m

(@Benglorious)

It was my job this week to look up what ‘Albion’ meant. So, today we are playing Brighton and Past Tense of Heave England or Britain. No wonder nobody likes them.

Prediction: Ole makes it seven out of seven in a seven goal drubbing of poor old Brighton. Mourinho takes the credit. 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Why is my face still Rooney? Who the fuck knows but I’m pretty sure these two jerkoffs are to blame.

I don’t know where Brighton & Hove is and I don’t care to (side note: I had to look up ‘to or too’ as I’m old and had forgotten – this’ll happen to you when you hit 40 – and the first explanation told me ‘two’ is also pronounced ‘to’ but can’t be used as it was a number who knew lol)

Titans (2019)

Robin has left batman (he was always the little spoon) and become a police cop. Through his detective cop filth narc work he makes friends with some guys with badass powers (one can turn into a green tiger better camouflage in North America imho) and they have adventures and also Krypto Superdog is in it. I liked it. That aside etc

Prediction: 8-0 to us thats how confident i am rn

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Have Hove dropped off the map? This researcher says ‘Yes’. Their Wikipedia page has been deleted. Google Maps fails to find them and the new AA Road map has a blank hole where the once great town of Hove used to be. This conurbation conspiracy goes right to the very top. Chris ‘Leland Palmer’ Houghton has some questions to answer. And this researcher won’t stop untiOh wait… internet signal had dropped. Wikipedia page is there. And there they are on Google maps. That hole in the AA road map was where I had cut eye holes for my detective work. Drat.

Prediction: Glenn Murray to postpone any goals this week out of respect for Andy Murray. lol cos of last week’s predictions. 0-0 United.

m

(@Benglorious)

Fuck Andy Murray. I don’t hate him because he’s Scottish. I don’t hate him because he’s a miserable cunt. I don’t even hate him because he plays the most Tory of sports. I hate him because he let the Green Goblin kill Gwen Stefani.

Prediction: Respect from Poch, enthusiasm from Ole, narrative from the press, Jenny from the block. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve always liked Andy Murray; good at tennis and fantastic mints. Please disregard Benno’s work as it is riddled with inaccuracies* and please disregard Brett’s for its jingoistic nonsense.

Legit don’t know what I want to happen today – if Poch wins it might make him want to stay at Spurs but then it might spur (lol like their name) them on to win something which might make him feel like he can go to United after achieving something. If we win, he might think ‘fuck this they’ve been shit for ages but in 5 weeks they’ve got good again and they have money’ but then also it might strengthen Ole’s case for the job full-time which could mean we miss out on Poch but then also wouldn’t that mean that Ole is better and should get the job anyway? I don’t want to even think about what it could mean if its a draw.

*he was fooled by the rocks that she’s got

Prediction: a lot of ‘Lads its Spurs’ posts with a picture of Ole talking to some players if we win, a lot of Mourinho bashing if we lose. 5-5, the greatest game in football’s history.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

This game should be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray.

**heard it’s common place in the bronx to insure your arse for £60 million tbf.

Prediction: this game not to be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray. Abso disgrace imho. 0-0 United.