Newcastle, as far as I’m aware, does not have a new castle. Nowhere does. Castles haven’t been built anywhere for hundreds of years [<<check this]. It should, therefore, be called ‘Oldcastle’. However, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have an old castle either [<<check this as well], and seeing as there isn’t a name for a castle of an intermediate age [<<should be checking as you go, d*ckhead, the whole paragraph depends on these things being true], we’ll just have to settle for calling it ‘ ‘.
So, United visit the flagship Sports Direct store today, fresh off the back of drawing Baron Münchausen’s champion, or whatever [<<why does this seem familiar?]. Fan reaction this week has traversed the entire gamut of spectral emotionality [<<is this a real thing?]: from the Abed Nadir of very disappointed with the style of play and lack of ambition, to the Zenith Data Systems [<<correct antonyms?] of knowing that we gave the European Champions a proper match and didn’t disgrace ourselves [<<is there a difference between those two things?]. In either case, a didn’t lose is a didn’t lose and we can carry that confidence of not losing into today’s game and not lose again.
Players to watch out for: Peter “appeared in my GCSE biology textbook because of his weird false teeth” Beardsley; Mirandinha “the first Brazilian to play in the Premiership [<<doesn’t seem correct/find out when Prem started/nope, got it: poss. Bolivian]” No Last Name, and; Jimmy “face like a bag of smashed crabs licking piss off a nettle who is also quite possibly AntDec’s dad” Nail.
Prediction: Jones will have remembered to wear boots with studs for this match, so will sneak a cheeky goal early on to set the figurative and literal ball rolling. Rooney will score from 87 yards, and Mata, fresh from his midweek holiday trying on new shoes, will link up with Janizzi (copyright @tom_mcghee) to score his second goal for United and clinch a comfortable three goal victory. 1-0 ‘ ‘.
About the author: As I’m so sick of having to do this on my phone, I’m heading down ol’ Californi way to get me some of that internet.
Mum had a garden parasol and some hanging baskets up for grabs, but I needed them for my new place so I bagsied them. Dunno why I put this one in.
If cupboard chops was familiar with the concept of picking a consistent team, this might be the ideal opportunity to rest a few players and rotate the squad; freshen things up a bit, bring in some fringe players – that sort of thing. As it is, for our David, it’s just another opportunity to delight and surprise. Having said that, such is our David’s tactical wont, we no longer have a stronger team to look after and protect with the big European nights looming; just a pool of equally ill-fitting square pegs to shove anywhere but where they prefer.
Match going United fans should be sure to pack their suncream as the fight for mid-table security is really hotting up: it was tepid last week and this game is going to shoot the temperature lukewarmwards.
I’ve really missed Alan Pardew’s smiling face. I’ve been throwing all sorts at a portrait I’ve got on my wall for hours now, and still not stuck one on him.
Prediction: 2 – 3 Danny to get through one on one with the keeper, and learning his lesson from against Bayern the other night, tries to sell him a dummy and then chip him, when perhaps a low shot would be more appropriate and/or boring … just the way we like it.