(@Benglorious)

Brett’s back from Poland so there’s no need to do any words or jokes, cos he’s the best and whatever I write will only embarrass me when compared to his words or jokes.

Prediction: I write some words or jokes and am embarrassed. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I am out having birthday meals please put these words: fuck the haters, one love, peace. Or a good joke about Alan Pardew.

Film Review:

To be announced.

Prediction: No good jokes about Alan Pardew. -6 – -6 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

With the destiny of this season’s Hasthag EPL entirely in our own hands, after shoving City off the edge of a metagorical cliff last week* (*note, I am writing this without seeing the score from their 3-1 defeat of Tottenham yesterday), we have to make sure we don’t drop any points in this game like is so obvs gonna happen.

It will be crime of the Willennium, if West Brom are relegated having sacked Alan “Alan Pardew” Pardew they don’t call him Alan Pardew for nothing. Would have (of) been geno scenes to see him cry himself to death like the Alan Pardew not even Tom and Benno deserve.

Prediction: Alexis Sanchez to agree incremental payments of 3 trillion euros per day, as a gesture of goodwill, with reference to his transfer fee versus value to the team. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

FA Cup Final day is the most important day of the year unless Arsenal are playing. They’re not, so we all dodged a collective bullet this year. Can you actually imagine how big such a bullet, and how big the gun that fired it, would have to be, not even taking into account that everyone in the world would need to organise themselves into some sort of tight group to maximise devastation? We asked the top scientists in the world (Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and that guy who played keyboards for Tony Blair) to calculate the actual size of said bullet and here are their findings: Quite large, probably bigger than a horse. I’ve forgotten my point.

I watched Deadpool (2016) last night but film reviews are a sign of weak character and feeble legs. That aside, pretty good.

Opposition Summary: London’s Crystal Palace are the only team left in the FA Cup that play in the Premiership League apart from Manchester United. They wear second-hand Barcelona shirts and have adopted their city’s most famous wild animal, the eagle, as their mascot. Alan Pardew, their charismatic manager, found fame before football as the inventor of the melon.

Prediction: What a game we’re in store for today! Goals for Borthwick-Jackson, Fosu-Mensah and Memphis-Depay ensure a comfortable victory for Jose Mourinho’s Red and White Army. 0-0 FT, 0-0 AET, United win 0-0 on penalties.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I like the symmetry of it all; 26 years ago we won the FA cup to begin a period of unparalleled success. This nicely bookends it. If only old ham-face had realised ages ago that he’s a bit of a bell (ham-face is being used here to describe LVG, not that time Brett put ham on his face). Still, cup final is a cup final and as any liverpool fan will tell you, losing one 3-1 after being a goal up is horrible. Although hilarious if you’re us and watching them.

The average human male femur only weighs 400gms.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Firstly, that title: You only live once. It was a meme for ages. Sean turns Japanese (I really think so hashtag only80skids) and it is racist. Cold war shenanigans – again! – as spaceships go missing and everyone’s like ‘wh-whut? send in James, he’ll blend in’. Noteworthy for great names – Kissy Suzuki, Tiger Tanaka and Little Nellie who is actually a helicopter – and the scene that inspired Hank Scorpio. Basically, without this film you’d have no hammock district. Let that sink in. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: The final that will be second only to Stanley Matthews as Memphis tears it right up. Really good feeling about Memphis this game. Memphis. Wayne to defeat Apocalypse. 3-0 United, Memphis hat-trick.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

According to the FA Cup form books, this game is a nailed on 3-3 draw, cos of 26 years ago innit.

Did I ever tell you that I taught Keith Houchen all he knows? Including: how to write in ye olde English with a felt calligraphy pen? How to maximise the life-span of a goldfish; the correct administration and implementation with regards to their dietary requirements?  The correct use of a pumice stone? And usage per stone? Well, you’re never gonna know, cos Benno posted this preview before I had chance to finis

Prediction: Call me an idiot but this game has got a Tony V left-footed-match-winning goal written all over it. Idiot. 0-0 United. 0-0 United (a.e.t). o-o United on pens. That was gonna be my a joke, but just to reiterate Benno posted thi

Roondog is well and truly back. Run tell your Mamma. Scream it from the rooftops. Throw a party for some friends you haven’t seen since like forever. Live today like it’s your last. Tell that man or woman in the office that you flirt with occasionally, that you would leave your husband or wife and children for a sniff of his or her gusset. Sing. Dance. Rejoice. Overdose on this unparalleled joy.

Lol @ The Premier League if this shower of towels finish in the top four.

I blame Benno.

Here’s 5 things we learned about the matchings:

*graph with upward projection emoji*) I like how when we win now it means nothing because you know the next game could be the exact opposite.

*graph with downward projection emoji*) I really fucking hate Wayne. Irrationally tbf but even still, can we release him into some woods.

5) Victoria?

6) Too soon.

2) Streams is not gud.

3) United r gudder than streams.

4) Just barely.

1) Or sometimes fully-clothedly.

2 revisited) Streams muted with other radio commentary is also not gud, cos radio waves travel faster than stream waves, and so you hear the thing that’s about to actually happen approximately 37 seconds before you see it actually happen.

2 rerevisited) If only there was a legal way to watch a match live, in actual time, with everything actually happening as it’s actually happening. I’d pay handsomely for that.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

“THERE’S ONLY ONE UNITED!!” goes the famous terrace chant, and today the FA Cup proves that football fans are idiots and liars. Things that the FA Cup is yet to prove include: Magic, giants (killed or not) and cup fever. I think we can all agree that the FA Cup has 24 hours to get results or it will be back walking the beat faster than it can blink. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition Analysis: Sheffield United are the only team in the FA Cup with “United” in their name.

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Prediction: Vangle to put on his Fergie mask (movie quality, obvs) so the FA decide to send us to play a nice, friendly tournament in a nice, warm country that has nice, brown coconuts or summin growing by the roads. 0-0 United, but one of those ones where we actually score more goals than zero. Just kidding. Are minus goals a thing?

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve done nothing because I’m helping H-dubz move house this weekend. It’s great. Like working but for no money.

The Hateful Eight (2016)

Tarantino’s eighth major release features an incredible ensemble cast (and Samuel L. Jackson) and has been lauded as his eighth consecutive masterpiece by at least eight reviewers that I don’t need to watch it. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Rooney. 

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 Brett(@workinnit)

Another lie is when F.A Cup games do a replay, if you look closely the replay games are totally different and even at totally different stadiums. It would make more sense for the teams to play a totally new game anyway. Imagine drawing 0-0 and having to watch it replayed forever.

Also, what about Tottenham United?

I have cracked a rib lolling at Benno’s preview. Or was it when I crashed into a wall, go-karting? Either way writing this hurts even more than usual. So I’m going to

Prediction: 0-0 United to not score last. I wrote this bit before the bit above where I stopped.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Has he done the Wayne RoooOOOoooOOO000oney gag? Shit. What about the Marrying Formaldahyde one? What are the odds, eh? David Moyes, now that was scary.

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Opposition summary: Crystal Palace are the best team in the Premiership League with a house in their name. Unless you count Aston Villa, but nobody does.

Prediction: A goal for us scored early by one of us would be good. If it was scored by them for us it would also be good. Basically, goals would be good for us and bad for them. Unless you’re them. In that case you’ll need to flip reverse that thing I said. Both Teams To Score At Exactly The Same Time is 14/1 at Bet365. Put a pony on it. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I can’t do any as I’ve broken all my hands* thank you both for keeping me in your prayers.

*put real reason he couldn’t do any here

Prediction: Batman to fly the bomb out of the city and die. But does he? That aside, pretty good. 4-4 Palace.

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 Brett (@ttenborough)

.Apparently Crystal Palace have never beaten us in the Premier League. Would be ever so nice if these statters could provide evidence of these ridiculous claims every once in a while. Anyway, nice way to curse it stats. Apparently Juan Mata has never scored  5 goals against Crystal Palace in a game. Touche.

It’s Halloween, so expect Wayne RoooOOOoooOOO000oney, and Marrying Formaldahyde to strike fear into us reading the team sheet with them on it.

Vangle’s boys to stick it to Palace like Michael Jackson’s Thriller: ambling forwards excrutiatingly slowly, moving side to side in unison, like an army of soulless zombie folk, led by a bloke who went wronger the older he grew. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahah *letter box sound effect*

Alan Pardew is an anagram of ‘Draw a plane’. Makes you think. About drawing planes. Probably.

Prediction: Danny with his costume change halfway through the second act. Me and Benno have got the score right twice in a row, so put your house and wife and kids on 0-0 United. Remember to gamble responsibly; if you’re a chicken with no bones. 0-0 United.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I haven’t done one because I don’t work on Jesus Birthday but I’m sick of these two putting words in my mouth something something Optimus Prime something Star Wars something Nasri for Rooney. I don’t know why this is in bold band massive.

Prediction: Font changes back to…smaller….Some goals are either scored or not scored but we definitely win. Although again, this will depend on the goals scored. Let’s say 3.

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Benno (@Benglorious):

Just found out today (that’s fourteen days ago if you’re reading this in a fortnight) that there’s no rest for the wicked (“wicked” as in 90’s sk8er (it’s a cool way of saying “skater” but you use the figure “8” instead of the “ate” sound in “skater”) slang for “good” and not the normal evil meaning) over the festive period, and so United have to play Boxing Day.  They’ll actually be playing football and not boxing each other despite the day’s misleading name.  Boxing Day actually has nothing to do with sport of any kind, but is named after the Chinese (see how easy that was to say, Mr Whelan?) legend Bo Xing who invented turkey curry and charades.

Newcastle are the visitors today.  You’ll know them by the black and white shirts they’ll be wearing and also because they’re the team that aren’t United.  Well, they technically ARE a United, but seeing as this is a Manchester United website (is that right?) all references to United should be taken as read in reference to United.  Manchester United and not Newcastle, who are also a United but aren’t Manchester United.  They’re Newcastle United.  They are NOT Manchester United.

Players to watch out for are Gabriel Obertan, Shaka Hislop and Tony Blair.

Prediction: After last week’s trouncing of Villa, Vangle will be looking to hit the thousand mark with his unbeaten streak.  Newcastle, after a recent poor run of games, will be very cagey to start with and United will find them difficult to break down.  A soft penalty decision, with the kick converted easily by Robin, will be the only difference between the two teams at halftime.  Pardew will change his tactics for the second half, and this will give Falcao the freedom he needs up front to bag his first brace in a United shirt: the first, a scorching left-footed half-volley into the top corner from thirty yards out; and the second, a deft back-heeled flick in off the post from fifty-five yards out.  Newcastle will then be distracted by a horse punching a fan, and Shaw will score his first ever United goal to complete the rout.  1-0 Newcastle.

United’s newest Hollandman, Daley Blind, lists his likes as falconry, Northumberland and collecting thimbles:

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

Aahhh, the trad Boxing Day game (‘trad’ is a cool way of saying ‘traditional’, it’s kind of shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period). I’m not sure what’s so traditional about it, I’m guessing players from The Premier League swap turkey sandwiches and are allowed to play in their xmas (‘xmas’ is a cool way of saying ‘Christmas’, it’s shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period) cracker party hats as long as they don’t clash with the referee’s xmas cracker party hats, or the other teams. In the stead (‘in the stead’ is a cool way of saying ‘instead of’ it’s kind of longhand; it’s just for those occasions where you’ve saved a bit of time, when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one, by using shorthand already, and you realise you’ve now got a bit more time over the busy festive period) of the trad handshake at the start of the game, players exchange unwanted gifts or credit notes for John Lewis and Marks and Sparks.

Newcastle United come into their own after Christmas, during the sales. That’s funny cos bar codes.

It’s panto season (‘trousoro series’ for our English readers), and with STABLE David the Savids in between the onion bagginets – HE’S BEHIND YOU! – King Louis delivering the GOLD, FRANKINSYSTEMS and MURDER (Mata for our Spanish readers) and ANGEL di Maria in a STARRING role and Robin Van Shepherdspie always GETTING ON TO A CROSS, we’re, undoubtably, indubitably, undoubtedly, going to put in a MERRY strong performance, without a doubt. OH YES WE ARE!

If we were HOME ALONE, this would be a 3-0 walkover. That’s funny cos Christmas films.

Prediction: OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE ARE. OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE Aetc

Ben (Benglorious):

Newcastle, as far as I’m aware, does not have a new castle.  Nowhere does.  Castles haven’t been built anywhere for hundreds of years [<<check this].  It should, therefore, be called ‘Oldcastle’.  However, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have an old castle either [<<check this as well], and seeing as there isn’t a name for a castle of an intermediate  age [<<should be checking as you go, d*ckhead, the whole paragraph depends on these things being true], we’ll just have to settle for calling it ‘ ‘.

So, United visit the flagship Sports Direct store today, fresh off the back of drawing Baron Münchausen’s champion, or whatever [<<why does this seem familiar?].  Fan reaction this week has traversed the entire gamut of spectral emotionality [<<is this a real thing?]:  from the Abed Nadir of very disappointed with the style of play and lack of ambition, to the Zenith Data Systems [<<correct antonyms?] of knowing that we gave the European Champions a proper match and didn’t disgrace ourselves [<<is there a difference between those two things?].  In either case, a didn’t lose is a didn’t lose and we can carry that confidence of not losing into today’s game and not lose again.

Players to watch out for:  Peter “appeared in my GCSE biology textbook because of his weird false teeth” Beardsley; Mirandinha “the first Brazilian to play in the Premiership [<<doesn’t seem correct/find out when Prem started/nope, got it: poss. Bolivian]” No Last Name, and; Jimmy “face like a bag of smashed crabs licking piss off a nettle who is also quite possibly AntDec’s dad” Nail.

Prediction:  Jones will have remembered to wear boots with studs for this match, so will sneak a cheeky goal early on to set the figurative and literal ball rolling.  Rooney will score from 87 yards, and Mata, fresh from his midweek holiday trying on new shoes, will link up with Janizzi (copyright @tom_mcghee) to score his second goal for United and clinch a comfortable three goal victory.  1-0 ‘ ‘.

About the author:  As I’m so sick of having to do this on my phone, I’m heading down ol’ Californi way to get me some of that internet.

Mum had a garden parasol and some hanging baskets up for grabs, but I needed them for my new place so I bagsied them.  Dunno why I put this one in.

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Brett:

If cupboard chops was familiar with the concept of picking a consistent team, this might be the ideal opportunity to rest a few players and rotate the squad; freshen things up a bit, bring in some fringe players – that sort of thing. As it is, for our David, it’s just another opportunity to delight and surprise. Having said that, such is our David’s tactical wont, we no longer have a stronger team to look after and protect with the big European nights looming; just a pool of equally ill-fitting square pegs to shove anywhere but where they prefer.

Match going United fans should be sure to pack their suncream as the fight for mid-table security is really hotting up: it was tepid last week and this game is going to shoot the temperature lukewarmwards.

I’ve really missed Alan Pardew’s smiling face. I’ve been throwing all sorts at a portrait I’ve got on my wall for hours now, and still not stuck one on him.

Prediction: 2 – 3 Danny to get through one on one with the keeper, and learning his lesson from against Bayern the other night, tries to sell him a dummy and then chip him, when perhaps a low shot would be more appropriate and/or boring … just the way we like it.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Brett:

Had you noticed David Moyes is an anagram of vending machine. IT’S CLOSE ENOUGH!! It’s because he’s a vending machine. A vending machine, that is, stocked with saying the wrong things: *Selects – E* *Selects – 4* *whirring sound* *says wrong thing* *Selects – C* *Selects – 10* *whirring sound* *says wrong thing* *Selects – F* *Selects – 16* *whirring sound* *says wrong thing**Selects – G* *Selects – 3* *whirring sound* *Oooh a Double Decker**Didn’t expect to see one of those this season* The point is – in case you missed it – he says the wrong thing. Don’t know if anyone else has noticed … Oh, and he’s made our home ground an ‘all you can eat buffet’ for all other teams. That is not the behaviour of a vending machine. Typical, you give him a job to do as a vending machine that says the wrong thing, and he can’t even get that right. Both of these things, I think, are more likely temporary, than not.

*Ctrl-C**Ctrl-P* Adnan was our best player.

We aren’t very good at home anymore.

Alan Pardew is reputedly good at organising things. Shame he can’t organise his face into a less smug and more likeable one (I mean that – tis a shame). Also, a shame he did organise his team well. Think I’ve said ‘organise’ enough now – was doing it for a bet. To win, I have to avoid saying ‘organise’ four times in this paragraph. I wo … oh, no.

Can’t help but think Moyes has put way too much time and effort into the ‘Rooney Roadshow’ (I am a one), and neglected to serve the rest of his player’s needs, wants and that; individually and collectively. But just ‘cus I can’t help but think that, doesn’t mean I actually think that – I haven’t thought it through … yet.

Does this result now make David Moyes the ‘official binary code partner’ for our home games? Hey?! Lads?!

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Crisis averted, I’m back (it can’t have escaped anyone’s notice that our season has dipped dramatically since I went on sabbatical). I’ll be honest, I was hoping that my return would coincide with a decisive victory against Everton but since that’s clearly not going to happen, it might as well be now*.

Anyways, what can we expect from this game? Personally, I’m hoping we can try some more of that passing lark we managed in Germany – I’m no coach but I’ve noticed that keeping the ball and moving it forward really improves our chances of scoring –  whilst crosses that beat the first man would also be a nice touch. I’m deliberately not mentioning Kagawa due to a wish to avoid actual physical war (boy, is HE a touchy subject – its like Carrick all over again). Maybe play our World Class RB, see how that goes; maybe try to avoid conceding late….I’m grasping at straws I know.

Newcastle of course come into this in far better shape – I dont need to prove that with statistics/results/facts because Alan Pardew’s won MOTM – and although in football terms they’re still the underdog, we still have a midfield with Tom Cleverley and Fellaini in it. On the plus side, it is at home. Oh….

Fortunately, none of this really matters because of late I’ve realised that this United is very much the Galatic Senate from Star Wars – a glorious reminder of a great age, on a a downward slide into a brutal Galatic Empire (See: City, Chelsea) “But Tom” I hear you cry, “You said this doesn’t matter!” – Calm yourselves; what happened AFTER the Emperor took over? BOOM – Rebel Alliance, Return of the Jedi (Januzaj), fall of Evil, Han, Chewie, Luke, Lando and Leia all go home for tea and medals. We just have to hope it doesn’t take 20 years (lazy Lucas, lazy).

Prediction: United 2 – 1 Newcastle. It could be literally anything to anyone, I just cant bring myself to be that pessimistic.

*No-one’s online for GTA. Blame them. I have a list of their names if needed.

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Brett:

Is there such a thing as ‘The Curse of the Manager of the Month Award’?! NO THERE ISN’T! It was a test. You passed the test – but barely. Feel free to read on, but remember I’ve got my eye on you…

Newcastle are like a team who you think you like until you actually get down to thinking about why you like them, and then you’re all like man why did I think I like them again?, and then you’re all like yeah that was weird of me to think I liked them. You don’t exactly dislike them though, either. Anyway, enough about them…

Adnan and Danny are going to show them what’s what, what. What?!

Fellaini said he wanted to be a defensive midfielder. Fellaini said that defensive midfielder was his favourite position. Fellaini has the defensive midfield instincts of a cashew nut with Jack Nicholson for a face. Exactly. Fellaini has never been a defensive midfielder. Still fully expect him to be brilliant though.

With Wayne “style over substance and substance over style, without being either substantially stylish or stylishly substantial enough” Rooney suspended we’ll have to rely on things like a strong team ethic and selflessness to get us through. Good luck with that.

There’s a Joe Kinnear somewhere.

Prediction: 2 – 1. Danny with his customary two. Alan Pardew to remove his Alan Pardew mask to reveal he was Alan Pardew all along.