Bournemouth 0 - 2 United

Bournemouth 0 – 2 United

We learned nothing. That doesn’t count.

Bournemouth vs. United

Bournemouth vs. United

(@Benglorious) I am on holiday so suck your disappointment right on its dick. Prediction: Me to ruin my holiday for me (I’m obvs on holiday alone cos me) by constantly checking my phone to see what great a jokes Brett is tweeting tonight. 0-0 United. m  (@tom_mcghee) What words? Are we playing tonight? On a […]

United 1 - 0 Bournemouth

United 1 – 0 Bournemouth

1-0 to United. It’s just like the days of Eric. It isn’t. 5 things we learned: 1. Illegal streams leave a lot to be desired. 2. No Last Jedi spoilers McGhee I swear to God I’ll fuck you up. 3. Lips, sealed. But I was shocked to see Han return as a force ghost. 4. […]

United vs. Bournemouth

United vs. Bournemouth

  (@Benglorious) CORAL.  It’s not televised. Prediction:  0-0 United. m  (@tom_mcghee) Are we on telly tonight? Can’t see it anywhere call bullshit. Blue Planet. It’s why we dressed you as a fish for 6 weeks. Haha I didn’t tell you to do it for the HALIBUT! Prediction: 0-0 United   m (@bifurcated_utd) What programme did […]

United 1 - 1 Bournemouth

United 1 – 1 Bournemouth

At Bifurcated we have been lobbying for a long time with the footballerers: it’s such a shame these results aren’t recorded in a table or league format, because by my calculations we’d be sitting proud in 6th place, and the whole world would be saying something about it every day of the week, and every […]

United vs. Bournemouth

United vs. Bournemouth

(@Benglorious) Spent so much time making the dankest of memes that I can’t do a preview. What a time to be alive. m Luke Shaw match stats: Interceptions – 6 Tackles – 14 Headed clearances – 3 Take-ons – 11 Dribbles – 29 Pass completion – 97% Assists – 2 Goals – 2 Next game […]

Bournemouth 1 - 3 United

Bournemouth 1 – 3 United

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*. If the English Premier League stopped right now […]

Bournemouth vs. United

Bournemouth vs. United

 Benno (@Benglorious) Huzzah, the football’s back. It’s been sorely missed what with the lack of an international tournament during the summer as well as no preseason friendlies, plus the Olympics not recognising it as a sport. United have bought a new manager this summer, who in turn has bought some new players, who in turn have […]

United 3 - 1 Bournemouth

United 3 – 1 Bournemouth

Now we’re Twitterfamousers you’d think we’d be too Johnny Big Boots to learn. And you’d be right tbf. Who needs to learn anything when you’re hobnobbing with the Twitterati; drinking pre-mixed Bucks Fizz from posh glasses?! Tell your 3 RT and 5 Like faces to suck on your disappointment. Bite us. But we’re legally obligated […]

United vs. Bournemouth

 Benno (@Benglorious) It’s finally the last game of the season. I for one couldn’t be happier that United haven’t got even one more game after today’s clash with Bournemouth, as I’m completely spent after writing in-depth previews for the three hundred or so other matches we’ve played this season. I’m really looking forward to the European […]

United vs Chelsea

United vs Chelsea

     Benno (@Benglorious) All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point. Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. […]

Bournemouth 2 – 1 United

All this learning is tiring. If we have to learn so much, how come Vangle gets away with it. Must have some candids of the chief of learningdom’s wife. As for the match: that’s now 8 goals in two games like the swashbucklingnessisms you all deserved. And David Savids is catching (lol @ catching) the […]

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