Benno (@Benglorious)

To the lads;

Hotel is amazing. Weather is brilliant. Went snorkelling today and saw a big ray thing. What was the score in the Arsenal game? Hope Angel did the business after my amazing preview. Did you know that they play football here in Jamaica but they use a smaller ball and hit it with a bat and call it ‘cricket’? Weird, eh? Miss you guys. Hope we get Liverpool in the cup and stuff them. See you next Tuesday.

Benno x x x x

p.s. I did a picture thing before I left but have no idea if he plays for United or not. Stick it after this and say he likes, I don’t know; chips, Kerplunk and Avatar. Paul won’t know.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Yeah so like Paul was flying this plane and avoiding like all these missiles and Terry was right next to him in a helicopter going all ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with his missiles and Josh and I were like all ‘PEW PEW’ with our guns in the prison and then we were all like “whoa! lets get out of here guys!” and then like we did and then we had to escape in the plane that Paul had and it kept knocking me over and I was all like “Paul, stop knocking me over!!” and Paul was like all “I’m not knocking you over!!” and we were all like “LOL” and Terry was still like ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with machine guns and missiles still and then we finally escaped and then we were all like in the apartment and doing all high-fives and that and it was OMG amazing.

Jamaica is for amateurs.

Prediction: other heists can only be harder but boy they sure are fun. I haven’t mentioned the match because I no longer believe in football. Why is “match” in capitals and red?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Dear Bob,

Hotel is where I work. Weather is outside. Really hope you didn’t drown when you went snorkelling. That would be a big shame for some people. Probably. Danny didn’t mute his celebration so we won 1 moral to zero. Angel did the business that your preview deserved. That version of football sounds cruel. The bat would sense the pain coming in advance too; so that’s mental cruelty aswell. Double cruel. Druel. Miss you being off Twitter, like you were for those couple of days at the very start of your holiday. See you next TueHEY! you mean to say that I’m going to see you again?!

Try more snorkelling.

Brett x0x0x0x

p.s. Hope you spellchecked snorkelling, cos I just copied and pasted from yours.

p.p.s I didn’t spellcheck spellchecked either lol.

Prediction: Four fag breaks. A few complaints about the small bathrooms. One about a cold room on the 5th floor. One about the noise from the room next door. 13 Taxis to the train station. 3 to the airport. 2 to the bus station. One to the shopping centre.  3-2 United.

Benno (@Benglorious)

By the time you two read this, I will be dead.

I don’t know what’s gone wrong here.  That worked so much better in my head with completely different words.

Anyway, Arsenal are the visitors tonight for this FA Cup match.  As this is the first time that United and Arsenal will have met in this competition, there’s no history to compare anything to unless you compare it to a completely different facet of history:  When our Neanderthal ancestors left Africa roughly 135,000 years ago, they adapted to the pathogens in their European environment, unlike modern humans who adapted toGONE!  By the time you two read this, I will be gone.  Gone to Jamaica.  That’s what it was supposed to be.  I’m in Jamaica right now is what I’m saying, and I’ll probably return the petty cash** when I get back from Jamaica, which is where I am.  Jamaica.  You’d both hate it here.  In Jamaica.

**Dependant upon exchange rates and the price of Bob Marley ashtrays.

Prediction:  Di Maria will finally discover that the reason he was playing so badly is that he was in my fantasy team this whole time.  He’ll then realise that the FA Cup doesn’t count towards the Fantasy Premiership League and this will set the doubts creeping back in again.  Vangle, sitting on his platinum throne atop a black onyx plinth in the exact centre of the dressing room, will notice all of this going through Angel’s mind and beckon him over with an almost imperceptible head movement.  After several minutes of deferential listening, Di Maria will stand up and the rest of the squad will notice the purpose in the set of his shoulders, the rekindled fire in his eyes and the urgency in his stride out to the pitch.  Vangle will allow himself a knowing smile before turning to Giggs and saying: “It begins”.  1-0 Arsenal.

This guy couldn’t be found for an interview, but several people have assured me that he is an actual United player.  I reckon his favourite things would include VO5 hot oil, the Citroen Picasso and apples:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

“Who says a jazz band can’t play dance music?
Who says a rock band can’t play funky?
Who says a funk band can’t play rock? Oh yeah
We’re gonna play some funk so loud
We’re gonna rock ‘n’ roll the crowd
Just watch them dance, watch them dance”

Louis Van Gaal, 9th March 2015

Prediction: What Benno and Brett said, but without the words. Jamaica is for jazz flutists. And the last time there was any magic in a cup it got Cedric Diggory killed and we all had to put up with R-Patz and Team Jacob. So think on.

.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

We learned this week that when Arsene Wenger holds a football boot up to his ear he hears United players celebrating from that game against Arsenal, when Giggsy scored that runny-runny-hard-kick-right-in-the-net goal.

Wenger was in sentimental mood as he later recalled the infamous wine bottle incident from his brief appearance in Big Brother 6:

“There are cameras everywhere, that means basically we are always spied on, from morning until night, and that is a little bit less freedom to go over the line sometimes.

Even if it is 10 years later or 15 years later, people will be less inclined to do it today because they think, ‘oh, for the rest of my life that could come out, so I won’t do it’.”

Anyway… kicky sport …

I didn’t see it and couldn’t be bothered to read anything about it either before forming a very unhelpful opinion about those disgraceful FA Cup scenes at Villa Park at the weekend. If someone’s going to empty a whole bag of space raiders* all over the pitch then they should be made to pick up every single last one of them, and none of the fans responsible should be allowed to go home until they have. Littering > Spitting.

I remember I did the ‘by the time you read this I will be dead’ joke, the first time I had a beer.

Prediction: The giant FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical magician to magically lift the last giant magic paper cup with his giant magical hands to reveal he had magically hidden all the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical goals from the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, quarter finals at Old Trafford. 0-0.

*often referred to incorrectly as space ‘invaders’ by people. You had to be there.

Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8^th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9^th and 14^th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16^th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

—————————————-

“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

Give us this day our Danny Blind and forgive us our long passes, as we were playing them that long pass against us. And lead us not into tenth place please; with deliveries from Tony. Four-Five-One is the kingdom. And the power, and the glory, for Ander Herrera. Amen.

Capper Roondog has come under a lot of criticism recently from the United fateful. Whereas others find it easy to defend him: Coulson and Nelson from Cambridge and Morgan and Wasilewski from Leicester being the most recent examples. idgi. The truth is we’re not playing to RooRoo’s  strengths: he needs wider and taller players around him, so there’s more surface area to hit with his creativity. He needs more support and vision in and around him for those incredibly shortest of short maverick no luck passes he drops off in situations where lesser beings would simply control the ball. And also we’re playing him out of position: he’s no midfielder. He really needs to be in behind our front two – Giggsy and Vangle. SONIC BOOM!! isdgi.

Doc from Back to the Future in a wig is struggling to impress in his role as world footballing superstar Radamel Falcao; who was tragically kidnapped by a dolphin consortium in 2014. Valencia is wrestling with universal truths: I think therefore I’m spam. And Vangle still has great hair.

It’s like the saying goes: Form is dependant on the team formation and tactics suiting the player’s strengths, an individual’s specific adaptability to the opposition and their particular formation and tactics, any ongoing contract negotiations or transfer speculation, competition for places, the form of team mates and opponents, changes in home life, relationships, love, the lunar cycle, diet, compulsions, abstentions, whether the player is getting a good nights sleep etc..  Class is a subjective measure of a player’s ability, and somewhat dependant on the evolving standard of their contemporaries.

Onwards, and upwards, or downwards. Whichever suits.

Thought for the day: As his legs to torso ratio increases week on week, it’s important to ask: Is Van Persie disappearing into his own legs?

Note to self: find out when lesser beings were allowed to join in. I know they were talking on Radio 4 about letting them get married…

I learned a valuable lesson this week: when something wins it’s British, and when it loses it’s Scottish. Not exactly sure of the benefits of being British, apart from you don’t have to pay for stuff with paper money that people want to throw house bricks at you for using, on site, and I suppose you don’t have to be a ginger. Geographically, I don’t think there’s much in it. What’s the little island called where the three-legged people live? Isle of Man? Yeah, peace brother. Guess we’ll never know… for now, all we need to know, is that after the weekend’s resounding victory, United are British.

Note to self:  find out what ‘geographically’ means. And what sound a ‘re’ makes.

I was shocked to discover that Bob and Ted had actually gone to a football game irl. I thought ‘football’ was just a discussion topic on Twitter tbh. Apparently, teams meet up every week. They should really advertise this more. Leave some cards in phoneboxes and stick a couple of notices up down the welfare. The corner shop do photocopying – 4p for A4 black and white and 10p for colour. You could put a couple in the shop window too if you asked nicely. My cat went missing before Christmas and they let me put a poster up in there for just a fiver a day. I found her. She died soon after. And now I’m alone.

Thought for the day: If the only thing in your life is a football based website, why don’t you try a bit harder/at all?

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s all excitement and joy today in Bifurcated Towers as myself and Tom (the guy with the preview below mine that you always skip over to get to Brett’s little piece of insanity) are actually visiting the Theatre of Dreams in actual real life and stuff.  Apparently, the previews we write are for actual real games and this is one of them.   We don’t know why Brett isn’t coming, but we both thank him for paying for our tickets with that money that I told him was for Bifurcated-headed stationery.

The thing about today’s trip is that we will be “tourist fans”, which, according to a certain fanzine that shall remain nameless, are the worst thing in the world and it’s our fault that the, hmmm, “R-Issue” had to close down.  “The Red-I” (that sounds way cooler) also took issue with families being happy but we’re neither of those things so they can’t be mad at us for that.  My personal theory, however, is that because we’ll be gaining entry with Season Tickets, we are actually “real fans” and because there’s only 55,000 real fans in the whole world, we are better than the rest of you plastics who probably live in Essex and think you’re real fans because you write for a United website.

Prediction:  After the 3-1  victory in the return fixture last year, Vangle will be looking to Di Maria to replicate his goal-of-the-season-contender from that game.  Literally.  Like, if he doesn’t copy it exactly he will be shipped out with Anderson to be his in-flight snack.  Carrick’s out injured for the first time in his United career so whoever his replacement is will replace him.  Rooney will score two to add to Angel’s earlier doppelgoäler giving us a comfortable three-goal win.  1-0 Leicester.

Chris is a big fan of fancy dress, stained glass windows and the diaries of George Washington:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Who is this?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

STOP COMING HERE. UNTIL YOU ALL START FOLLOWING @Benglorious – BY FAR THE FUNNIEST AND NICEST OF ALL OF US – YOU’RE JUST NOT WELCOME.

Benno (@Benglorious)

“Happy New Year” is me telling you all (Ha! “You all”) a massive lie because it’s still 2014 as I write this.  In my head it’s still 1994 but that’s my problem, not yours.  If it WAS still 1994 we wouldn’t be playing Stoke because I don’t remember them playing back then, ergo: they didn’t exist.  Luckily for you, they are a real team with real feelings and they’re probably one of the greatest teams in the country that are called Stoke City.  It’s a lunchtime kick-off for the teams today, so there’s no worry about having to do whatever “it” is that Messi may or may not be able to do on a cold and rainy night in Stoke.  I’m guessing it’s “pay his taxes”.  Allegedly.

In The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Bilbo manages to free his dwarven companions from jail because their elven captors have gotten intoxicated and fallen asleep, yet in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Legolas the elf spends all night drinking and barely feels the effects.  Do you think this is a grievous continuity error by Peter Jackson, or is Legolas just double-hard? #Rantcast

Prediction:  Vangle’s boys will shake off their hangovers and revel in the double-time that they get for working on a Bank Holiday to clinch their eight million four hundred and eighty-six thousand two hundred and eleventh victory in a row.  Di Maria should be back all guns blazing, but if he isn’t, I’m sure someone else will play in his stead.  If he does play, he’ll get the first goal with a lovely little dink over the ‘keeper after a slick move through the middle involving Robin and Rooney.  If he doesn’t play, then the first goal will be an absolute belter from Falcao after he’s given too much time to pick out the top corner by some lacklustre defending.  If HE doesn’t play, Rooney will score a hat-trick.  Unless Robin does.  Either way, its another victory for United and the Reds go marching on on on.  Except when they wear white.  Or those nice blue shirts.  1-0 Stoke.

United’s much-maligned midfielder, Anderson, has come in for a lot of criticism over the last few seasons.  I must say that I found him to be the epitome of politeness and professionalism when he discovered me in his back garden last week.  Over a nice brew and some Eccles cakes, he told me that his passions outside of football are double-glazing, fracking and duty free shopping:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I honestly don’t know who we’re playing and I’m still in bed wanting to die.

.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I’m not sure who has managed to book New Year’s day off, so there’s no point guessing who’ll be playing. No doubt they’ll all be nursing the mother of all hangovers. I just hope Vangle has got plenty of crisps and fizzy pop for those unfortunate enough to have been rota’d in. Let’s hope none of them are crippled by the inevitable ontoligical anxiety a massive hangover brings. Cold beans straight out the tin works well. Apparently baby food does the trick too, but haven’t tried that myself – Fred Durst swears by it.

Having to work two Bank Holidays in a row seems really unfair to me. What do footerers have to show for it? It’s not like anyone is paid to do a kicky sport; the world isn’t that mad … yet!! I’ll tell you what they have to show for it … a few bruised shins, depending on how many legs they have and a grass burned side thigh from the frozen pitch. You’d be forgiven for asking yourself, is it really worth it? The answer is simple: They do it for us. (That’s ‘us’, not America). And for that we owe them a great deal. Maybe one day we’ll hand over all our hard-earned as a thank you for all their years of altruism. They could even trial selling ‘replica kits’ as a revvie new stream, like the kits they wear but ones we can wear while watching them wear theirs. Just a thought.

Ma Cues and his alter ego Spar Key (who hoofs water bottles and shakes his arms like my Uncle Peter at New Year’s Eve down the welfare) have done a very good job of assembling a team consisting of eleven men, with a few extra making up what they describe rather derisorily as substitutes. Not sure they’ve got round to naming any of these ‘men’ yet. Guess we’ll never know.

Prediction: All hell to break loose when they open the fridge that’s been making all those noises and that.

Note to self: Think of a way of adding the footerers names on to these ‘replica shirts’, so people can remember who these everyday heroes are and perhaps start singing songs about them. Maybe that’s too far?

Benno (@Benglorious)

There’s two good things about not having an enforced winter break in the Premiership League:  Firstly, there’s lots of games in a short period of time; and twoly, in a short period of time there are a lot of games.  Unfortunately, there’s also two bad things about footballs during Christmas:  Onely, there’s far too many games in such a short period of time; and secondly, because of this deluge of games, us seasoned football writers have a heavily increased workload whilst you “normals” get to relax and enjoy yourselves all the time.

Tottingham Hottenspurs are the opponents today, and they are a football team.  What else, what else?  Oh, they have white shirts and they wear shorts which are dark-coloured but aren’t black or even a slightly darker black.  They must be brown or purple.  I guess we’ll never really know.

Players to watch out for include Jimmy Greaves, Charles Hodges and David Peacock.  Go on, I’ll wait.

Prediction:  A win today will smash Real Madrid’s record of fourteen thousand  wins in a row.  Di Maria is probably not going to play due to his pelvis giving his legs the silent treatment after a row about whose turn it is to clean out the fishtank.  Falcao probably WILL play because his pelvis and legs are stronger than ever after renewing their vows in the Seychelles on Christmas Day.  This means that Radizzamel will score nice and early before teeing up Robizzin to give United a two-goal lead at the break.  Rizzooney will carry on his excellent recent form with yet another goal before United concede their first goal of the season when, I don’t know, Ruel Fox grabs a late consolation for the Spurs.  1-0 Tottenham.

When Adnan’s not twisting defenders into ever increasingly bizarre shapes, he likes nothing more than waterslides, Weston-super-Mare and Portuguese-style chicken:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

We didn’t have footballs in ‘Nam.  We used grenades.  Or human heads.  Whichever was funnier.

Prediction:  Optimus Prime with the 96th minute, Roy-of-the-Autobots-style-put-your-body-on-the-line-for-the-sake-of-the-team-to-the-detriment-of-your-future winning goal we’ve come to know and love from the big man.

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Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second.

Prediction: Me to come up with something absolutely genius – as per, so that I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second what Bob wrote as my match preview, will never see the light of day.