United will be looking to continue their fine run of form from the ’98/99 season and kickstart their run to this year’s FA Cup final with a convincing victory over Shrewsbury Town. The League One side know they can’t offer the glamour of a Champions League tie against Juventus, but the mayor of Shrewsbury, Miles Kenny, is confident that the Shrews will not hold back against their legendary opponents: “It is not a question of thinking and hoping that we may win – we are going to win. If it is not an outright win then it will be a draw.”
Opposition Summary: Two of Shrewsbury’s notable players are David Moyes and David Pleat but neither are playing against United due to them being cup-tied or whatever. Another Shrewsbury player I’ve heard of is goalkeeper Steve Ogrizovic, but he won’t be playing either because he must be dead by now.
Prediction: United to turn those frowns upside-down and score more goals than they have all season. Three, I think. 0-0 United.
Now we’ve all heard of Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday, but I bet you a pound not so many know where they come from. Prepare to be amazed; it’s Shrewsbury. Birthplace of the now humble shrew, this booming seaside town was once home to all the nation’s shrews and where they formed the first rudimentary government*. Compromising of a cabinet (or ‘Shrove’, the collective noun for a group of shrews i.e. A Shrove of Shrews) of 12 Elder shrews, they would rule with benevolence and compassion for a period of twelve months before merging to create a Shrove-King (like the rat-kings of New York where a group of rats become so entangled they form one giant rat) who was then sacrificed to allow another twelve shrews to take over. This Shrove King was always burnt of a Tuesday (Shrove Tuesday) and the ashes were collected the next day and daubed on the town’s children to give them luck for the forthcoming year (Ash Wednesday) -that’s why we eat pancakes. Anyway, we’re playing them.
John Wick (2014)
Keanu Reeves has escaped the Matrix and is no longer friends with Bill and his wife is dead but he’s got a cool car. In a thinly veiled swipe at Abramovich, the bad guy is a Russian mobster but he’s quite sound really, it’s his jerk-off son that ruins it for everyone. Anyway, they kill his dog and this makes Neo like props mad yo and he gun-fu’s everyone to death with like pew pew Hai Ya! moves and it’s ace. That aside, pretty good.
Prediction: We should win so easily its silly but we’re so bad now it is also silly. ‘Enough of the silliness’ is what I think we’re all….thinking. I’m quite tired. 6-0 United. Or 2-1 them, its hard to guess.
* The Taming of the Shrew is secretly acknowledged as being mostly allegorical to this.
Sorry. It’s a no. I’m dead.
Prediction: Nobody to realise Benno’s used a picture of a sengi which is technically not a shrew. God, all our readers are idiots. 0-0 United.