United 4 (Four) – 0 West Ham

We haven’t won the English Premier League on the first day of the season since that great day back in 1966!

All the squad can now look forward to taking a well deserved tour of all them countries who haven’t bought enough shirts and that, until next August.

Here’s 5 things we learnt/ed:

1. Winning is good.

2. That’s all I’ve got.

3. Fella next to me in the pub, thought it was a great a joke to pretend to his m8, who was sending him text updates, that he wasn’t watching the match. Note to self: kill all people in pub.

4. You know some great people.

5. “Ooh I drink in a pub with real people”. Pathetic.

6. I thought that whilst it would be nonsensical to talk about the ‘bigger picture’ this early in the season, our overall level of performance – both individually and as a team – can only make one optimistic. Not ‘Tritanic: This time it’s in space’ optimistic but relatively confident nevertheless.

7. I liked the goals we did.

8. Why don’t you like them anymore?

9. Fella came on as a substitute. Please delete all points after number 2. And everything you clowns have ever written.