Tomfurcated UniBen’s Minute-Bi-Minute Real-Time Matchday Adventure: Chelsea



I think you should add stuff at the top like this.

Team news 26 October 2014:  Eleven United players against eleven Chelsea players most likely.


Today’s Match Pack: United vs Chelsea preview

Key:  Benno is red because that’s the colour he bleeds when you cut him.

Tom is black because it’s the lazy choice.

 We can’t edit it at the same time. Probably best we take it in turns. Have just texted you this so its all kinda pointless but i think it makes good background reading for Brett when they show him why his website failed. I think we need to update and then exit each time.

That’s what I said in my text, you thief.  Ignore my comment about adding stuff at the top: this makes more sense in our world and it’s also a lot easier.

Teams are out on the pitch. This’ll help. Chelsea seem to be in a bluish kit whilst United have gone for a more risqué and daring red. 1-0 United.


KO: United KO, classic centre-circle start to the game, both players involved using their feet to move the ball. Yadda yadda Chelsea, Fellaini wins by being a tree, Di Maria skys it.

0-8min: Still waiting for my stream to stop jerking around like a massive jerkin-wearing jerklord from Jerkovia.

12th min: Rafael gets booked in least-shocking news since Jimmy Saville.

13th min: All players playing human statues.  They’re unbelievably good at it.  So good in fact, even the clock has stopped.

14th min: I AM GOD! I hit refresh and they all started moving again.  No Refrehers or refreshments though.

16-20th Min: Obligatory mention of MK Dons defeat, assume its contractual. Smalling, plagued by Cornish guilt, misses a goal with his head.

21th min: It’s days like this when I wish Dad hadn’t had a massive row with Sky and switched to Virgin.  What kind of father allows his favourite child to suffer the indignity of streaming?

26th min: Luke Shaw  makes a tackle that almost makes you forgive that jean/jacket ensemble. Kiss of death’n it but not looking to bad so far. That last bit is actual opinion so don’t act like this is all just rubbish.

34rd min: Mistake by a blurry red player almost lets in an equally blurry blue player with big hair, but his heavy touch allows another blurry red player to get the ball and pass it back to a blurry green player.

35th min: Fabregas does one solitary clap before free kick; can only assume this is some kind of illuminati reference/code.

37th min: Di Maria kicks it at the chelsea keeper of goals.

40th min: Dave Saves like the wonder llama he is

44th min: Someone tell Mata to take the 50p’s off his boots at half time.

45th min: Twitter says it’s 0-0 at half-time, but my stream’s still going.  I reckon we could still nick one here.

HT: Classic half way point. Although not if the added time in the second half is less/more than stoppages in the first. Makes you think. Still believe UanPersie chase 4balls like a chamelion.

Lolwot? (I’m imagining this bit as us in the studio doing all the banters and all the analysissies)

Fine.  Don’t reply.  I’ll do it all by myself.  A good half of the football with some good kicks tempered by some worse kicks.  There were a couple of yellowy cards and no goals.  I’m eating lots of Maoams.

I had to leave because Souness started flapping that gaping vortex of interlocking fangs he calls his mouth. Eating Rice Krispie cakes.

48th min: Massive lols as Chelsea are referred to as ‘underdogs’.

51rd min: Fellaini swings his foot at the round thing.  No goal.

57th min: Some blatant gamesmanship results in a flukey goal that goes against God, Science, The Beatles and PS4.

58st min: Classic shoddy build-up leads to no goal.  Still 0-1.  All my Maoams are gone and now I won’t be able to eat my dinner.

61st min: Some fascinating insight into the removal of ‘hacking’ from football’s lexicon, paving the way for rugby. Ive learnt so much. Footballs still happening.

64rd min: Di Maria gives the ball away again.  This is my first and last serious post.

67nd min: James Wilson on for Mata. 



68th min: Ivanovanovanovic hits a shot that goes for a throw. Its the little things.

75th min: Terry goes down and the world seems a little brighter. Not quite the vicious shark mauling I was hoping for but thats this game all over to be honest.

84th min: Rojo barges one of the Courteeners.  My dinner smells good.  Will eat it regardless of the gut-full of Maoams and despise myself later.

88th min: Dowd officially announces engagement to Chelsea.

91st min: Still 0-1.


94rd min: Still 1-1.

HUZZAH! megalolz at Chelsea. Deserved in my opinion. Which counts for nothing because I work with my hands.

98st min: Still 1-1.

107nd min: Still 1-1.

111st min: Still 1-1.

117rd min: Still 1-1.

128nd min: Still 1-1. 

164rd min: Still 1-1.

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