EL: United vs. Zorya

tax-dodger

 

Ben ICBM-nominated for beating Brett at Stratego (@Benglorious)

Zorya is not a thing. Even though I’ve now heard of it, it’s still not a thing. Apropos of almost nothing (the Bifurcated motto), here’s some things that start with ‘z’ that actually are things:

  • Zebra (shit horse)
  • Zombie (shit person)
  • Zodiac (shit goats and shit)
  • Zelda (shit little boy dressed like a shit pixie)
  • Xena (shit warrior princess who can’t spell)

United should be able to beat all of these quite easily, apart from Xena who could probably muster a half-decent XI.

 

Prediction: Rashford to score on his Zorya debut to continue his incredible run of debut goals. Rooney to do something to further his narrative, possibly by reading a book or kicking a ball good. 5-0 Zangief.

 

mcg FUBAR-nominated for Judassing with another website (@tom_mcghee)

Zorya Luhansk were originally FC Porto but changed their name in tribute to that crazy old bitch in the old James Bond movies who worked for Blofeld and had knives in her shoes. If I was less lazy/better qualified, this is where there’d be a youtubed moving picture highlighting how comically bad she was, both at her job (Killing Bond) and just kicking in general. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (1989)

In this, Dr. Henry Jones Jnr’s final outing, we join “Indiana” (Spoiler: that was the dog’s name!!) on another globe-trotting adventure whilst he tries to find the Holy Grail before those goddammed Nazis. Accompanied by his dad, Sean Connery, it is beyond awesome and anyone who hasn’t seen it yet (Josh, Hookhand) has no excuse and is scum. Sub-human scum. Highlights: Venice catacombs, ‘They’re trying to kill us’ ‘I know Dad, it happens to me all the time’, some classic yer da moments, an invisible bridge, learning that Jehovah starts with an I in ancient Aramaic, and a Ghost Knight. 5 out of 5 popped corns.

Prediction:  Brett to win his C&A award, 1000 goals.

brett C&A-nominated worst person alive (@ttackattackattack)

With the news that Captain Wayne Rooney will be absent from the starting XI with a (never getting) back (in to the starting XI) injury, United will be forced to rely on their strengths and goals.

In spite of our vast knowledge of tonight’s opposition (see them two towels above p.s Benno: Zlatan), I have done some additional learnsearch and uncovered a secret list of their tactics, and highlighted how to exploit/combat them. Therefore, winning the game.

1. “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” – Our players should remember not to fall for this request at set-pieces. Even if they say please. Therefore, winning the game.

2. “Driven to Tears” – Our players shouldn’t be fooled by ‘crocodile tears’. Therefore, winning the game.

3. “When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What’s Still Around” – They may well use the corner flags/referee’s whistle/goalkeeper’s towel … anything that is available, as a weapon. Our players should let them, so they get sent off and reduced to less men than the amount they start with. Therefore, winning the game.

4. “Canary in a Coalmine” – Our players need to be wary of them “playing dead” Ref: Ashley Young. Therefore, winning the game.

5. “Voices Inside My Head” – Our players should tease and bully their tap-tap-curly-wurly-cuckoo players. Therefore, winning the game.

6. “Bombs Away” – Our players need to look out for long balls over the top of our defence. Therefore, winning the game.

7. “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da” – Our players shouldn’t be distracted by impressions of Scousers/Scum. Therefore, winning the game.

8. “Behind My Camel” - Our players shouldn’t bum a camel. Therefore, winning the game.

9. “Man in a Suitcase” – Our players should look out for suitcases in the penalty area. Classic Trojan Horse. Therefore, winning the game.

10. “Shadows in the Rain” – Our players should look out for ex-Gladiators, if the weather turns drizzly. Therefore, winning the game.

11. “The Other Way of Stopping” – Our players should go the other way. Therefore, winning the game.

Prediction: Tom and Benno to not win their awards, despite being the only nominations, cos losers. 0-0 United.

3 Responses to “EL: United vs. Zorya”

  1. “Ooh look, my names Brett and I can write twice as much as the other, better-looking guys” Pathetic

  2. There is dignity in silence

  3. Any cunt can write lists of songs

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