Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)

Benno (@Benglorious):

It’s been such a relief having this international break and watching some superb England performances.  I’ve never understood how people can say “club before country”.  Firstly, the national team is obviously better at the football because it’s picked from the best players in the country, which makes their games far more enjoyable to watch.  Twoly, that particular opinion is high treason and this can still be punishable by death.  So next time you hear someone saying that they’d prefer their club to win matches rather than England become a dominant force on the world stage, just take a mental note of their name and/or description and pass that information on to the relevant authorities: the FA,  MI6 or the Beefeaters (the ridiculously attired crow-feeders at the Tower of London, NOT the restaurant chain).

A quick bit of “research” this morning on WBA took me to the Youtube and several boring videos of what appeared to be girls playing netball except they were bouncing the ball and there was a lot of “smack-talking” (NOT discourse about drugs, by the way).  Once I’d figured out how to correctly spell ‘WBA’ (thanks, Mum x) I found out that they’re actually a football team near Birmynum and that WBA is only a shortening of their full name, West Brom.  Amongst their loyal supporters, the “Baggies” (no, me neither) are affectionately known as ‘West Bromwich Albion Associated Football Club’ which is mostly just to annoy everyone from East Bromwich Albion Residents Association Bridge Club.  The dangermen for United to watch out for will be Cyrille Regis, Stéphane Sessègnon and Lenny Henry.

Prediction:  With Vangle having seen all his troops in World Cup-winning form over the international break, he’ll have a very easy job plotting the destruction of West Brom.  Little Angel will terrorise their midfield from the outset, laying on an early goal for Little Robin who’ll return the favour within minutes for a comfortable two goal lead.  Little Radamel will complete his adjustment to the English game by scoring from 30, 35 and 49 yards respectively.  A fourth effort of his in the second half from 63 yards is actually hit so hard it sends the crossbar spiralling out of the ground, eventually landing in the NEC’s car park whilst the poor bruised football dribbles out for a goal kick.  Little Yannis Zye will come on whilst a replacement crossbar is installed, and he will set up Little Juan for an easy tap-in after some totes amazeballs skills leave eight Baggies on their posteriors.  The last goal will come in the final five minutes when Little Radamel scores his fourth as he’s being substituted off in the traditional “score three goals, go home early” we all know and love.  1-0 WBA.

In the first of a new series, and inspired by a genius piece of Jordan Henderson fan art, I’d like to present my acrostic of Mr David De Gea, who lists among his interests: Keeping goals, eating and breathing.

I’ve done one of these for each player, so hopefully there’s not more than twelve games left in the season or I’ll have run out and you’ll have to look at pictures of my holiday or cats or something.  Probably the cats.  Bitches love cats.

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Brett:

Personally, I’d be all for boycotting this game until the east and west of Bromwich are re-unified. The migration of the intellectual elite across the border to the west, has left the easNo, NO, NO … let’s not sail the good ship soccer into the murky wafers of politix. I still laugh out loud inside when I never recall the time Titanic director, and manager of Blue, David Cameron said that he had once had a football in Leeds train station, though couldn’t remember if it was a size 5 official football or a 99p floater from the seaside, but enjoyed the football nonetheless. And I just want to hide behind my eyes, when I look back at that time Margaret Thatcher gave David Beckham the order to shoot that penalty at Argentina, even though Michael Owens had dived, creating the opportunity illegally. And who could forget the forgettable time Tony Blair played a few games for Newcastle while strumming guitar, and as a direct consequence was put on trial for Wor crimes.

Anyway, today’s visitors are us and the WBA are straight outta Coventry on the Ringway Rudge/A4053 towards Exit 8.

I’ve seen some pictures on the nets of our day out at that assault course Gordon Burns wouldn’t even waste his spit on. Whatever floats your hausboat, but if I were LVG I’d be strapping on my life jacket, cos on the horizon, sharking for work, is a very impressive manager whose re-emergence this week has sent shock waves across bird tables two doors down.

Prediction: This week’s winner with a Krypton Factor of 3: it’s Richard Bacon impersonator, from the Nether regions, Robin van Persie.

Benno (@Benglorious):

“Lololololo Radamel Falcao!”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that tens of thousands of people laughing at their club’s latest signing can’t be good for the player in question’s confidence.  This showed last Sunday as the poor bloke started his United career with zero goals.  Seeing as this is what he was hired for, his new employers can’t have been that impressed.  Imagine a milkman on his first ever round failing to deliver any milk and you can maybe understand the gravity of the situation.  As supporters of the club, we should be getting behind our players and singing them songs of encouragement to help them perform better and to let them know that they have our loyalty and respect.  I know for a fact that Dave the milkman appreciated my efforts every morning right up until the court case.

That’s enough preaching for now as I’m only paid to write about the kicking and running part of the sport.  Lester is our opponent this weekend.  I’m assuming he’s got a big garden and at least ten mates or it’s going to be a bit of a wasted journey.  All I know about this Lester chap is that he likes foxes, crisps and Gary Lineker so he must be a sound bloke.

Prediction:  With a squad that includes Emile Heskey, Muzzy Izzet and Willy Thorne, Leicester will be no pushovers.  That being said, Di María will continue his already dazzling start in a United shirt by delivering two erection-inducing assists for Falcao to slot home just before half-time.  After the break, Mata will banana a free-kick of such perfection into the top corner that the referee will have no choice but to award two goals.  Leicester will become dispirited at this blatant disregard for the laws of the beautiful game, and this will leave them wide open for Herrera and Rooney to bag a cheeky goal each and finish the game off nicely.  1-0 Leicester.

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Brett:

Your going two half too bear width me, has Aimar lidl bit Russ tea, have in knot dunne this four sew long…

While hive bean a whey, hive bean biz he perfecting a real Lee a maze sink sand wedge analogy, in clue ding  sand wedge real hated fillings, bread, hand sew on hahn sew fourth – hit’s real he fun knee, heaven if eye do say sew mice elf, Butt Best key pit two mice elf has ewe well hone Lee one two steel hit hand go hair hound saying “hay list hen two this sand wedge analogy eye may dap. Doh nut list hen two Brett he dead knot may kit hoop, eye did” hand the hat sore tough thing. Hand hit goose width owts hay ink, hob via sleigh, eye have bean key ping hoop two date width hall the eggs siting trans fur hack tea VT.

Their the hat wasn’t sew bad. I donught no watt I was war read a bout. Stihl god it.

Prediction: Danny with is custom marry to. Pat Rice Evra two do watt head us best. RE O hand Vid Ditch two Ruel the deafens. Shin Gee Kag Aware two prove hide haul the ham you niche hen. Hand Cheek car heet hoe toes core juan fran the sub stitch chute bench. 1-0 Linekster. Like Bob’s use you all joke butt mush bet tuh!

Ben (Benglorious):

Second game of the season today and my username and password for this site still haven’t been revoked.  In light of this, I’ve decided that I’m going to up my game in the preview stakes and finally put my name on the Top Red map.  Not today, though.

After last week’s 1-0 victory over Swansea, Vangle has started exactly as the fans wanted him to.  I was actually at Old Trafford for the game, and my only quibble with the performance was that my view was obstructed for most of the ninety minutes so all I saw was Rooney’s goal.  My second quibble is about the noise at the stadium: I paid good money for my ticket, so is it too much to ask for the other seventy-five thousand match-goers to just sit quietly for an hour and a half and just enjoy the spectacle in front of them as I wished to?  I hope this is one of the next issues to address on Vangle’s list.

Sunderland are the destination today, and they’d better not concede any penalties as we have a ruthless track record against the Black Cats.  In fact, my window cleaner reckons that out of the 263 penalties United have taken against Sunderland over the last three seasons, we’ve only missed one and that was because Anderson had eaten the ball after extra time due to him not being able to last more than ninety minutes without eating.  What I find most remarkable about this is that I don’t have a window cleaner and after his visit I also don’t have a telly anymore.

Sunderlands to watch out for today are ex-alumni Wes Brown and John O’Shea as they’re both awesome and pretty much the only names I recognise in their squad.  United on the other hand will have their new signing, the Argentine Mark Rogers, playing at some position in the back two/three/four/five (delete as to your own interpretation of the hipstormation).  Apparently, he’s famous for getting boners when he clears the ball.  While this sounds a bit odd, I’d imagine this is actually a pretty good tactic to employ against those strikers that love sticking their arse in whilst they’re shielding the ball.

[Phone rings: “Hello? ……  Yes, Mum, I know his name’s not Mark Rogers ……  Yes, Mum, I know it’s not ‘boners’  ……  Well I thought it was funny  ……  ……  ……  ……  What do you mean ‘no work permit’?  ……  ……  But that’s stupid; United are a MASSIVE company type thing, why would they sign a player who can’t  …… Woodward? Say no more.  Oh, while I’ve got you: any information on our starting lineup?  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Injured?  ……  ALL OF THEM?!  ……  Well, who  ……  Cleverley AND Fellaini?!?!  Oh, FFS.  ……  It stands for ‘for fu  ……  Why did you ask me then?!  ……  I don’t know why I abbreviated it to you, it’s a thing that the kids are doing  ……  ……  ……  Yeah, you only get 140 characters  ……  Yes, characters are letters, Mum  ……  I DON’T KNOW –  THEY’RE JUST CALLED ‘CHARACTERS’  ……  Sorry  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Welbz?  For reals?  ……  *sighs* It means ‘really’ ……  Yes, it’s another young thing  ……  Yes, Mother, I’m aware of how old I am; stop changing the subject.  Are they really selling him or is this more media rubbish?  ……  ……  Just because a journalist says something it does not make it fact  ……  …… This may shock you, but newspapers aren’t free  ……  Yes, okay, but the Parish Newsletter is not a national publication, is it?  ……  BUT THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SEND IT TO AUNTY GLORIA!  ……  Look, I’ve got enough filler now to make this look better/longer so I’m going.  Love you.”]

Prediction:  Danny will prove all the haters/lovers wrong/right today by banging in six goals from 8 shots in the warm-up.  During the game, Robin and Rooney will reignite their partnership with a goal each before halftime, with both being subbed off at the break and only being replaced by Welbz.  He will play both their games as well as his own and end up scoring four:  two headers set up by himself from incisive crosses, one calm finish after a lovely flicked through-ball from himself and the fourth coming after some lovely work down the left from himself before he reacts quickest to bang his own cross-come-shot into the roof of the net.  1-0 Sunderland.

Brett:

*Engaged tone*

Ben (Benglorious):

When Brent asked me if I wanted to continue previewing United games for the new season, I was more thrilled than I was on my last day at the orphanage.  Christ, I hated working with those whiny kids.

It doesn’t really seem that long ago since the last season finished.  Can’t remember how it ended, but I’m sure we played well and if we didn’t, I’m sure we tried our best.  Summer was jam-packed full of awesome stuff to tide us over, though:  There was the World Cup in Brazil, which must’ve been won by Brazil because they’re the best and obviously have local knowledge of the pitches in Brazil; There was the Commonwealth Games, which according to Wikipedia is “just a shit Olympics” {citation needed}, and that must’ve been won by Scotland because they can run and jump and stuff I imagine, especially as it was held in Glasgow; What else happened? What else happened? What else happ… Oh, Rolf Harris caught ebola or something.  Actually, not a lot happened in the summer apart from the World Cup.  Which was fine.

Anyway, on to United.  Louis Vangle (my joke, regardless of what you heard elsewhere) is the new man in charge.  He’s won stuff in other places, and he talks funny.  That puts him one up over Moyes already.  He’s got a very flat face, and his hair must be amazing because of all the talk I’ve seen about him and Vidal Sassoon being best pals or whatever.  You must know by now that I don’t research any things.  But what if this is the first thing by me that you’ve read?  If so, I don’t research anything.  I said that a minute ago.  If you were a bit brighter you could’ve put the pieces together earlier and skipped this explanatory bit entirely, saving yourself valuable seconds.  Idiot.

The first visitors to Old Trafford this season will be the mighty Swansea, who ply their trade in Wale… Hang on.  Pretty sure I remember saying that Welsh teams shouldn’t even be playing in an English league, and that I’d refuse to write about them.  However, I also remember Bryll saying that if I wanted to maybe possibly almost definitely be paid this season then I’d have to write about every opponent, regardless of country of origin.

Ummmmmmmmm.  White kits.  Ooh!  That Mike bloke who only cost an unbelievable £2 a few seasons ago.  Oh.  Mum said he’s out on loan and said to her on the phone that he was very happy where he is at the moment.  Bugger.  That doesn’t leave me a lot to work with.  Let me double-bluff you all by quickly researching their squad list and then do some rubbish name-based jokes in my now world-famous “Players to watch out for“* section:  Angelwrangledanglefanglespangle Rangel is a slightly more handsome Martin Keown, and is a slightly less good defender than the aforementioned Neanderthal; Bony is the main striker, banging in the goals when he’s not singing about Russian love machines, and; Jonjo “why, mum and dad, why?” Shelvey is also a Swansea player, who apparently should be wary of Harry Potter coming to get him.  I personally find this preposterous as Harry:

1) is highly unlikely to play in any form of competitive football against JJS as he’s a Qudditcher and not a baller

b) is half the size of JJS: he’s just a boy compared to the man-sized lump that is JJS, and would therefore easily get his public schoolboy teeth kicked in

IIV) is a fictioner.

Prediction: If pre-season was a yardstick to measure future United performances by, then we’d have two and a half feet of a chance in this game.  I don’t know what that means either.  New boys Andy Hairer and Ashley Young will be the ruiners of Swansea, combining lethally in the final third of the pitch to each set up a goal for the other taking United into a comfortable halftime lead.  A quick formation shuffle by Vangle after the break to 2-1-1-1-1-1-1-2 will see the club’s beloved captain score his first two goals of the season, before he drops back into the “1” (the fourth from the left “1”, or maybe the third from the right “1” – that’s the beauty of hipstormations**; anything is unimpossible) position to allow Mata and Welbeck to carve Swansea’s defence a new bum crack, adding a goal apiece.  United will then ease off for the last ten minutes, letting Swansea get a charitable first game consolation goal scored by, I don’t know, Vorm or someone.  The United team will then invite me and Tom on to the pitch to join in the crowd appreciation, thank us for our telling match previews and also let us take a turn at kicking Anderson until he cries and leaves the country.  1-0 Swansea.

*To be read in the voice of that X-Factor announcing bloke or just really pompous and loud if you can’t do his voice.

**Coined and minted by me.  Not Tom.

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Brett:

*can’t work out how to disable holiday response*

Ben (Benglorious):

The season was over for us long ago, so I still have no idea why I have to write these things.  It’s not like anything momentous has happened at Old Trafford this week……………………………………………………………..

HA!  You were expecting my phone to ring there, but the joke’s on you:  I’ve actually been keeping abreast of the football news this week.  For example: Alison Moyet got sacked as Everton manager on Tuesday and Diana Rigg is in the ring manager for the last four games, until they hire Jean-Claude van Damme as a permanent replacement.  It actually feels good to be so ITK for once.

Today, the Mustard Lickers are today’s visitors to our stadium building today for yet another of those game things they so love to play every week.  How many of these actual games there are in a season we’ll never know, but the vibe out there is that Delia Oliver’s boys are going to get a figurative spanking.  Where “there” is and what exactly a “vibe” is are two more things that sciencers have yet to discover, and I have no idea what a “spanking” is although just saying the word out loud has brought on a feeling of creepy dread that I just can’t shake off.

In lieu of my regular “players to watch out for” segment, I’ve included this infographical pictorial representation of Norwich’s “Greatest Ever Ex Eye” as voted for by their fans.  I came across this because I couldn’t think of any Norwich players to put in the aforementioned segment, and thought it was too funny to not share.  OOH!  Ruel Fox.  Watch out for him.

Prediction: New manager, new style.  Or back to the old style when we used to win things and stuff.  Giggsy has raised the expectations today and his team will not disappoint.  Expect fluidity, dynamism, pace, power, skill and a camaraderie amongst the players such as we’ve not seen since the heady days of the Fergie Dynasty all those eons ago.  Welbeck will zup zup his way through the wall of canaries to get us started; Rooney will bag the second by coolly slotting home from 127 yards; Mata will be the Spanish architect of our third and fourth goals, both scored by Janizzi, before scoring a goal of the season contender himself for our fifth goal.  With the game secure, Giggsy will then bring himself on to the most standingy ovation the world has ever seen, and a minute later he will weave and jink his way through all 24 of Norwich’s defenders to score a goal of such beauty and grace that the board will have no choice but to give him the manager’s job full time, or face the prospect of every team in England refusing to play until they do.  Yeah, the goal’s going to be THAT good.  1-0 Norwich.

No free stuff this week due to Mum being upset that nobody wants any of her junk.

About the author:  I love the Chosen One.  The newest chosen one, not that previous incumbent who was only chosen because his moving costs from Liverpool weren’t that expensive.

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Brett:

This is every blogger’s dream: one of your favourite players, who embodies the very spirit of your club, actually managing the thing! With so few blogs around, and so little opinion anywhere on the internet, everyone wants to know exactly what you think about it, and you have a duty as a blogger to satiate that want. It could almost be intimidating: thousands upon thousands of people hanging on your every word. Luckily, I have pre-prepared some words for such an occasion … they’re just here … wait a minute, juuuuust … no, not there. Not there either. Aaaah, I remember now, I was wearing my best jeans when I wrote it … no, not there. Aaaah course! Back pocket … no, not there. Oh! Of course! Duh! Silly me… the other back p… no, not there either. Oh yeah, I know where it is! Hold on…

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No, not there either. Could it beeeeee … no. How abooooou … no. Aaaahh! must beeeeeee … no. Bear with me a second…

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No, not there. Hahaha! What am I like?! Let’s try… no, not there. Could be… no, not there either. Wait! Got It! Back in a tick…

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No, no there either. Unleeeessssss…

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Forgeddit.

Ben (Benglorious):

Not really sure if there’s any point writing anything today.  Liverpool are cruising to the title as we speak, and I’m pretty sure that is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Don’t quote me on that; it’s been a while since I read that Bible thing.  I suppose I should fulfil my contractual obligations to this website, before I spend the rest of my Bank Holiday finding a cheap lawyer to get me out of said contract.  Wonder if Paul Stretford does pro bono?  Why would anyone be pro-Bono?  The man’s so smug and self-righteous that I can’t even think of a half-decent analogy.

David Moyes has done pretty well this season, even after losing last season’s top goalscorer.  He’s had his poor moments, let’s be honest, but to still be challenging near the top of the table with the squad he’s got needs commend…

[Phone rings: “Hello?…. The United manager?!…. Since when?….. But what about Fergie?….. END OF LAST SEASON?! Jebus….. Then who…. The Wigan manager?….. Yup…. Yup….. Mmmhmmm….. I know, I know…. They asked ME to write for THEM, it’s not my fault that I know nothing about football, but having Moyes in charge would explain a lot about this season….. ……. ……. ……. …… …… …… I’ve tried, Mum, I don’t think enough people read this to be honest, and most people have laptops nowadays so they wouldn’t need your monitor…. Personally, I’d bin it, but I’m sure Oxfam would love it sitting on their shelf for 6 months before they throw it in the bin…. Sorry, you’ve thrown me a bit with that Fergie stuff….. Yup, I’ll keep trying…. Okay, then.  I’ll see you next Tuesday…..  Sorry!  I didn’t think you’d know what that meant.  Anyway, gotta go.  Love you, mummy.”]

Players to watch out for today would’ve included Fellaini, but apparently he plays for us now.

Prediction:  This is obviously a bigger game for the Toffees than for United, as they’ve got a realistic chance of finishing fourth.  That doesn’t mean that we should just hand them the game, and I fully expect Rooney to score from 117 yards against his old club, before Welbz zup zups his way through the Everton defence to slot a goal of the season contender all whilst De Gea throws himself about at the other end like Dr Octopus fighting Spiderman AND Green Goblin to keep the unlikeliest of clean sheets under immense pressure.  1-0 Everton.

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Free to a good home:  Rotary washing line, pegs not included.

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About the author:  I need to stop using Soccer AM for my research.

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Brett:

When we look back on this season, taking all things into account, we will no doubt look at the job David Moyes has done and realise just how good a manager he really is. He’s done amazingly well to shape the tired squad he was left with by his long serving Scottish predecessor. The way the previous manager had shaped the club tactically and mentally, meant he had his work cut out to put his own unique stamp on things, but he’s managed it seemingly effortlessly. The Fellaini transfer was an absolute masterstroke – never has a team needed a bold statement of intent like that to really push on and introduce a new, more dynamic, dimension to their attacking play.  He’s taken the step up in his stride: he always looked capable of going on to manage at a higher level, and he’s really shown that.

Oh, David Moyes is our manager, isn’t he?! I keep forgetting. Okay, the first paragraph still stands: just substitute David Moyes out for Roberto Martinez. I’d forget my neck if David Moyes hadn’t made me repeatedly smash it against a brick wall for the past 7 months. My head went a little bit before that.

So, will he play the triangle, or won’t he?! Personally, I think if he’s going to play anything at his leaving do, it should be the trombone.

Prediction: Manchester United to put in a complaint to the Premier League, stating that teams have been at an unfair advantage going into games against us knowing beforehand how rubbish we are, and they agree to play the whole season again.

Unlike Fergie, Moyes didn’t have the luxury of a Michael Owen on the bench in the big Champions’ League game, or even a Berba to leave out completely … and so the result in the end was inevitable.

Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Hey?!

Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Hey?!

*note to self: try mixing that vocal loop over some dubstep later.

*note to self: find out what ‘dubstep’ is.

For what it’s worth (About £500; I pay myself £30 a word, but don’t tell Ben, or his Mum), I thought that was a proper decent effort, and in a season with little to celebrate that Patrice goal went someway to making up for it.

#VoteDave

Ben (Benglorious):

It’s here at last.  The big one I’ve been waiting for.  It’s been over a week since I last glued my eyes to something of such importance and intensity.  In the meantime, I’ve had to settle for the non-match of a comfortable win against one of the other Uniteds (I forget which).  Even Mata bagging his first brace (as predicted by me for a different match entirely) wasn’t enough to take my mind off the aforementioned “big one”.  I’ve been like a child adventing (if that’s not a verb, I’m ruddy claiming it) my way towards Exmas: counting down the days, consoling myself each morning with one less sleep to worry about, constantly checking the date and eating a disgusting chocolate in lieu of breakfast.  Fibre broadband was well worth the wait.

There’s some football on tonight as well, or so the so-called “authorities” would have you believe.  Just to keep off their radar, I’ll go along with their sham and write a few bits about it.  United flew to Europe yesterday (that’s tomorrow if you’re reading this Monday just gone) for their match against their opponents at their opponent’s stadium in their opponent’s country.  This is the second leg of the match, which I assume is best of three sets.  The winner of this match goes on to some form of round-robin-winner-takes-all-next-goal-wins-can’t-tag-your-butcher-pistols-at-dawn-big-championship game.  Then they give the trophy to Barcelona.

Players to watch out for tonight include Juan Mata, who no doubt will get his fair share of camera time (why have we taken a player who can’t even play (not you, Clevz)?  No bloody wonder the club’s in so much debt); Bastian Schweinsteiger, who no doubt will also get his fair share of camera time due to him nearly killing Rooney in the last game (that’s if he’s even got the guts to show his face.  I would if I was him: tickets must be well cheap at your own stadium if you’re a player); and finally, the whole team playing against us (someone told a mate of mine that they’re supposed to be quite good.  Said “mate” then relayed this information to me.  I wrote it down here.  The technical term for this is “research”.

Prediction:  Moyes will have learned from the last outing that Fellaini is only cut out for chest tricks and time-wasting, so he will be saved for when we need to protect our lead.  To get into this “lead” situation I’ve just mentioned, and which I assume is a good thing, Rooney will score from 97 yards, Welbz will zup zup for Brett’s customary two and Good Kagawa will be the glorious architect of it all; cementing his place in the annals of United history.  Glory, Glory Man United!!!  1-0 Bayern

No offerings from Mum today, although she did give me a yoghurt which I ate.

About the author:  I didn’t really eat it.

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Brett:

What part of ‘you don’t have to play Wayne Rooney in every single game to get the best out of our squad, to play the most magical football (that we are more than capable of playing), to facilitate the enjoyment of football for all United’s fans and all interested neutrals, to get the best results, and to make the world a better place’, does Moyes not understand? Oh actually, I just worked it out: it’s the ‘don’t’ bit.

The allegation – or is it the crocodilation (I can never tell the difference) – levelled at us by most sane people, after the first leg, was that we’re too regressive to progress; and thus haven’t got a chance. But I read in a book once that ‘history teaches us that it’s often the ‘mad’ ones that get it right’, and if it’s in a book then it must be true. I’ve never read anything in a book to make me doubt that things in books aren’t true. Have you? Didn’t think so. I have only read that one book, and I only skimmed it, cos I was watching Take Me Out and Paddy had just said something right funny (you had to be there), but still … if we can just find someone mad enough to predict a United win, then I’m pretty sure that means it’s going to happen. Are you still with me? Good.  Well, can you explain to me what on earth I just said? ‘cos I stopped listening/caring about 580 posts ago. If I’m honest I sometimes drive myself … mad. Hold on a minute…!

Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. The other from Swag. POTY in waiting Dave to do as he do (#VoteDave). The David Moyes we’ve got to remove his mask and reveal he was the David Moyes we hoped we might be getting, all along.

Ben (Benglorious):

Champions League quarter finals, eh?  Whodathunkit after the season we’ve had, eh?  Hang on…  Why are they called ‘quarter finals’ anyway?  Do the matches only last twenty-two and a half minutes or are we only allowed two and three-quarter players on the pitch?  I suppose nobody will ever know.

I did some research into our opponents, and it turns out that this is the first time we’ve ever played Bayern Munich.  We did beat a Bayern München in 1999 to complete some sort of historic ‘trouble’.  Actually, now that I think about it, I DID have a lot of trouble getting down Deansgate to work one day that year, due to thousands of people shouting at a bus.  Maybe the two things were related?  Again, nobody will ever know.

Players to watch out for tonight include the facially-scarred evil Gary Neville, or Gary N-evil; Stefefefefefan Effefefefefefenberg, the Swedish goal-machine, and; Dante, who’s taken time off from his scribblings about the human soul to become one of the world’s most coveted defenders.

Prediction:  Apparently, Shinji never lost a game against these guys whilst he played in Germany, so I’m expecting him to score at least two from his preferred position sitting behind David Moyes.  I’m also expecting Rooney to score from 77 yards tonight, cementing a comfortable, albeit unexpected win to cheer up all the United fans.  1-0 Bayern.

Mum’s got a LG 15″ LCD monitor up for grabs if you want it.  Let me know or it’s going to Oxfam.

About the author:  I lost my first draft of this, so actually used my prodigious memory for something other than rubbish jokes and movie quotes for the first time in 20 years.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I have to say, regardless of the history, the occasion, and despite being a personal fan, I have never rated Baron Munchausen. Although it has all the trademarks usually associated with Gilliam’s work – it looks voluptous, the pythonesque surrealism etc – there’s no real sense of proportion to the visual magnificence and narrative. Whereas Twelve Monkeys uses the surreal to propel and assist the story, Baron simply degenerates into a sprawling mess of over-blown ideas and narcissism. It’s a sad indictment of our season that come the quarter-finals of the Champions League, we’re discussing the life and works of Terry Gilliam rather than some top European football….

Anyway, that said, I do have some good news: earlier this week, whilst in the first class lounge awaiting another international flight to Miami,  I did have the good fortune to bump into a certain character popular amongst fans this season – what follows is the subsequent and very impromptu interview.

TM: What with SAF retiring, David Moyes tenure getting off to a less than auspiscious start and in relation to your own well-documented set-backs, what do you make of DM’s United career so far?

LZ: To be honest – and this is perhaps easier for me because I’m essentially a sentient machine with incredible power – it kinda reminds me of Starscream’s ill-fated stab at command after Megatron’s “death” after the Battle of Autobot City* ie Not the best.

TM: As a galactic warlord who is renowned for his ruthlessness (who can forget Nebulos?!), how would you address the current predicament?

LZ: In the old days, Megatron would just order Scorched Earth, annihilate everyone involved and start over with powerful incentive driven demands. However, given the binary bonding process that led to the ceation of Head/Target/Power Masters, I’d advise cutting your losses, bringing in Klopp and giving him in free rein to rebuild the team. But then I again, I support QPR! (laughs)

TM: Do you think we’ll be back in the frame next season?

LZ: No F*&%ing chance

TM: Messi or Ronaldo?

LZ: Ronaldo for me – Messi is like Optimus Prime; he’s awesome but he’s just such a boy scout its hard to like him – he just makes you feel worse about yourself. No, if I was a footballer, I’d be Ronaldo – powerful, fast, my own underwear collection and totally consumed by self-interest.

TM: Since the threat of Unicorn and your apparent ceasefire/self-sacrifice, has there been any definitive talks for a permanent peace?

LZ: Who writes these questions? (laughs) right – firstly, that whole spiel was done to sell shirts, nothing more; it was out of character, served no real purpose – I’m a machine, just rebuild me?! – and was handled with such an over-abundance of sentimentality it besmirched nearly everything else I’d achieved. Secondly – everyone’s always banging on about the Cybertronian Wars….put it this way: there’s ONLY Liverpool and United fans in existence. And you’ve got guns.

TM: And finally: Do you feel short-changed by the increasingly inept Transformers franchise?

LZ: Yes. Yes I do.

*Zarak went on to suggest that calling it a city, when it clearly only had about 12 inhabitants, was just one of the reasons the Autobots really grind his gears.

Just been told that interviewing Lord Zarak (aka Scorponok) doesn’t count as a thing and that it’s Bayern Munich we’re playing. Which does make more sense if I’m honest. If this were Transformers, Bayern would go 2-0 up, a leader would fall (Let’s say Rio. It’s for the best) and a young upstart (Welbz obvs) would seize the Creation Matrix enabling United to win 7-2. But this isnt Transformers. Despite the lack of coherence and shoddy animation.

Prediction: Man will eventually develop telekinesis

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Brett:

There’s no point in this opening paragraph. I genuinely do think Bayern are over-rated, though that looks really rubbish now as an opening bit, cos of what Tom said in his opening bit – thanks Tom, yeah, love you too. Didn’t think it was true what they* said about you, but now I’m coming round. I was going to say something about never telling anyone that and then I was going to go on to say that it’s because they’ll chuck ugly things at me like facts and reason and all that. But since the incident that I just mentioned what with Tom getting his opening bit in first I can’t be b

Whatever else is going on at United, getting this far in the Champions’ League should be seen as a wonderful opportunity for Bayern to rotate their squad, rest a few players, try out some set plays, that sort of thing – before things get serious for them in the next round.

A midfield of Giggs, Fellaini and Fletch would please me. Though in all honesty any midfield we pick could get the upper-hand over theirs, so long as they give us a 3,475 pass head start. Though taking into account our passing accuracy, better round that up to nearer 3,476.

As for Pep Guardiolaaaaaaaaah aaaah.Haha! Not again lads. You nearly had me there. Growing a team in his back garden is he? Using canes to prop the midfield up no doubt? Hey?! Don’t tell me he’s … Oh, that’s Gladioli. Anyway, Pep Guardiola. Nice one. You’ll have to get up a lot earlier on April Fools Day etc Haha!                                                      Ha.                                                                          Ha.

Ha.

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Regardless of how well we won’t or really won’t play, I’m looking forward to participating in the experience and experiencing my participation in it.

Prediction: 1-1. The regulars to do an impression of me by putting on a Northern accent and ‘bigging up Danny’, when they think I’m not looking – though I’m secretly actually looking. Then to blank me when I try to join in any conversation, though I actually don’t want to even join in their rotten conversation. And then Mike’s teenage son to round the night off perfectly by looking at me with utter disdain, as I sit in the corner, alone. Oh, wait, that was every other week. Maybe tonight it will all be different…

*your family

Ha.