You know those days when you get a weird flash of inspiration? Those days when a flippant comment gives you the idea that will change your life? Juan Mata as a pirate was going to be mine. Let me set the scene: A completely out of character interruption of someone else’s Twitter conversation. The also completely out of character nonsense comment. The also also completely out of character stewing all day on a ridiculous idea and getting little to no work done. The speed-eating of dinner to free up more time to find some good photos. The finding of those photos. The lighting in the pictures was EXACTLY the same. Heck, even the two backgrounds were EXACTLY the same. They may even have been taken at the same time by the same photographer in Juan’s spare room I like to imagine. Juan’s cut-out face sat soooooooo perfectly on Johnny’s. I got help balancing the colours (from someone who can actually distinguish colours), first for the face-swap and then for the Old Trafford background. It all went together unbelievably well. Too well, in fact – I couldn’t think of a clever enough title so now I’m never going to be an internet virus. I’m going to be stuck here with these two idiots either until our death pact comes into fruition or until we die – whichever comes first. OOH! Juan Sparrow. Nope. I’ve forgotten my point.
Opposition summary: Wolfsburg have little to do with piracy as far as I’m aware, both the buccaneering kind and the illegal distribution of copyrighted materials, but don’t hold me to that. Juanny Depp? Stop it.
Prediction: United really need to win this game if they want to continue playing in the Champions League, but also to alleviate some of the pressure being exerted on Van Gaal by small sections of United fans – the boos at recent matches can’t have gone unnoticed in the dugouJuan Mataaaargh? Better, but still no. 0-0 United.
Long Juan Silver. I don’t even want a medal. Words. Don’t come easy to me. Why can’t I find a way to make you, no can’t remember the lyrics.
X-Files (seasons 1-6 1993-2001)
Season 1: Introduced to FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) agents Mulder and Scully and their strange department of ‘X-Files’ – one guy eats livers every 30 years?? – and the idea of Government not being honest. That aside, pretty good.
Season 2- 6: More of the same really (even Stretchy McLivers makes a comeback), which is a damning indictment of nearly every Government agency, their codes of practice and their quite blatant disregard for the public they serve. And that Mulder really is a loose cannon. That aside, pretty good.
Captain HUGwash (Captain Pugwash)
Prediction: No goals scored. Ever again. Forever. 3-2 United.
I’ve got a date, so fuck those pair of towels. And fuck Bifurcated. Set pieces of 8. Suck on your disappointment.
Prediction: 0-0 after begging and sobbing, followed by more begging and sobbing.