Poor old Ander Herrera. First, Vangle calls him a nice guy and then says he’s a great player. The guy can’t catch a break. Anyone would think there’s better players ahead of him in the team rather than football-related legal issues that could be damaging to United in the future. My advice to Ander is to steal the captain’s armband off Rooney when he’s sleeping off a Haribo binge. That would make him untouchable. That’s enough serious stuff for now. I don’t want to spend another night locked in the basement with only Brett’s recordings of Nick Grimshaw on loop. I’m more of a Westwood fan.
United visit the Boleyn Ground today which was built out of Henry VIII’s wife’s bones. Catherine of Aragon’s, I believe. Vangle will be looking to capitalise on City’s dropped points yesterday by beating West HaWEST HAM!! IT’S A COMPASS MADE OF HAMS AND IT’S POINTING TO THE LEFT, OR “WEST”, HAM!! That boy is too good for this website.
Prediction: Vangle will distract Sam Allardyce with the amazing rebus at the top of this page, leaving him unable to motivate his team properly. We all know that footballers need their manager to tell them how to play football before every match due to them being a bit dim, so West Ham will really struggle today unless Big Sam cracks the conundrum. Herrera will start as captain after Rooney somehow mislays his armband, and the talented Spanishman will be the architect of United’s most convincing performance of the season. Falcao will prove one three-hundredth of his worth by scoring his first hat-trick for the team, and someone else will score the fourth. Robin, let’s say. 1-0 West Ham.
United’s new record signing was only too happy to chat to me as I ran alongside his car on the A56 earlier in the week. He listed his likes as leather gloves, minimal psy-trance and shuffleboard tournaments:
What the hell happened to North and South Ham? I mean, not only is it weird to name an area after a pork product (possible racists?), but why then leave out the two most vital directions? I was going to use this opportunity to “preview” the game but, compelled by curiosity, I did a little research using books and that, and I think the results will speak for themselves:
Ham was first used to describe that part of London in 1787 and it took only two generations before the entire region was split into its four quadrants; East and West seem to have enjoyed a fairly stable relationship but North & South, locked in a battle for nuclear supremacy, soon came to blows* As the more peaceful cockney types left to the East and West to roll out barrels and play the ol’ joanna, the North soon became a Totalitarian state and continued to ramp up arms production despite the very vocal opposition of Lambeth Council, culminating in the now not-famous Bethnal Green Treaty of 1825 where both sides were told ‘To stop being ruddy idiots”**. Things seemed to have stayed relatively peaceful for the next 50 years or so until the death of the North’s Supreme Leader Tim John-Hill (a benevolent and friendly leader and top class drinks waiter) who was succeeded by his son (also called Tim). Its here that historical records get a little hazy but it seems obvious that with the re-introduction of a nuclear arms policy, disaster was inevitable. And so it proved: November 12th 1895, a seemingly innocuous nuclear meltdown, spun by a disparate media as a pre-emptive attack on the North by a craven South, soon engulfed Ham in bloody conflict – scientists with science have now proved over 254*** nuclear warheads were detonated over the 3 day conflict – which explains Ilford – literally blowing both regions clear off the map. May God have mercy on their Chas N Dave Souls. To this day people have no idea how both West & East Ham escaped the fallout or sustained so little damage but if you drive through there and really look, you can see the nightmares haunting every face. And it explains the lack of glottal stop. Probably.
Prediction: Nuclear War will destroy us all. 2-0 United (the red ones. Boy theres a lot of Uniteds aren’t there?) goals scored by divine intervention like how Moses did that trick with the Red Sea.
*Further reading ‘1898 – Knees Up Mother Brown: A barrow-boys nuclear winter’
** A quote mistakenly attributed to King Arthur who we now know to be either fictitious or long dead by then.
This game illustrates just how tight the footballers’ league is this session. League one side Westham can get within four points of us if they win and are awarded three points for that win. Three points, if awarded four points. Two points, if five etc. Fingers crossed The Pools Panel don’t award them any. Of course, we have no need to worry about Westham winning, as Vangle’s boys will no doubt give it to them like the modern day Bon Jovi we deserve: slippery when wet, laying them down in a bed of roses, and shaking it up just like Barry Venison. They don’t call us a football club for nothing. It’s cos we beat teams with a club made from hat-tricks.
Though the transfer window has shut, no-ones mentioned the transfer door, and with the FA being so nostalgic (*find a kinder word for ‘archaic’. *remember to delete this note. *if you don’t delete it, don’t worry
all the people Paul will probably think it was accidentally on purpose. *nice use of the strike-thru btw.*p.s 2008 just called and they’re sending a courier to take it back. *p.s 2009 just called *etc) they’ve probably left it on the latch like you could do when they were young, so Vangle should use this opportunity to chuck some money at his I call bull shit philosophy squad. We need a young hard-working technically-superior good-hearted midfield player who is capable of goal-getting feats of wonder, cos we haven’t Ander Herrera one of those for, like, time. And a young hard-working lightening-paced forward with mad-skills, the world at his feet, and a heart of gold, cos we haven’t Danny one of those either. Yer feel me?
No need to worry about Westham and their tacticals: I’ve sent Chief Biggum Sammum a rebus that will have him distracted from telling his team where the goals are.
Final thought: Could it be that from a distance Vangle thinks Herrera is a rabbit?! And doesn’t want to mix up his toasties? Makes you think.
Prediction: Always, keep the faith, these days. I believe. Blood on blood. This ain’t a love song. Have a nice day. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. New jersey. 7800° Fahrenheit. United win.
Note to self: Find out what Bon Jovi is, and what it does.