, and I still swing back and forth fervently in my rocker whenever it comes on.”
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Fools Gold by Stone Roses
“Brought to me by the same distant aquaintance who also warmed me to the idea that some football teams are more attractive than others, especially if they happen to have Ryan Giggs playing in them. A simple tune with nothing much happening and nevertheless (or because of that?) endlessly exciting. In that respect it maybe even better than The Stranglers’ Golden Brown.”
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Out Of The Blue by Roxy Music
“One-night stands, gin and Roxy Music: There comes a time in your life when you think you are over them, and old enough to know better, and then afterwards comes a time when you know how to really appreciate them. The clarinette loop with the semi-tones: It´s probably a cheap trick composers learn in first semester, yet I can´t help but fall in love with every song that contains something like that. Ashes To Ashes by David Bowie has another example of that, ‘pink-ponk-padada’ – maybe somebody can help me out with the appropriate musical term?”
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Pocketful Of Money by Jens Lekman
“A recent mixtape favourite (yes, some people still do that). Mixes well with just about anything.”
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Just before Bettina headed back to the platform the Ole “look-a-like” stall-holder, batting aside the crowds of fans around him, pointed her in the direction of the old abandoned book stall, and asked her to pick out a book, for free, for the journey home.
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… And Bettina picked …
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Winnie-the-Pooh by Alan Alexander Milne
““Then, suddenly again, Christopher Robin, who was still looking at the world, with his chin in his hand, called out “Pooh!” “Yes?” said Pooh. “When I’m–when–Pooh!” “Yes, Christopher Robin?” “I’m not going to do Nothing any more.” “Never again?” “Well, not so much. They don’t let you.” I challenge anyone to find me a line in a book that describes the end of childhood more poignantly.
I only encountered the bear of very little brain as an adult, and it has since become my most loved, most given-away, and most read-out-loud piece of literature. The landscape of my dreams is a Sussex wood drawn by Ernest Shepard, and every pun, line and character resonates with me because of the deep wisdom and general human kindness contained within them. One of the happiest occurances in my life is meeting a nice person who hasn´t made the acquaintance of Christopher Robin and Piglet and Rabbit’s friends and relations yet (or only through the disastrous Disney version), and giving the book to them. I most certainly get along with you, if you like it.”
And then we dropped Bettina from Berlin off, not before wringing out her laptop with our bears’ hands … well we weren’t gonna use our own!
A reminder you can follow Bettina on twitter, here > beebberlin
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To submit your own five favourite singles and partake in our spectacularly amateurish kidnapping scenario email us at:
hello[@]bifurcated.co.uk
