West Ham vs. United

step-in-time-mary-poppins

Benno Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know what all the fuss is about – any idiot can put gifs on a United preview.

 

Opposition Summary: Cockneys. Loathe them or hate them, they’re a vital part of something very specific to their particular little corner of London. What that is, only the Cockney elders know, and they never grass. ’nuff said, geeze. West Ham play in clarah n’ blu shirts at the Berlin Ground, innit.

 

Prediction: Vangle to have his masterplan sabotaged by his treacherous players as they finagle yet another win against the boss’ orders. 0-0 United.

 

Fesh Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I love replays of my lazy copy and pasting of old previews ways.

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for Bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Good efforts, efforts.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

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