*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

 @Benglorious)

It feels like more months than I can count (three, I think) since Chelsea lifted the Premiership League trophy after a hard-fought battle with Tottenham who really, literally, actually, definitely didn’t bottle it, and, in fact, put so much pressure on, the FA considered creating a new trophy just for them before rejecting it as a fucking stupid idea, along with video referees, sin bins and Sunderland.

It also feels like months (maybe three again?) since United won the Europa Champions League, beating some of the biggest powerhouses in European football along the way. Esteemed names such as Ajax, Saint Étienne and Potato Rosti were swept aside en route to yet another piece of silverware and everybody had to stop laughing at us for five minutes.

It also feels like months (at least one, possibly as many as sixty) since Rooney retired from football as United’s all-time top goalscorer, so imagine everyone’s surprise when he re-signed for Everton. As a player.

All that waiting for the new season and they make us wait even more with the last kick off of the weekend. At least knowing all the other scores beforehand gives us the advantage of knowing exactly what we need to do today to win the league.

Prediction: A new season brings a new hope. Lukaku to feel the force by letting go, and also by bashing a training remote with a glowing stick. 3-1, United

 m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Cockney whelk/plate of oysters…knees up Mother Brown…barrels rolled out…you won’t stop talking why don’t you give it a rest you’ve got more rabbit than Sainsbury’s…doing a Lambeth Walk etc. These are just a few of the things that come to mind when thinking of the cesspool that is the East End of London (that and organised crime but they only slaughtered their own. For a pony. And a bag of hooves). Unfortunately, none of these give us any insight into their football.

Rain…canal murders…low quality cocaine…the BBC…bald men in beige trousers…Burnage Gobshites…weird little men who have free hair transplants because they’ve sold right out man…This is Manchester. Again, doesn’t really help although it does suggest Rio would’ve been ok.

Prediction: Brett to make a racist joke about new boys Lukaku and Lindelof, Benno to be out all Saturday. 3-0 United, Rooney brace, Nasri with the consolation.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

It’s going to be difficult for the Bifurcated team to keep the fans happy, after July was voted best month in the website’s history for content and a jokes … but here goFML!! Just read them two clown’s a words.

Luke Aku and Linda Lof sound more like acts dropped from an open mic night, than The English Premier League Footballers imho.

Today’s opposition have acquired the services of *insert players names later, when you’ve actually got round to giving two fucks* and look set to take the bottom half of the table by storm. If all other teams don’t turn up. Ever.

Want to say there’s something fishy about them, so I can say John West Ham more like!

Prediction: Luke Aku and Linda Lof to wow the punters at the open mic night with their heart-warming acoustic interpretation of Eiffel 65’s Blue (Da Ba Dee). Yung Rash with his customary life affirmation. Tom to accuse me of racism: Pot. Kettle. BlaOH SHIT! 0-0, United.

 @Benglorious)

*waits to see what tone the other two are going for with their previews*

*wanks whilst waiting*

Prediction: United to throw the kitchen sink at Ajax, who send it back glistening because detergent lol. Debut goals for both Marcus and Rashford. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve got nothing. I lack the ability to write anything that means something in light of Monday’s attack but with that in mind, I really really hope we win and we really hope we do it for the people of Manchester.

Prediction: 2-0 United, absolute barnstormer of a performance. Nasri for Rooney lol

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(@bifurcated_utd)

Rooney for the win!

Prediction: Rooney for the win!! 0-0 United (0-0 aet)(0-0 on penalties)