United v Swansea

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

I like Swansea. The football team, not the godforsaken scumtown. Vangle doesn’t. The football team, that is. I have no idea what he thinks of Swansea because he keeps his town reviews locked away in a special cabinet along with all our goals AMIRITE LADS?!?!?!? I’ve never been to Swansea. I’ve been to Stevenage and that was pretty bad, so Swansea must be worse. I’ve forgotten my poiBRETT STOP STEALING MY JOKES BUT KEEP STEALING TOM’S THAT’S FINE.

Prediction: United to continue the excellent form showed(?) shown(?) showned(?) sharona(?) in the clinical defeat of Chelsea last time out. Cor, what a game that was!! Rooney will finally prove that he’s fully recovered from his Graft Versus Host by actually kicking the ball where he means(?) meant(?) meanst(?) meatiness(?) toBUT WHAT IF THAT’S WHAT HE’S ACTUALLY BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME, LIKE IT’S NOT HIS SKILL LEVEL THAT’S DROPPED BUT HIS EYE/BRAIN COORDINATION COMBINATION THING IS ON THE FRITZ YEAH MAN I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN LIKE HE IS ACTUALLY KICKING IT WHERE HE WANTS BUT HE WANTS TO KICK IT TO THE WRONG PLACES BECAUSE HIS BRAINBOX IS BROKEN YEAH I JUST SAID THAT I THINK I(?) WE(?) THEY(?) GET IT. Wow. 0-0 United, but one of those good ones where we win 0-0 not one of those bad ones where we don’t win 0-0.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Tom hasn’t done a preview because he “was legit too super high”. Jokes on him because he can’t remember us constantly bashing him on the head. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Tom to one day do the honourable thing and do some actual work. As-If United, both scored by Rooney. 

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 Brett(@ennaseznilnnilinnit)

It’s tres bantinous of the football head office boss management to make Vangle play the team he always loses to, the pm before he gets sacked. If we didn’t laugh, we’d probably be my Uncle Bob. Not even a polite titter when I showed him some of our a joke. Shame he had that accident the very next day to death. I forgot my pint.* That aside, pretty gud.**

**Like Tom’s catchphrase but more sexy and cool.

*Like Benno’s catchphrase but more sexy and cool.

Might adopt ‘tres bantinous’ as my new catchphrase. Could use some of the cash from my proper football writerings*** with Paul and get some t-shirts printed.

***Puppet pictures paint a thousand words.

Snakesy the serial snake, to snake around like the snake that he is. Ballsy the ball balls to balls it all up as per. Tricky the tricky trickster to trick us with his tricks. And tiny calfs Finnigan, to grow hairs on his chinigan. Again.

Rooney to roll back the years. About 31 should do it. And then we can set fire to his parents.

I done these words almost 16 hours before the match. I’m literally the future.

Prediction: Rivers of blood. Here comes the flood. Bang. 0-0, United to not score first.