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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Liverpool are funny. Not funny like a clown because clowns are winners.

m

Opposition summary: 

Research shows that Swansea are not from Belgium. Further research shows that they are something of a “bogey team” for Vangle. Further further research would tell me what “bogey team” means but they don’t call me No-More-Than-Two-Bits-Of-Research Benno because of my limp. It’s because I won’t do more than two bits of research. So, in my opinion, Vangle must see Swansea as a team of salty and delicious chewy wet lumps. I’ve forgotten what my point was.

Prediction: 

Vangle to give me an easy joke by playing his 7 as a 1, 5 as a 6, 11 as a floating 15, his 10 as a masculine 8, the 2 and 4 as a skydiving 12 and 13 but with full ground support from the 9 who is still a 9 because I’ve lost track of what numbers I’ve used and there’s no way of finding out. PHILOSOPHY. 0-0 United.

m

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I have no idea who Swansea is. And don’t tell me they beat us twice last year because that was a dream. Like Dallas. Now *that* was a show we could all enjoy.

Prediction: Due to the very nature of football, predicting the result accurately is remarkably difficult. Means at best all those pundits who do it are clowns and congratulate their guesswork (when correct) as insight and knowledge. What a bunch of clowns. 2-2 United, Falcao hat-trick (this works because he scored one yesterday)

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  Brett (@ackTheBlock)

Why are those clowns overusing the word clown? Clowns. I ate a clown once: It tasted like human flesh and cheap make up. And I got lots of handkerchiefs caught in my teeth.

If Jonjo Shelving can get the time off from Ikea, and Batteredfemdon Goodmess can carry on batting above his Championship weight, then Vangle’s boys might not win by lots, just by some.

Imagine if you could literally win by lots and didn’t have to bother with all the play and drama and goals and carry on. Heaven.

Prediction: Danny with his Colonel Custer impression. Caperroo to continue his rich vein of BAHAHAHA. 0-0.

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know much about replays (nobody does) but I really don’t want to sit through that drab 0-0 again (nobody does), so why BT Sport are showing the game again, nobody does.  It would make more sense (the cup’s format, not that previous sentence) for the two teams involved to play a completely new game as a way of deciding who goes through to the next round of the FA Cup to get knocked out by Norwich.  They could call this sort of game: “A Way Of Deciding Who Goes Through To The Next Round Of The FA Cup To Get Knocked Out By Norwich Brought To You By Ladbrokes And PG Tips And Lambrini And Milk”.  They could also put the game on telly.  People like telly.

Prediction:  If this is a completely new game, United will not make the same mistake twice that they’ve already done five or six times this season.  What this mistake is, nobody knows, but it’s cost Vangle points, ergo: it’s cost him prizes as well.  This has left Mrs Vangle still longing for a new Sodastream.  To ensure that Mrs V has an endless supply of drinks that stay fizzy for no more than forty seconds, United will pull out all the stops to get a comfortable win.  Fletcher will marshall the midfield alongside the rejuvenated Anderson leaving Rooney to play in his preferred role in attack.  He will gel seamlessly with Robin and they will score two goals each whilst the back four shut out the Cambridge attack with an effortless display.  1-0 Cambridge.

In the spotlight this week is Michael Carrick: He loves Stephen Fry novels, draught excluding and he never misses an episode of That 7o’s Show:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Was just gonna copy and paste what I wrote last time but turns out it was just a brief tirade about friday night football. This week, I will be mostly complaining about the pronunciation of ‘Cambridge': What’s the river called? The River Cam. So its Cam-bridge, not Camebridge. And these people are supposed to be our best and brightest. Idiots.

This is where a lazy writer would make a joke about the EuroMillions and it being the wrong day.

Prediction:  More goals than man, twisted and evil. FT: 12-12, United – the red ones – to go through on goodwill and camaraderie. 

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Kags, Chich, Danny, Apollo, Fletch, Mickey, Adrian, and now with Andesron leaving, that’s the last time we’ll see the Crazy Gang down Arnold’s. Apparently, even though Fletch claimed Chich and Kags hated each other, the fall out came years after; and that kiss was genuine. I’m just going to reflect on this paragraph before I continue.  .eunitnoc I erofeb hpargarap siht no tcelfer ot gniog tsuj m’I .eniuneg saw ssik taht dna after; sraey emac tuo llaf eht ,rehto hcae detah sgaK dna hcihC demialc hctelF hguoht neve ,yltnerappA .s’dlonrA nwod gnaG yzarC eht ees ll’ew emit tsal eht s’taht ,gnivael norsednA htiw won dna ,nairdA ,yekciM ,hctelF ,ollopA ,ynnaD ,hcihC ,sgaK

BOOM! And not only is that a brilliant joke about “reflecting”, it works wonders for my word count. Though, having said that, as they’re not actually words, not sure they actually count in the word count? I suppose it doesn’t matter too much because this paragraph has done just about the same job. Just need one more word. There.

Vangle needs to rethink everything apart from his hair imo. I know that’s at least 27 things after the last time I made a list of everything; so he’s got his work cut out. And he cuts his work out using Dutch Hallmark phrases poorly translated through Google Translate shaped into the concept of left handed safety scissors … but het is een marathon geen sprint.

Cambridge boss Cash Money said beating us tonight would be like winning the EuroMillions, but he’s made a classic error there in appropriating the joke with the wrong day. When we played them on a Friday that would have worked much better cos that’s when the EuroMillions draw actually takes place, so there’s an obvious etc…

Prediction: Tom to not have a clue how to use the simple copy and paste function, but make up some excuse about not wanting to. 4-1 United. The good one! No, the other one.

Benno (@Benglorious):

“Lololololo Radamel Falcao!”

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that tens of thousands of people laughing at their club’s latest signing can’t be good for the player in question’s confidence.  This showed last Sunday as the poor bloke started his United career with zero goals.  Seeing as this is what he was hired for, his new employers can’t have been that impressed.  Imagine a milkman on his first ever round failing to deliver any milk and you can maybe understand the gravity of the situation.  As supporters of the club, we should be getting behind our players and singing them songs of encouragement to help them perform better and to let them know that they have our loyalty and respect.  I know for a fact that Dave the milkman appreciated my efforts every morning right up until the court case.

That’s enough preaching for now as I’m only paid to write about the kicking and running part of the sport.  Lester is our opponent this weekend.  I’m assuming he’s got a big garden and at least ten mates or it’s going to be a bit of a wasted journey.  All I know about this Lester chap is that he likes foxes, crisps and Gary Lineker so he must be a sound bloke.

Prediction:  With a squad that includes Emile Heskey, Muzzy Izzet and Willy Thorne, Leicester will be no pushovers.  That being said, Di María will continue his already dazzling start in a United shirt by delivering two erection-inducing assists for Falcao to slot home just before half-time.  After the break, Mata will banana a free-kick of such perfection into the top corner that the referee will have no choice but to award two goals.  Leicester will become dispirited at this blatant disregard for the laws of the beautiful game, and this will leave them wide open for Herrera and Rooney to bag a cheeky goal each and finish the game off nicely.  1-0 Leicester.

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Brett:

Your going two half too bear width me, has Aimar lidl bit Russ tea, have in knot dunne this four sew long…

While hive bean a whey, hive bean biz he perfecting a real Lee a maze sink sand wedge analogy, in clue ding  sand wedge real hated fillings, bread, hand sew on hahn sew fourth – hit’s real he fun knee, heaven if eye do say sew mice elf, Butt Best key pit two mice elf has ewe well hone Lee one two steel hit hand go hair hound saying “hay list hen two this sand wedge analogy eye may dap. Doh nut list hen two Brett he dead knot may kit hoop, eye did” hand the hat sore tough thing. Hand hit goose width owts hay ink, hob via sleigh, eye have bean key ping hoop two date width hall the eggs siting trans fur hack tea VT.

Their the hat wasn’t sew bad. I donught no watt I was war read a bout. Stihl god it.

Prediction: Danny with is custom marry to. Pat Rice Evra two do watt head us best. RE O hand Vid Ditch two Ruel the deafens. Shin Gee Kag Aware two prove hide haul the ham you niche hen. Hand Cheek car heet hoe toes core juan fran the sub stitch chute bench. 1-0 Linekster. Like Bob’s use you all joke butt mush bet tuh!

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Worst. European. Game. Ever

Cowardly tactics, betraying the United tradition.

Stone-Age formation.

£300K a week for Rooney? Disgraceful gamesmanship.

Not that warm.

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Ben (Benglorious):

Best. European. Game. Ever!!!

The tactics were spot on, befitting our underdog status and getting us a tidy result.

Moyes’ formation choice was excellent, forcing the Germans out wide to be comfortably dealt with by Büttner and Jones.

Rooney was immense!! I’d pay him £300k A DAY purely for getting that plain-faced obersturmführer sent off.

It may have been a bit chilly at Old Trafford, but you could feel the heeeeeaaaTTTT from the atmosphere, even from home.

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Brett:

Like no one ever says: the best form of defence is defence. The site of Phil Jones chucking himself about like a child on the back fields was a beautiful thing. Even Buttner didn’t do too good, which is a massive improvement from him. Vidic was almost Vidic-y, and scored a quite magnificent Chicha. And we all know about Dave and his ability to rhyme with what he does bestest. Well. Done. All.* *Let’s pretend Rio didn’t play.

As for the rest of ‘em: they all played their part. Defending from the front, wing, Bayern’s area, and the bench. Still expect more from Rooney in these games, but maybe I should remember that I’d decided to start expecting less, so I could be happier with him. Fellaini didn’t do too good, which for him is a massive improvement.

Interestingly, as in not interesting at all, but you’re reading this, so I’m guessing by now you’re used to that on here: I was speaking to someone who loves Shinji Kagawa to bits, and yet hates Danny to smithereens. Imagine that. What a messed up individual. That’s like loving love, yet hating … no, that doesn’t work. Tis an oxymoron.

We are more powerful than they can possibly imagine … occasionally.

About the author: Someone asked me if my prediction in the last game was a true story … I enjoyed a very cordial conversation with everyone in my local, amongst friends, as I always do.

Liverpool Rob:

Usually I steer well clear of Brett’s advances around this peculiarity in the football calendar. If he gets hold of me he asks me out on a date to watch the match, because, well, we’re friends and it doesn’t matter who wins (or loses). This year I’m happy to put that theory to the test. I’ll let mum know she may need to buy a new hat.

 Now to the prediction: I usually go with the ref to be Howard Webb and a good controversial decision in favour of the hosts. Game over. However he has already doled out his quota of bad decisions against us for this season. He also has to make a few more headlines to ensure he’s on the bus to Brazil… hence I’m looking at a very red day at Old Trafford. I believe, and you can bet your house on this if you like, that Rooney will be sent off for tattooing a postage stamp onto Skrtel’s forehead, RVP for swinging an elbow album into Toure, De Gea for speaking Pigeon to everyone’s English hero, Putin for a pitch invasion when he sees everyone Russian around, Moyes for not declaring to the I.R. having a twin brother who is also his chauffeur (thanks Brett for that info), Hernandez will be sent on to climb the PeaStalk to rescue the treasure from the sleeping giant… which has just awoken and will happily let the Little Pea take as many trinkets as he likes; it won’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Prediction: Man U to record 57% possession.

P.S. I hope Mr Webb is in charge of the match or the above won’t happen, obvs.

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Ben (Benglorious):

One of the oldest rivalries in English football is being hosted at Old Trafford this Sunday.  Liverpool visit the Theatre of Dreams on a nine Premier League game unbeaten run, which has seen them demolish Arsenal, snatch an injury-time victory in a five goal thriller at Fulham and clinically dispatch Southampton in their last league run-out.  They’re winning matches the way you’re supposed to – by scoring more than their opponents – despite the best efforts of their defenders attempting to give the other team a chance.  They may have only kept two clean sheets in those nine matches, but they’ve banged in a quite ridiculous twenty-nine goals to bring them to second in the table; a mere seven points behind leaders Chelsea, but with a game in hand.

With Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suárez spearheading arguably the strongest attack in the whole of the Premier League, United have plenty to fear today.  Our defensive frailties are there for all to see:  Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra have both lost that mythical yard of pace; Captain Nemanja Vidić will have his next club, Inter Milan, on his mind; Chris Smalling and Phil Jones haven’t found their best positions yet; Jonny Evans is out injured and Rafael, fan favourite though he may be, can be be a liability in hot-blooded games like today’s event.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY WROTE LIKE THAT FOR EVERY GAME?!?  No, thank you.  If you want serious (read: “boring”) matchday previews, then you’ve come to the wrong place.  Anyone with half a football brain can write stuff like the above: generic, stating the obvious tat, with a few pointless statistics thrown in to make it look like the writer is the Football Knowledge King, Soccerbrain Palace, Statistician Drive, Hipsterton, Football Knowledge Kingdom, HP1 1KK.

“Proper” football writers are ten pennies a dime on the internet, and pretty much regurgitate the same gibberish as the next guy.  Or the previous one.  Or the one writing concurrently to them.  I don’t know.  I’m all about the jokes.  Jooooooooookes.  My colleagues Tom and erm, Mr Bifocal are “writers” in the same vein: we’re the mainline injection of zany crack to Martin Samuel’s hand-warming Lemsip.  Now THAT’S a metaphor.

[That’s not to say that there aren’t some wonderful football writers out there.  If you don’t already, you should definitely check out some of my friends people I’ve met through annoyed on Twitter, particularly Paul Ansorge (@UtdRantcast, 14000+ followers), Paul Gunning (@PaulGunning1, 1500+ followers, most of them bought) and Ivan Evan Ewan Iwan Lehnert (@IwanLehnert, 400+ followers.  Seriously?  That few?  That’s a bigger injustice than the recent Cantona framejob).  Not only are all three terrific writers about all things United, they probably also get paid by the thoroughly respectable websites they wordsling for.  If I had to rank them:  Snog Iwan, marry Paul and avoid Gunning.  He’s the worst.]

Prediction:  Yet more hope and optimism from me this week, particularly in light of our excellent 3-0 defeat of the mighty West Bromwich Albion Football Club last Sunday.  Robin will have calmed down after last week’s shenanigans and put in a season-best performance; Wayne will use all his Everton/United hatred of Liverpool to put in a season-best performance; Shinji will come off the bench to put in a season-best performance and Dave will put in such a season-best performance that Liverpool’s S.A.S. (Pah! As if!) will both leave the pitch crying, begging for their mums.  1-0 Liverpool.

About the author:  Most of my jokes are* funny.

*You thought I was going to put “aren’t”, didn’t you?  Classic misdirection gag.  Told you I was funny.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Earlier this season – when it was still kinda funny – I suggested that we were entering the Prequel Trilogy of the Star Wars Universe. We all laughed (that’s the royal ‘we’ obvs) and then got on with our lives. Several months on, that light-hearted and off-the-cuff remark has borne an evil fruit. Certainly not the 5-Star healthy fruit we at UETFA use for all our currently non-sponsored competitons; I know you’re reading Nike – this is your chance to get on at the ground floor. World Cup year. If you don’t, Sky will.

Anyway….the tenuous Star Wars analogy I’m persisting with because it’s easier than accepting reality: If Fergie retiring was Chancellor Valorum’s ignoble dismissal, then Moyes arrival is clearly the equivalent of Palpatine’s rise to Chancellor – first game of the season? Nothing’s changed, people are happy, no-one’s aware of the insidious plot (Although I maintain in the film this was stupid because Return of The Jedi has been out for years….), everyone’s slightly nervous but hey, we’ll be fine. Luckily, we can completely ignore Attack of the Clones because a) why wouldn’t you? and b) I don’t think even I could relate the clone wars to United’s season. Moving on to Revenge, this is where it could go either way – either Moyes/Palpatine’s attempt at using his latest apprentice Darth Vader/Rooney – the great white hope who fell from grace to become a soulless jerkoff – will succeed and our brave Jedi Council (RVP/Adnan as Yoda/Obi-Wan respectively) will flee for their lives a la the movie OR Wayne will restore balance to the force and Moyes won’t have to be thrown down a massive shaft. Given Wayne’s new contract, this seems unlikely – he’s more money than man now, fat and evil. On the plus side – for me – this does mean I get to carry this nonsense on into next season with A New Hope. Unlucky losers.

Probably should mention the game. Because of the way I look at the world ie As I wish it to be, I’m going for a 5-0 to United, De Gea making a string of saves so brilliant, Arsenal erect a statue to him straight away. And lastly, when Ben thinks he’s talking to his mum? All me.

Prediction: 7.14pm Achacha Fruit.

Brett:

When I first set up Bifurcated – three years ago – I would sometimes allow myself to dream of this day: when following on from some really enjoyable, varied and entertaining opinions from both sets of fans I would*chokes*

Who was it who said Bayer Leverkusen’s great strength was in that they were very good at being passive? I’ll ruddy tell you … someone who obviously thinks they are above having a football mouth. That’s who. Have you ever heard the like of it?! I’d just skip this bit if I were you. Damn, I was supposed to put that sentence, about skipping this, at the start. Soz.

Danny’s back. And with Robin still out (I think), could start – which would be relative to my interests. More than anything I’ve missed his thrusting. Not like that.

There’s a lot of talk of Moyes not going out for the win tonight, but, I think, his approach to the Champions’ League thus far – without sending shockwaves, or even ripples across Europe – has been relatively positive, and I expect that to continue, albeit mildly.

I’m fed up of saying how with Carrick being out, other midfield players have an opportunity, so I’m not going to. That doesn’t count.

Leverkusen are second in the Bundesliga, which I’ve heard is a good thing. Let’s hope they pretend to be really terrible, like they did at Old Trafford. More Sami Hyypia, less Sami Hapyyier.

Sometimes when you think a game will be one way, it’s another. Whatever that means.

Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two. And Danny with an extra one. Fancy Giggsy to score too. And Chicha. How many’s that? (I actually think this will be a 2-2 draw, but will never predict anything but a win.)

The Human League obviously foresaw Danny’s prolonged absence, when they penned their hit Tell Me When Will I See Danny Welbeck Again (You have to play it backwards, whilst walking counter-clockwise round a tree, in a church yard). I miss him. The good news is he’s so close to being back, I can smell him (Parma Violets).

Having not seen or heard anything from David Moyes’ presser (fancy talk), I can only presume we haven’t signed mid-noughties Gattuso and so are sticking Fellaini in, what with Jones and Carrick out and all. He’s not looked as terrible as some would have you believe, and – as I’ve said a couple of times – I’d still like to see Moyes play him in an actual proper defensive midfield role … like Fellaini himself says is his favourite posish.

Cardiff are good at home and have already shown that against them lot and that other them lot, so will be a good test of how far we’ve come, and of how much momentum the international break has twocked from us. Malky Mackay has got a lot to deal with, and we should be thankful for small-mercies – like not being Cardiff.

Nice to have the Premier League back in’tit.

Prediction: 2-3 Danny with his customary two. Chicha with a Chicha style rescue thing.

Okay, no ‘Real Dad’ references this time. That doesn’t count. This is very, very, very serious…

A bit of momentum is a wonderful thing, as we can testify being United fans and all. I’m fairly sure though that not even Moyes himself buys the party-line he’s been peddling, of us ‘being notorious slow starters, regardless of who’s in charge’ … but that’s not to give him credit for finally having found a footing; and in no small part down to him having given Adnan his chance. As much as I’ve been – although with tongue-firmly-in-cheek –  doing my Plan A(dnan) joke (‘joke’ in the loosest sense of the word, as ever),  I do think his introduction to the first team has been pretty good manageringness on Moyes’ part. Having dedicated so much of this to Adnan, I think Moyes would be wise to rest him tonight, obvs.

We’ve got a few injuries coming into this week and so Moyes’ manageringness will be very much tested – possibly more than in previous weeks?! I’m sure he’ll be keen to continue the Champions’ League form through, but at what cost? with the Arsenal game on Sunday. I expect we’ll be playing for a 0-0 with emphasis on our own 0.

So, a packed, compact midfield, with Kags (more as a false 4) in behind Chicha? Smalling, Jones, and Vidic across the back and Fellaini so deep, he’ll be rubbing shoulders with the fans behind the goal. Very little else to get excited about … apart from the Kags and Chicha bit.

Prediction: 0-1. Danny with his customary two. Kags with a jazzer, to give Moyes a reminder of what people keep telling him he can do. Would actually go 0-0, but will never allow myself to predict anything but a win.

It’s nice that when I have nothing to say, I happen to follow people on twitter who say it best.

Daniel Harris: Adnan Januzaj plays football like a man made of velvet.

Paul off of the Rantcast: WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE (cup) WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE (cup) AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US

p.s Really enjoying Chich getting some minutes and goals and that.

ME: *If you wanna text me  scores while I’m away, that woud be nice bX*

BD: *Okay, if you’re sure*

LR: *I wouldn’t be so cruel*

ME **silence**

LR: *They’re starting the match with a algorithmic handicap taking into account current and past league position, combined squad numbers and one of those 8 ball prediction thingys. Goals are worth .98, so the current poitnage is 36.4 to 37.7 recurring.*

LR: *700000054 to 13 on corners*

LR: *The numbers are getting silly and we had to add the ref to your total of course, so perhaps it’s best if you make your own score up for this half*

ME: *Feel like I’m there*

BD: *0-0 HT*

LR: *You have a goal*

ME: *Yessssssssssssssssssssssss. Unless you’re doing a joke. p.s I don’t geddit.*

LR: *Finishes that way, great game from both teams*

BD: *1-0 FT Hernandez! Typical little P goal. Very good game – Liverpool played very well but so did we. Thank fuck*