Bifurcated Manchester United ~ United vs Swansea

Ben (Benglorious):

When Brent asked me if I wanted to continue previewing United games for the new season, I was more thrilled than I was on my last day at the orphanage. Christ, I hated working with those whiny kids.

It doesn’t really seem that long ago since the last season finished. Can’t remember how it ended, but I’m sure we played well and if we didn’t, I’m sure we tried our best. Summer was jam-packed full of awesome stuff to tide us over, though: There was the World Cup in Brazil, which must’ve been won by Brazil because they’re the best and obviously have local knowledge of the pitches in Brazil; There was the Commonwealth Games, which according to Wikipedia is “just a shit Olympics” {citation needed}, and that must’ve been won by Scotland because they can run and jump and stuff I imagine, especially as it was held in Glasgow; What else happened? What else happened? What else happ… Oh, Rolf Harris caught ebola or something. Actually, not a lot happened in the summer apart from the World Cup. Which was fine.

Anyway, on to United. Louis Vangle (my joke, regardless of what you heard elsewhere) is the new man in charge. He’s won stuff in other places, and he talks funny. That puts him one up over Moyes already. He’s got a very flat face, and his hair must be amazing because of all the talk I’ve seen about him and Vidal Sassoon being best pals or whatever. You must know by now that I don’t research any things. But what if this is the first thing by me that you’ve read? If so, I don’t research anything. I said that a minute ago. If you were a bit brighter you could’ve put the pieces together earlier and skipped this explanatory bit entirely, saving yourself valuable seconds. Idiot.

The first visitors to Old Trafford this season will be the mighty Swansea, who ply their trade in Wale… Hang on. Pretty sure I remember saying that Welsh teams shouldn’t even be playing in an English league, and that I’d refuse to write about them. However, I also remember Bryll saying that if I wanted to maybe possibly almost definitely be paid this season then I’d have to write about every opponent, regardless of country of origin.

Ummmmmmmmm. White kits. Ooh! That Mike bloke who only cost an unbelievable £2 a few seasons ago. Oh. Mum said he’s out on loan and said to her on the phone that he was very happy where he is at the moment. Bugger. That doesn’t leave me a lot to work with. Let me double-bluff you all by quickly researching their squad list and then do some rubbish name-based jokes in my now world-famous “Players to watch out for“* section: Angelwrangledanglefanglespangle Rangel is a slightly more handsome Martin Keown, and is a slightly less good defender than the aforementioned Neanderthal; Bony is the main striker, banging in the goals when he’s not singing about Russian love machines, and; Jonjo “why, mum and dad, why?” Shelvey is also a Swansea player, who apparently should be wary of Harry Potter coming to get him. I personally find this preposterous as Harry:

1) is highly unlikely to play in any form of competitive football against JJS as he’s a Qudditcher and not a baller

b) is half the size of JJS: he’s just a boy compared to the man-sized lump that is JJS, and would therefore easily get his public schoolboy teeth kicked in

IIV) is a fictioner.

Prediction: If pre-season was a yardstick to measure future United performances by, then we’d have two and a half feet of a chance in this game. I don’t know what that means either. New boys Andy Hairer and Ashley Young will be the ruiners of Swansea, combining lethally in the final third of the pitch to each set up a goal for the other taking United into a comfortable halftime lead. A quick formation shuffle by Vangle after the break to 2-1-1-1-1-1-1-2 will see the club’s beloved captain score his first two goals of the season, before he drops back into the “1” (the fourth from the left “1”, or maybe the third from the right “1” – that’s the beauty of hipstormations**; anything is unimpossible) position to allow Mata and Welbeck to carve Swansea’s defence a new bum crack, adding a goal apiece. United will then ease off for the last ten minutes, letting Swansea get a charitable first game consolation goal scored by, I don’t know, Vorm or someone. The United team will then invite me and Tom on to the pitch to join in the crowd appreciation, thank us for our telling match previews and also let us take a turn at kicking Anderson until he cries and leaves the country. 1-0 Swansea.

*To be read in the voice of that X-Factor announcing bloke or just really pompous and loud if you can’t do his voice.

**Coined and minted by me. Not Tom.