United’s Europa League campaign = Derren Brown’s infamous Russian Roulette trick. But with us preferring the chamber was full of live rounds.

Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-De-De-De-De-Doo, De-De-Doo…

Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-De-De-De-De-Doo, De-De-Doo … it’s the final clown shoes.

Here’s 5 things we learned about our historic final (final is another word for Fellaini) jigsaw piece:

1. Best

2. Game

3. Ever

4. Agree to disagree.

5. WHY ARE WE SO BAD?

(@Benglorious)

Tonight is make or break, do or die, dog eat dog, boy meets world, girl on girl, north by northwest for United. The Europa League is our last shot at being big time Charlies this season, but there’s always the chance we will massively balls it up. Well, not even massively knowing us.

Prediction: A debut goal for Rashford on his debut followed by Herrera literally being scared to death by his own shadow leads to UEFA abandoning the match, followed quickly by the entire shameful tournament. 1-0 to the Arsenal.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Not doing words tonight as I hate us rn and they (the stupid readers) don’t deserve my genius. ‘Us” in this case – and only this case – means United, not you and me and … Brett, is it?

Prediction: All the nils. Lose on no goals rule.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Looking forward to having a good old right old laugh at us losing and finishing 5th. One day we’ll all meet up at 2’0’clock, at the fountain down the road. AND I SAID…

Mindhorn (2017)

Don’t. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: It will be strange. 0-0 United.

Pretty smalltime of Jose Mourinho to call us out on international TV for never actually managing to highlight 5 things we’ve learned imho.

Here’s 5 things we learned, just for Jose:

1. Marcus Rashford is the future of everything (Orange lied to us).

2. Lovely touch having the A-Team playing at HT, legit highlight imho.

3. That trophy is so close I can almost taste it.

4. Scratch that – it tastes like bum.

5. Hey!! That’s my actual bum you just scratcBOOM!

m

m

(@Benglorious)

Celta Vigo are not a team United should be taking lightly this evening. After all, this IS the business end of the elite Europa competition-that-isn’t-for-the-best-clubs-in-Europe-but-still-gives-us-annoying-midweek-games-that-make-us-draw-all-our-important-matches-but-at least-if-we-do-win-the-whole-thing-it-does-mean-that-we’re-better-than-Liverpool League.

Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford and yet another hat-trick for Ronaldo as the Reds cruise to an easy victory. 0-0 United

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

There is simply no way Brett can speak Dutch.

Celta Vigo were founded in 1989 after losing to the Ghostbusters and Bobby Brown – a Carpathian team of dubious intentions, they’ve come a long way from those dark days (literally – they’re now in Spain !!) and Jordi Cryuff used to play for them. Hey! He played for us too! What a small world/it really really is.

Star Wars: All of them but not the two newest ones (1977-2005)

1. Star Wars: Badass wants his plans back, farm boy and his super friends think this is dumb. Ruddy brilliant.

2. The Empire Strikes Back: Game-changer, Empire is the film The Beatles could’ve been. Turns out Darth is Luke’s dad. Despite what Kenobi had said earlier, the maniac. Ruddy Brilliant.

3. Return of the Jedi: Feel-good factor of It’s a Wonderful life but without the boring bits and with more Star Wars. Final lightsaber duel, Darth’s redemption and Williams’ score make this the best piece of cinematography in the world ever. To disagree is to admit you are in fact for tools.

4. The Phantom Menace: This wedding is horseshit.

5. Attack of the Clones: Bite my Banger, Lucas

6. Revenge of the Sith: I could legit have made a better film than this with my balls.

Prediction: Brett to pretend to speak Dutch, scorn poured from all quarters. Let’s say 1-0, us.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

If there is a worse treble than the Charity Shop, EDL, and Eurovision, then I’m a Dutchman.

Niet een clownshoes nederlander zoals Vangle, maar een machtige boom zwakkeloos volleying als Van Persie. Ik ben Nederlands van die tijd dat Liverpool dat droomde dat het wel beter was dan deze, past bij het United fan profiel dat ze altijd lolling en een grapje op hun kosten maken.

Prediction: En ik hou van de gedachte om thuis naar je toe te komen, zelfs als ik weet dat we het niet kunnen maken. Lol houdt van de laatste twee voorspellingen. Hashtag merk. Nul – Nul, United.