Friend of Bifurcated Jay Goolaup (@yashi2612 ) was off down to the local shops to pick up some bits, but as he opened his front door he stumbled across a train station that had appeared on the pavement outside his house.
The conductor handed him a £1 coin and pointed towards the platform. There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination …
(Yep, okay smart arse, you’d probably have to disembark at Benfleet, as Canvey Island doesn’t actually have a station, but did you really think a train platform just appeared on the pavement?)
Jay arrived and was ushered towards a disused car park where he found a car-boot sale and a stall run by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United and England player Lee Sharpe.
The character had a message for Jay: “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for a friend of a friend after a miscommunication over a singles-night, anyhoo, won’t bore you with the detail, this post is depressingly convoluted enough … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at 5 for £1, you can enjoy picking your 5 favourites of all time?!”
“Hendrix does to Blues what Man Utd did to Arsenal at Old Trafford this season; he absolutely smashes it! The guitar rewires my brain every single time I listen to this track…”
“The trumpet, Louis Armstrong’s deep gravelly voice, the lyrics, the old-fashioned simplicity and romance… I love everything about this song.”
“The King was probably the most consistently good singer ever in my opinion, with a big range too. But I went for his dirtiest song… Elvis was bad in his early days… The rock’n’roll was great though!”
“I grew up on Bollywood and have always idolised Rahman (for people who don’t know him, he composed the soundtrack to Slumdog Millionaire and 127 Hours). This song is from the soundtrack of ‘Dil Se’. The Urdu lyrics, the modern multi-layered beats and Rahman’s imperfect voice conveyed the melodrama of Bollywood like no-one had done before.”
“The drums. The surreal and insane atmosphere crafted by Jimmy Page around the drum beats. The 20 seconds or so from the 2:26 mark. That is all.”
“I read it a long time ago as a kid. Captivating like anything to my young mind. Would love to read it again!”
…and then we returned Jay home, via the shop, for his bits, of course.
To submit your own five favourite singles of all time and star in our nonsensical kidnapping scenario email us at: