United 0 – 0 Chelsea

David Moyes must be turning in his shallow grave. At least that would explain why the top soil is moving. Which one of us decided burying him alive was the best idea? How was I to know his skin was fire-retardant? Thank god I had the genius idea to remove his teeth. And that £2.80 from the tooth fairy can go towards the french polishers after the staff Christmas party. Who got these drugs ffs? Was it Ben? What kind of a surname is ‘No’ anyway? Explains a lot.

Here’s five things we learned:

1) 0-0 draws are the new 5-0 wins.

2) Why hasn’t Fellaini been turned into glue yet?

3) Why haven’t we got a better a joke than the a glue one yet?

4) Newspapers never lie.

5) What about smoke machines?

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