This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?
The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.
Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.
Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:
last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer. Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.
Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.
This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.
I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.
Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*
*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.
Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.