United vs. West Ham

paulindacarlisle

Ben (@Benglorious)

It’s a little known fact about our opposition today, but they don’t actually have anything to do with ham. Your best bet is venturing into a local supermarket, where they sell all sorts of different varieties of ham apart from west. You won’t see any football if you do this, though, so it’s a Catch-22 situation. I haven’t read the book.

Prediction: Ibra to miss all the sitters but Rooney to get the plaudits by missing one less sitter. Sitter is a funny word. Sitter. The more you see it the more it doesn’t look real. Sitter. Sitter. Is that 150 words yet? 1-0 West Ham.

 

mcg (@tom_mcghee)

West Ham are based in East London, an area long-associated with bad slags and geezers; never buy a car there as its probably at least three cars cuts and stitched together like a Royston Vasey Basilisk. The Football Club’s formative roots stretch back to 1900 but they existed for at least 5 years prior to this as  Thames Ironworks FC. They joined the football league proper in 1919 and have won the FA cup three times!!! Celebrity fans include The Krays (may god have mercy on their murdering souls) and Danny Dyer (Danny Dyer is a cockney person who cockneys) Their manager is a Vampire.

West Ham also won the Intertoto cup in 1999 and a BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award for something. We’ve won it twice. So…

Rick & Morty season 2 (2015)

Rick and Morty continue to have some legit madcap adventures after learning to communicate through Jessica’s feet. Felt bad for Krombopulos Michael, needs a spin-off imho. Also, Morty is clearly @akaunclesteven but with two hands. That aside, pretty good.

 

Prediction:  Party cake wrapped in a paper napkin. Like it’s 1999, if we win convincingly, on a bed of knee-jerk. Either way you’re all cunts. Thinkpiece pies all round with a special shout out to Ol’ Fergie Ferg, washed down with a hot take of your faces, on the relative merits of Mourinho. I should have copied/pasted this better. 0-0 United.

brett (@ttackattackattack)

After seeing off Feyenoord in the last round of the Treble Winning Season Cup, we now face West Ham – pronounced ‘West Ahhhhhhhhm’ – in a two-legged almost-a-week-long knock out special. Winner takes it all. No time for losers. Hot dog jump in fire.

I’ve done some research this week, and it turns out Bernie Slaven Bilic’s eyes are hired golf balls from the sea front pitch and putt in Torquay, that he never returned – ergo forfeiting his deposit –  after an incident on the 16th hole involving two eye sockets and two hired golf baActually that’ll do. 150+ words. Submitted. Invoice in post. If you two pre-washed towels want to play the boss guys, then you better start rolling out some fat stacks for this dynamite double gold.

Oh yeah, and I’m Alive!! Like Johnny 5 off of Shorts Her kit. But handsomer.

Prediction: Thinkpiece pies all round, on a bed of knee-jerk, washed down with a hot take of your faces, on the relative merits of Mourinho; with a special shout out to Ol’ Fergie Ferg if West Ham win/don’t lose/fail to let us win convincingly. Party cake wrapped in a paper napkin, like it’s 1999, if we win convincingly. Either way you’re all cunts. 0-0 United. Sitter.

One Response to “United vs. West Ham”

  1. Have you seen my hair lately? I look like Myra Hindley ffs

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