United fan and Bifurcated friend Tricia (@Tr16ia) was scouring YouTube for old clips of Roy, when she was suddenly disturbed by a screeching of steam engine wheels. The Bifurcated Train doesn’t run on steam – it was just a cheap sound effect – nonetheless it had arrived!
(If you’re new to this post, it doesn’t make any more sense as it goes on – just go with it.)
At the other end she was nudged towards the old car park and the now familiar car-boot sale with the stall, run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United and Cobh Rambler’s player Roy Keane! (Who else?!)
As is the now the copyrighted format with this nonsensical post, the Roy Keane look-a-like character has a message: “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for a friend of a friend’s friend after a miscommunication over some shampoo, anyhow, won’t bore you with the detail, it doesn’t make any sense anyway … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at 5 for £1, you can enjoy picking your 5 favourites?! – Wait! Did you say you’d copyrighted this format??!! Oh … another “joke”!”
“When asked for five favourite songs, I have to think of five favourite performances, because to my mind, if a band or a singer can’t deliver in a live performance, they are artists with no lasting legacy. So, here you are, in no particular order…”
“Yeah, laugh at the bell bottoms, the huge hair, the buckskin fringe but just listen to the incredible musicianship all over the fucking place. The greatest guitarist alive Carlos Santana, great work on the Hammond organ by Gregg Rolie (later of Journey), amazing percussion, silky, hypnotic Latin-infused rock, ending in a two minute blistering jam session.”
“The best solo female performer I have ever seen live and I’ve seen them all. Tina snarling, sweating, strutting, stomping, sexing up the damn place at age 50. Such magnetism. Hot woman, hot song, hot performance.”
“This song, with lyrics from a 1919 poem, has been recorded by many an Irish musician from the Wolfe Tones to the Dropkick Murphys but never as hauntingly as this. It’s an ode to young Irishmen dying in British uniform in World War One while fighting (ironically) for the freedom of “small nations.” Sinéad slows the tempo and transforms it into a magnificent howling lament, accompanied by haunting percussion and pipe from The Chieftains. Emotional and instrumental perfection.”
“Not a one-hit wonder, as many people claim, but a band that made you work for your loyalty with their many clashes and breakups and off stage drama. But this is simply mesmerizing. You want to be there in that heaving mass of humanity and share in the experience. So fucking jealous of anyone who was.”
“I was there in the crowd, and it’s the best performance of One that I’ve ever seen. Stripped down, MUTV-less, it is a powerful song, with a simply great lyric, sung by a much-maligned Bono at the height of his powers.”
Just before Tricia headed back to the platform the Roy “look-a-like” stallholder pointed her in the direction of the old abandoned book stall and asked her to pick out a book, for free, for the journey home.
“I love 19th century English literature like Bronte and Dickens, so I am tempted to offer up “Wuthering Heights” or “Bleak House” as my choice, but actually my favourite book is a piece of 20th century adventure writing. It’s “Into Thin Air” by Jon Krakauer, his account of the 1996 Everest mountain disaster, when eight climbers were killed by a rogue storm on the peak of the world’s tallest mountain. It is alternately enthralling, chilling, fascinating and horrifying. I cry every time I read about mountain guide Rob Hall radioing his wife from the peak, where he lay dying of exposure and cold, and telling her “Sleep well my sweetheart. Please don’t worry too much,” while thousands of meters below, his climbing teammates listened in helpless horror. Everything good and bad about humanity is exposed on the icy slopes of Everest and Krakauer nails it.”
…and then we dropped Tricia off, back where she was as if nothing had happened. Had it happened? Yes it had! But had it really happened? Yes, it really had. But has … Shut up now!
Remember, you can follow Tricia on twitter here > @Tr16ia
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