*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

 a

4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

(@Benglorious)

Remember the good times when we won games? Me neither.

Prediction: Revenge taken on West Ham’s bus when we lock all the doors and throw it in the canal. Somehow we still lose. 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I fell asleep on the sofa and forgot about doing words sorry guys and I’m still there and the computer is not and moving doesn’t really seem to be an option rn.

Prediction: No words.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Suck on your disappointment fuckos!! The Bif Boys are heading out on the town to celebrate Paul’s *insert age later when confirmed by Paul’s mum, somewhere near your age. What? 21? Again?! Oh, you! Hard to tell with Paul what with that face* birthday!

We’ll be so far gone by 5:30pm that we won’t even know what West Ham is*

*check what West Ham is.

Prediction: Maybe I’ll turn my phone on and off as the screen must have frozen as I have not heard anything from P, or T, or Benno. Oh. Wait! Oh, just mum. Fuck off mum. Oh. Wait! Oh, just my alarm reminding me it’s Paul’s birthday. Oh. Wait! Oh, just Tom sending me pictures of his birthday last week with everyone there apart from me. 0 – 0 United.

The only real downside to last night’s result is the footage emerging of Alexis Sanchez looking very small.

Apparently, he is just very small and not just very far away.

Wait, two downsides: the MBM Krang/turtles tweet was wasted on all you scum.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. People sure don’t like Sanchez

2. And by ‘people’ I mean us

3. I like him I think he adds a lot to the team almost too many goals and assists imho

4. Ander Herrera was very good and everyone thought so aside from Martin Keown, the Neolithic twat

5. We should make Keown and Sanchez fight to the death

6. Winner gets a bullet

(@Benglorious)

Based on logic, in which I have an extremely pointless qualification, Ole has never lost a game as United manager therefore he can’t ever lose a game. Further evidence of this is his unbeaten managerial record in the Champions League. You can’t argue with reasoning like this because I will destroy you, possibly with De Morgan’s theorem (shout out to the logic nerds).

Prediction: Some Frenchmen to put in good performances. 0-0 United

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

OGS and PSG have two of the same letters (S & G) and also P is after O in the alphabet. Using Science, of which I have no pointless qualifications in, this has to prove we are better*.  To further my case, G is before S in the alphabet but the Paris lot have it the other way round. This obviously only applies to the second and third letters because of the O and P thing earlier. Boy, science is hard these days.

*contrary evidence in interests of impartiality: Law of ‘first the worst, second the best’, though technically inadmissible here because of Science Union rules

True Detective (2019)

So much criming (the precursor of the detecting)

Prediction: 2-0 us because I am an optimist now.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

A lot of talk from pundits and bloggers alike in the build up to the game this week, suggesting that we’re in a strong position going into the first leg of this Champions league tie, with PSG missing so many of their key letters (a, r, i, s, n, t, e, m), but no-one suggesting how we pronounce PSG in lieu of this “advantage”.

Prediction: I may have misunderstood.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. After a couple of minor upgrades Atreus becomes a decent ally to Kratos.

2. Herrera is the Lingard that Dele Alli thinks he is.

3. I like how every game lately has been like an A-Team episode i.e. gang gets captured (concedes a goal) but then B.A (Bad Attitude) Baracus ain’t getting on no plane.

4. Harry Kane should shave that beard before WC to avoid the old maxim ‘striker with beard, not to be feared’ imho. It also makes him look like Teen Wolf.

5. Think it’s asking a bit much to ask Harry Kane to shave that beard every time he goes to the toilet tbh.

220.1 miles according to Google, if you travel via the M5 and M6. 269.1 miles via the A303. The train-line, though more direct, takes a little longer as has to take into account stations along the way. Which is something that travelling by car never does. Are we supposed to piss our pants just so we can adhere to the strict timings dictated to us by a popular search engineers website?! This reporter says yes.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Martin Keown really doesn’t like Alexis Sanchez.

2. Martin known is a monkey who has been strategically shaved and dressed up.

3. Darmian’s facial hair is upsetting.

4. I like how Sanchez is good because he tries things and gives the ball away.

5. I like how Mkhitaryan is bad because he tries things and gives the ball away.

6. I like how Martin Keown is bad because he’s a cunty bell flap.

 @Benglorious)

Always preferred Topman myself.

Prediction: Lukaku to deny the Emperor before being saved by his father’s last shred of humanity, the jammy bastard. 4-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Does Liz Taylor know that he’s back from the dead?

m

Prediction: Goals, goals, goals. Red lips, fingertips. 2-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Can’t believe those two stole the best Burton jokes already. Just wait until Ernie hears about this.

Prediction: Goals. On. Film. 0-0 United.

m

(@Benglorious)

Finally we have come to the final game of the season. No more football after this final game for a whole four years. Or two if you count the Euros. I don’t know about you, but I’m actually looking forward to extra helpings of politics once the football is done. Long live the Queen.

Prediction: United to play like they’ve got nothing to lose except this game. And my love. 0-0 United.

 m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m doing fuck all and youse cunts can suck my dick.

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

A live-action remake of easily the best cartoon Disney ever rolled out. Fucking pointless, if you ask me. Emma Watson still can’t fucking act, Ewan McGregor still can’t fucking do accents, and the Beast is better looking as a fucking beast. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: see above.

 m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m really looking forward to seeing all them young kid players – whose names escape me right now – who I have been watching since before they were born and in some cases even before that, make their first senior team appearances with Jose Mourinho’s encouraging words about player availability and their readiness inspiring them on to unachieve the achievable.

Whether we win, lose, or draw, the most important thing is we will never have to see Rooney again. And that’s worth all the Champions’ Leagues.

I’m sure Tom will expand on the salient points.

Prediction: Apple crumble and gravy on Rooney’s bib. 0-0 United.

m

m

(@Benglorious)

With David Moyes finally proving his Premiership credentials yesterday, Mourinho and Wenger really have a lot to live up to today. I’m hoping for at least two plane banners locked in an aerial dogfight for at least 45 minutes or I want my money back for the Canadian stream I’m watching illegally.

Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford to cancel out another worldy from Henry. 0-0 United

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

What is Love? Some say Robin Van Persie, others say a weird cartoon strip where a boy and girl are always naked but never do anything, probably because the boy has no dick. Like an opposite The Crying Game. Think it’s a man but it’s actually a woman. It’s very confusing. Which leads me onto my 9th point: Arsenal = London = actually bad.

Driving Miss Daisy/Bangkok Chickboys (1989/1997)

Old woman and Morgan Freeman become friends after he drives around for a while. That aside, awful. Only accessed the second one by mistake and it only played for 15 mins because I couldn’t see it from the bathroom.

Prediction: Bangkok Chickboys to show up on my bill, probably under miscellaneous. 2-1 United because why not. 

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

That pic/song thing is actually quite good for you.

Jokes on everybody on Twitter today: talking about Van Persie i.e he doesn’t play for either Arsenal or United anymore. Idiots.

This fixture has added zeanom after what happened with Van Persie, and him going to the other team for not much cash money and then being all new teamy, and winning the best team of the year cup all by himself; without the handicap of his old team and with Rooney i.e another handicap. That’s not on twitter. Bite my banger. And quite sure your evidence won’t stand up in court. Especially as we have systematically set fire to all the jurys over the past 6 years*. Idiots.

*That’s right Bifurcated is 6 years old this week. Highlights reel to follow…

BOOOOOOOM!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Here’s to another 6! Who is this?! idgi etc…

Prediction: Another 6 years of the same a ‘state of Rooney’s…’ joke. 0-0 United.