I’ve actually been to Stamford Bridge a few times, and a couple of those were even to watch that football thing that so many people know and love. I’ve seen Eric get booked for scoring an outrageous lob on Boxing Day and I’ve also seen Rooney miss a penalty in the League Cup, but that one was for Everton so nobody cares. Now that I think about it, United have a 100% record (P-1 W-1 D-0 L-0 GF-3 GA-2 Pts-3) away at Chelsea when I’m at the match so things bode very well for the next encounter.
[Phone rings: YO!…… Sorry, Mum, it’s my new answering thing. Cool, innit?…… It means “isn’t it” but it’s shorter…… Yeah, I suppose it is already shortened. Never really thought about it befo… Anyway, stop distracting me with grammar stuff. What do you want?…… Sorry, Mum; what can I do for you today, my wonderful and beautiful sire?…… I’m not taking the piss…… Well I’m sorry you feel like that, but I’m not……. FFS…… Yeah, I know you know what that means…… Why? Because it’s quicker to type and Brettney doesn’t allow swear words on here…… Yes, Mother, I know what “meta” means; that’s the joke…… Well, you think Mrs Brown’s Boys is funny so I’m not taking advice on comedy from you. Good day, madam…… I SAID “GOOD DAY”.]
Turns out United are at home, and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t be going as I’m barred from Fulham due to a pending libel case involving Al Fayed over a previous preview from before in the past. Chelsea players to watch out for are Kerry Dixon, Adrian Mutu and John Terry’s dad. Wink, wink, sniff. Allegedly.
Prediction: After masterminding a resounding victory against the Baggies last week, Vangle will be looking to keep the momentum going. His team will not disappoint. Medium Angel will get his first goal-setting-up pass of the season that isn’t a scuffed shot, when his delightful dinked through-ball is thwacked into the roof of the net by Medium Robin. Medium Juan will pull himself out of his recent funk by doing one of those boner kicks that have been on the Twitter all week, leaving the Chelsea keeper gaping open-mouthed as the ball sails over his head into top bangs. Medium Marcos will have Diego Costa so deep in his pocket during the match that the Spanish striker will be choking on lint and five pence pieces for ninety minutes. Medium Janners Aye will finish up the scoring with ten minutes to go with a towering diving header, also into top bangs. 1-0 Chelsea.
This week’s recipient of the acrostic-love is Rafael Pereira da Silva, more commonly know as Rafael. This is lucky for me as that surname is far too long for someone of my limited vocabulary. Besides, he’s only little and there aren’t any pictures of him that are big enough to fit the acrostic in.
Rafael, 24, lists his interests as wrestling, millinery and Fabio (the model/actor).
I was at Stamford Bridge when Chelsea got relegated. By Middlesborough. They were a lot funnier then.
Prediction: United to win 2-1 because Mourinho leaves 85 minutes early. This blatant disrespect backfires as Chelsea forget it’s a real game and spectacularly collapse due to internal strife after an incident at their weekly quiz night (Spock is only HALF Vulcan).
This should’ve been longer and had more jokes but I’m saving all the best other two for the MBMBM thing.
Ed.- You should’ve been longer and had more jokes.
What else can we say about Mourinho and Chelsea that hasn’t been said before? Well, for a start, thirteen minutes before every other away game, Mourinho selects members of the squad out of an oversized hat (a bit like the one that Dr. Seuss lent Robbie’s brother, Pharrell) – how they all fit in there, is anyone’s guess. Those picked are then forced to rest pickled eggs, tween their torso and toppy arm bit – in the pit of the arm if you will, if only sciencers had given this area an appropriate name – and then the players who manage to keep said pickled egg intact (after formal inspection by former, or possibly current kit man Garry Grey) for the first 45 minutes, plus stoppages, of the match, are given a free ticket for the club’s Christmas meat raffle. Those who go on to protect the pickled egg until the end of the full ninety minutes, plus stoppages, get a basket of pot-pourri, Jose has prepared and put together himself. And how about the cocktail umbrellas the Chelsea players are instructed to put up and carry around with their opposite hand (easier for those in the squad who are amphibious) during training sessions played in heavy rain, so that Jose can serenade them with a reinterpretation of the theme tune from Jossy’s Giants, imaginatively entitled, Jose’s Giants, with Bryan Robson on keyboards. We’ll not get into the hedgehog crisp tiddlywinks champion ship they sail around Chelsea harbour. None of these things are of course true, but they are three things that have never been said about Mourinho and Chelsea before. Which was the thing I was doing.
As Leyton Orient fan Jon Bongiovi noted in his unforgettably hugely massive big hit Midnight in Chelsea based on the really real life real occasion he was kicked out of Stamford Bridge for aggressive hair: I’ve seen a lone, sloane ranger drive. And haven’t we all. Let’s hope Vangle has taken heed.
As for Manchester United: quite the conundrum. ‘Specially, what with conundrums only normally consisting of nine letters. Anyway, fingers on buzzers: start the clock…
GOT IT! Ahhhh! Eat my brain on toast! All bow down to my wordsmithery … ‘Humanist Centre’! Oh, now wait, gah, not enough letters. I didn’t want to play this stupid game anyway. Okay…
‘Decennatherium’! Bless you. Not even sure if that’s a word that exists and means an extinct genus of giraffidae (I dunno, I just copied and pasted it), and not enough letteYou’ve panned and filled for long enough now.
Prediction: Susie Dent with her customary 7.
All together now…