Sunderland vs United

 

Ben (Benglorious):

Second game of the season today and my username and password for this site still haven’t been revoked.  In light of this, I’ve decided that I’m going to up my game in the preview stakes and finally put my name on the Top Red map.  Not today, though.

After last week’s 1-0 victory over Swansea, Vangle has started exactly as the fans wanted him to.  I was actually at Old Trafford for the game, and my only quibble with the performance was that my view was obstructed for most of the ninety minutes so all I saw was Rooney’s goal.  My second quibble is about the noise at the stadium: I paid good money for my ticket, so is it too much to ask for the other seventy-five thousand match-goers to just sit quietly for an hour and a half and just enjoy the spectacle in front of them as I wished to?  I hope this is one of the next issues to address on Vangle’s list.

Sunderland are the destination today, and they’d better not concede any penalties as we have a ruthless track record against the Black Cats.  In fact, my window cleaner reckons that out of the 263 penalties United have taken against Sunderland over the last three seasons, we’ve only missed one and that was because Anderson had eaten the ball after extra time due to him not being able to last more than ninety minutes without eating.  What I find most remarkable about this is that I don’t have a window cleaner and after his visit I also don’t have a telly anymore.

Sunderlands to watch out for today are ex-alumni Wes Brown and John O’Shea as they’re both awesome and pretty much the only names I recognise in their squad.  United on the other hand will have their new signing, the Argentine Mark Rogers, playing at some position in the back two/three/four/five (delete as to your own interpretation of the hipstormation).  Apparently, he’s famous for getting boners when he clears the ball.  While this sounds a bit odd, I’d imagine this is actually a pretty good tactic to employ against those strikers that love sticking their arse in whilst they’re shielding the ball.

[Phone rings: “Hello? ……  Yes, Mum, I know his name’s not Mark Rogers ……  Yes, Mum, I know it’s not ‘boners’  ……  Well I thought it was funny  ……  ……  ……  ……  What do you mean ‘no work permit’?  ……  ……  But that’s stupid; United are a MASSIVE company type thing, why would they sign a player who can’t  …… Woodward? Say no more.  Oh, while I’ve got you: any information on our starting lineup?  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Injured?  ……  ALL OF THEM?!  ……  Well, who  ……  Cleverley AND Fellaini?!?!  Oh, FFS.  ……  It stands for ‘for fu  ……  Why did you ask me then?!  ……  I don’t know why I abbreviated it to you, it’s a thing that the kids are doing  ……  ……  ……  Yeah, you only get 140 characters  ……  Yes, characters are letters, Mum  ……  I DON’T KNOW –  THEY’RE JUST CALLED ‘CHARACTERS’  ……  Sorry  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Welbz?  For reals?  ……  *sighs* It means ‘really’ ……  Yes, it’s another young thing  ……  Yes, Mother, I’m aware of how old I am; stop changing the subject.  Are they really selling him or is this more media rubbish?  ……  ……  Just because a journalist says something it does not make it fact  ……  …… This may shock you, but newspapers aren’t free  ……  Yes, okay, but the Parish Newsletter is not a national publication, is it?  ……  BUT THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SEND IT TO AUNTY GLORIA!  ……  Look, I’ve got enough filler now to make this look better/longer so I’m going.  Love you.”]

Prediction:  Danny will prove all the haters/lovers wrong/right today by banging in six goals from 8 shots in the warm-up.  During the game, Robin and Rooney will reignite their partnership with a goal each before halftime, with both being subbed off at the break and only being replaced by Welbz.  He will play both their games as well as his own and end up scoring four:  two headers set up by himself from incisive crosses, one calm finish after a lovely flicked through-ball from himself and the fourth coming after some lovely work down the left from himself before he reacts quickest to bang his own cross-come-shot into the roof of the net.  1-0 Sunderland.

Brett:

*Engaged tone*

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