That’s right … Mushrooms and Skin Cream. Mushrooms and Skin Cream.

Here’s 5 things we learned (we actually learned 6 things but Brett’s 6th thing was diss on the NHS, so, he is a “bad” “guy”):

1. Winning is definitely better than losing.

2. Ladies and gentleman we have ourselves a left back*

3. *results based on low-calorie diet.

4. Sanchez is the new Depay/Di Maria/the guy we swopped for Sanchez.

5. I liked it right near the end when Bailly wanted to boot the ball away in frustration but visibly choked it down amazing self-control imho.

In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as “apparently” one like on Twitter from yourself doesn’t count as a monetary pledge with the bankerers.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. They may have cheated, but what they accomplished is incredible.

2. Saying that, PSG shouldn’t have been so complacent.

3. Phil Jones has no business in sport.

4. Those Fellaini numbers eased the pain.

5. Lol @ Di Maria the rat-faced fuck.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

LADS LADS LADS IT’S CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

qualifiers

I went to Brugge once.  I didn’t.  I saw In Bruges (2008) once.  Are they the same place?  I guess we’ll never know.  All we do know is that Brugge is an anagram of ‘bugger’ and In Bruges is an anagram of ‘Colin Farrell is a nob’.

Opposition Summary:  Club Brugge Koninklijke Voetbalvereniging, also referred to as just Club Brugge, is a football club based in Bruges in Belgium. It was founded in 1891 and its home ground is the Jan Breydel Stadium, which has a capacity of 29,472.Wikipedia

1. Arena/Stadium: Jan Breydel Stadium
2. Location: Bruges
3. League: Belgian Pro League
4. Manager: Michel Preud’homme
5. Founded: November 13, 1891, Bruges, Belgium
6. Chairman: Bart Verhaeghe

Prediction:  Double pivots aplenty as Vangle looks to ensure United’s progression in the Champions League.  Expect lots of Falcao references and look out for the Di Maria Easter Eggs!!  0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I went to Bruges once. And I’ve seen In Bruges twice (once by choice, once when it was just on and even though you’ve got the DVD you just watch it anyway because the alternative is like Rogue Traders and the bloke who presents it makes you want to kill). To be honest, if you’ve seen the film you don’t really need to bother.

I would’ve guessed at 1892 anyway.

Prediction: Rooney actually eats Shaw as his body mass threatens to usurp his position as Captain Pies. This counts as 3 goals or doesn’t. 4-0 United.

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  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

Who is this? Nasri for Rooney Disappointed with no Di Maria (again!) Falcao is like that tin of etc Other tired jokes we do a lot (three, I think)

Brett definitely wrote this.

Prediction: Manned space travel to Jupiter by 2022. 2-0 United, Di Maria brace.

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely. 

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Something about football, lazy joke, Optimus Prime reference, obscure Mos Eisley reference, peas and carrots peas and carrots

My preview (if poss, no computer here innit)

Lemon Cristal *****

Moonshine *****

Tangerine Dream ***

Super Polm ****

Lemon Haze Iso *****

Weed reviews go first, stupid data package f*cking it up in the running order don’t add this bit you chinless goon

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Benno (@Benglorious)

Today is the biggest game in the Premiership League involving two teams that both have ‘Manchester’ as part of their name.  United are the ones who play in the bright brown shirts and there is also the other team.  Both of them have lots of money but one team has more of a certain type of money but they can’t spend that certain type of money because there’s rules about spending too much of that certain type of money because other teams don’t have as much of that certain type of money to spend as much of.  It’s all very clear-cut.

Prediction:  Vangle must be quietly confident going into today’s derby, especially coming off the back of so many wins that I’ve lost count.  Three, I think.  City have lost something like fourteen games in a row so Pellegrini must be feeling the opposite – loudly fearful.  His players will pick up on these concerns as they are shouted to them on the pitch amidst racking sobs.  Whilst they’re distracted by this, United will take advantage and strike.  A goal for Roondog after the first mistake from Hart in his entire career will be swiftly followed by yet another Herrera goal.  City try and rally for the second half, but the referee has no choice but to book the entire squad for illegal use of cars.  In the ensuing chaos, Di Maria will knock in the third goal after a mesmerising dribble/dummy/feint/shimmy/lollipop/castanet/blancmange combo.  1-0 Manchester City.

WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

Juan Sebastián Verón

Pooping.

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Brett (@StillInPrisonAwaitingAVisitFromTheTwoWhoGrassedMeUp)

We still have no idea where Brett is.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s been a strange week at Bifurcated Towers.  Lots have questions have been raised after we’ve had to deal with the fallout from that tweet from the last game in Preston: Is there a Quality Street in Wales?  Is there any way to find out?  Why do radiators and sinks need earthing?  If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?  Aren’t all gifts “free”?  Why don’t we ever make any money?  I guess we’ll never know the answer to any of these questions.

Swansea are hosting United today.  If we don’t lose to them, we’ll have only lost one game in the last four hundred and will only be one hundred and sixteen points behind the leaders of the Premiership League, Chelsea.  All to play for, I think you’ll agree.

Dangermen in the Swansea team to look out for are Michu, who is worth the equivalent of one Michu; Garry Monk, the inventor of rhyming slang, and; Catherine Zeta Jones.

Prediction:  Vangle will stop messing around this week.  Four at the back with a midfield sapphire and one strikeman up front on his own for the whole match but with another strikeman playing alongside him at all times.  The starting eleven will make very interesting reading, and will, in this humble previewer’s humble opinion, consist of the exact following players:

• De Gea or Valdes
• Rafael or Valencia
• Jones and/or Evans and/or McNair and/or Smalling
• Rojo and/or Shaw and/or Young
• Di Maria and/or Herrera and/or Fellaini and/or Mata and/or Blind and/or Januzaj
• Falcao and/or RvP and/or Wilson
• Rooney

This combination will prove too much for the brave Swans who will suffer the biggest home defeat in their entire history.  1-0 Swansea.

Young Patrick was only too happy to talk to me as I pulled the staples out of his head one sunny afternoon.  His favourite things include cream cakes, seismology and the collected works of Charlaine Harris:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Completely done nothing – Benno, please just put MIA (black ops Da Nang) ta babes xx

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Exactly how many games are there in a season anyway? It’s pretty shoddy that no-one’s keeping a record imo. It feels like all my precious time is taken up borrowing your* jokes to write one of these. Where’s my me time? I’ve got things to do: sleeping till midday doesn’t do itself. Eating. I’ve got to eat.** And … put the recycling out on a Tuesday night.

*yours not theirs.

**I had a paxo stuffing sandwich last night: Pre-heat oven to 7. Add hot tap water to paxo. Pour mix into whatever you can find that can go in the oven. After it smells like burning, remove from oven. Place between two slices of bread. Serve. Add tomato sauce to season.***

***Idea: ‘Bifurcatered’ spin off cookery series. Phil Collins, playing the part of me, goes round football fan’s houses, while they’re out watching the match, and makes sandwiches with their stuff.

In life people say you never get a second chance. Idiots. But for the point I’m making let’s say they’re right … so that’s why football is better than life; cos football has second legs and rebounds and retaken penalties and that. Imagine if you could replay that time, when you were eleven years old, and your mum dressed you up as a cheerleader at school, and you won the fancy dress competition, and then you were talking to the girl you really fancied for ages, and then you realised she didn’t realise you were actually a boy dressed up as a girl, and you were devastated. And resented your mum for the rest of your life. For example.

Replays … cheerleader… thought I was a girl … resent mum … ah yes … so this our second chance of the season to prove we are gooder than Swansea, after the delightful comic timing of a beating they gave us on Vangle’s wedding day.

Prediction: She’d still think I was a girl. 2-3 United.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I haven’t done one because I don’t work on Jesus Birthday but I’m sick of these two putting words in my mouth something something Optimus Prime something Star Wars something Nasri for Rooney. I don’t know why this is in bold band massive.

Prediction: Font changes back to…smaller….Some goals are either scored or not scored but we definitely win. Although again, this will depend on the goals scored. Let’s say 3.

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Benno (@Benglorious):

Just found out today (that’s fourteen days ago if you’re reading this in a fortnight) that there’s no rest for the wicked (“wicked” as in 90’s sk8er (it’s a cool way of saying “skater” but you use the figure “8” instead of the “ate” sound in “skater”) slang for “good” and not the normal evil meaning) over the festive period, and so United have to play Boxing Day.  They’ll actually be playing football and not boxing each other despite the day’s misleading name.  Boxing Day actually has nothing to do with sport of any kind, but is named after the Chinese (see how easy that was to say, Mr Whelan?) legend Bo Xing who invented turkey curry and charades.

Newcastle are the visitors today.  You’ll know them by the black and white shirts they’ll be wearing and also because they’re the team that aren’t United.  Well, they technically ARE a United, but seeing as this is a Manchester United website (is that right?) all references to United should be taken as read in reference to United.  Manchester United and not Newcastle, who are also a United but aren’t Manchester United.  They’re Newcastle United.  They are NOT Manchester United.

Players to watch out for are Gabriel Obertan, Shaka Hislop and Tony Blair.

Prediction: After last week’s trouncing of Villa, Vangle will be looking to hit the thousand mark with his unbeaten streak.  Newcastle, after a recent poor run of games, will be very cagey to start with and United will find them difficult to break down.  A soft penalty decision, with the kick converted easily by Robin, will be the only difference between the two teams at halftime.  Pardew will change his tactics for the second half, and this will give Falcao the freedom he needs up front to bag his first brace in a United shirt: the first, a scorching left-footed half-volley into the top corner from thirty yards out; and the second, a deft back-heeled flick in off the post from fifty-five yards out.  Newcastle will then be distracted by a horse punching a fan, and Shaw will score his first ever United goal to complete the rout.  1-0 Newcastle.

United’s newest Hollandman, Daley Blind, lists his likes as falconry, Northumberland and collecting thimbles:

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

Aahhh, the trad Boxing Day game (‘trad’ is a cool way of saying ‘traditional’, it’s kind of shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period). I’m not sure what’s so traditional about it, I’m guessing players from The Premier League swap turkey sandwiches and are allowed to play in their xmas (‘xmas’ is a cool way of saying ‘Christmas’, it’s shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period) cracker party hats as long as they don’t clash with the referee’s xmas cracker party hats, or the other teams. In the stead (‘in the stead’ is a cool way of saying ‘instead of’ it’s kind of longhand; it’s just for those occasions where you’ve saved a bit of time, when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one, by using shorthand already, and you realise you’ve now got a bit more time over the busy festive period) of the trad handshake at the start of the game, players exchange unwanted gifts or credit notes for John Lewis and Marks and Sparks.

Newcastle United come into their own after Christmas, during the sales. That’s funny cos bar codes.

It’s panto season (‘trousoro series’ for our English readers), and with STABLE David the Savids in between the onion bagginets – HE’S BEHIND YOU! – King Louis delivering the GOLD, FRANKINSYSTEMS and MURDER (Mata for our Spanish readers) and ANGEL di Maria in a STARRING role and Robin Van Shepherdspie always GETTING ON TO A CROSS, we’re, undoubtably, indubitably, undoubtedly, going to put in a MERRY strong performance, without a doubt. OH YES WE ARE!

If we were HOME ALONE, this would be a 3-0 walkover. That’s funny cos Christmas films.

Prediction: OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE ARE. OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE Aetc

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Having received a record number of complaints last week (Paul, Paul’s Dad) about how the previews have “lost their way”, this week will be a comprehensive analysis of both Southampton and United’s seasons so far. It won’t, obviously, but since only Paul (and Paul’s Dad) are still reading at this point, at least it looks like I tried.

Anyway… Southampton away. Established as a club on the 21st November 1885 by Roger Moore ( ‘The Saints’  nickname being a reference to the role he immortalised and Kilmer ruined. If you’re interested in further Kilmer work, try ‘Willow’ – literally his only decent performance), the most exciting moment of their entire history was the Kilmer fallout – and I think we all remember the kerfuffle he caused and the media storm that surrounded the club around the 1997 reboot. However, having sold all their “best” players to Liverpool, and recruiting the services of some Dutch fella that no-one really cares about because we got the best one, the plucky Saints have been riding a wave of optimism that has seen them reach the dizzying heights of somewhere above us. I’ve just checked; it’s one place and one point. To be honest, I thought it was more than that and now can’t really see the point of my extensive Saints research. Obligatory Titanic joke, yadda yadda yadda etc.

As for United, who knows? The collective giddiness about us at the moment is neither deserved nor accurate but who cares? We’re doing better than we were and winning games by not losing them so I’m relatively content. Not as content as if I had just got syndication of my TV gameshow idea – ‘Gold Case': a bevy of 15 beautiful models all have to hold a briefcase aloft but only one case has 5 gold bars in it – if the contestant guesses right, they win the gold. There’s a few kinks to be ironed out but come 2015 most of you will be working for me – you’ll find I am a kind and benevolent dicta…boss and you will be well rewarded and allowed to sleep every third night. I feel I’ve gone off point….

Prediction: Resounding United victory as Falcao not only starts ahead of the game – giving us a key advantage to be honest; we’ll be 1-0 up before they even begin – but will carry on playing for half an hour after the game, in effect giving us a 2 goal cushion. Other goals will come from Herrera and Mata using the medium of football to treat the crowd to their version of Tosca and Shaw breaking hearts by scoring a screamer WHILST NOT EVEN PLAYING. I tell you, it’s gonna be epic. Like the opposite of Transformers 4. Why do I always bang on about Transformers? Why wouldn’t I? Have you *seen* Unicron? I wish Optimus Prime was real. 4-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

Having never received a complaint about how my previews have lost their way, or even a compliment about how my words are a breath of fresh air in the not fresh air-filled air world of previews, I’m inclined to think that someone is intercepting my mail.  That, or Tom is being funny.  (Note to self: speak to the head honcho at Post Office- David Letterman?)

Ronald Koeman

Southampton is just down and across from Easthampton on a map of England probably.  I do know for an absolute stone cold fact that the mayor of Southampton is Matthew Le Tissier.  Or maybe he’s the king.  I never said I knew any facts.  According to a source close to the club who wants to remain nameless, “the Saints are third in the Premier League after a tremendous start to the season”.  This ITK source goes on to state that “even though the core of the team moved up into the wildlands above Northampton to pay fealty to Steven Gerrard, Big Blond Ron has rallied the remaining troops into the surprise package you see today.  Can I have my ten pounds now, please?”

United are currently only a point behind Southampton, so a win would give them three points which would then possibly move them above their opponents by, I want to say, two points?  However, this game is what’s known in football legend as a “six-pointer”, so a win for Vangle’s boys would put them….. start on minus one…. erm…. no, take off the one at the end….  NO, take off the one from the, what was it?…. Take the one off the six and you get five.  Five what?  Anyway, nobody knows what will happen if United take all six points off Southampton…. Wait…. Do they lose six points and give them to United?  Let’s hope it’s a draw.

Players to watch out for in the striped shirts today are Jim Magilton, Andy Townsend and Craig David.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne strapping the captain’s armband on again after another little rest.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little rest to score the second goal.  Koeman will crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further crush his countryman by bringing on Radamel to bag a quick brace, leaving the game beyond all doubt.  1-0 Southampton.

This week, I shall be mostly acrostising Mr Juan Mata.  He loves turtleneck jumpers, Silver Birches and Croydon.  He dislikes entropy.

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 Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

According to Tom we’re playing “Southampton” or “The Saints”, and yet Benno seems to be under the impression we’re playing “The Saints” or “Southampton”, and so I thought it best I double checked with the Dad Bible (the BBC World Service); according to them neither Tom nor Benno have a clue what they’re talking about, which I find astonishing – we’re actually playing “Soton”. I was hoping Tom and/or Benno might be right, cos an in-depth quick scan of the pictures on Wikinizzle reveals most of “The Saints” are dead and that “Southampton” (according to its tourist board) “… guarantees an enjoyable experience for everyone, of all ages and interests.. ” which frankly is spreading itself too thin; they need to prioritise a few attractions and relevant demographics, focus resources on those and push them hard.  A city with such a short-sighted catchall approach to its identity is destined to fail.

It’s now tempting to do a joke about “The Saint” – improving on the above version of Tom’s a little BUT REPEATING JOKES FROM ONE ANOTHER AND IMPROVING ON THEM IS REALLY BAD MANNERS ISN’T IT BENNO NOT MENTIONING THE JOKE ABOUT POINTS AND “SIX POINTERS” YOU DID ABOVE LIKE THE ONE I DID JUST LAST WEEK BUT NOT AS GOOD AS YOU DID IN THE ONE ABOVE WHICH IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!

It’s been over 192 hours since we last scored a goal, so Vangle should definitely change a few things around. On the plus side: it’s been over 192 hours since we last conceeded a goal, so Vangle should definitely stick with the same side. Hamez Wilson will probably get the nod over Falcao (or Sting, as he’s now known amongst the me, after Vangle revealed he can last up to 20 minutes) and share goalscoring duty with Robin Van Personallyinterested.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne Swooney strapping the captain’s armband on his bulging biceps again after another little resty.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, fitting soap dispensers in showers, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little resty to score the second goal by kicking the ball against his own corner flag.  Koeman will make a crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further develop a crush on his countryman by bringing off Radamel (even though he wasn’t even on) to bag a quick brace (retainer), leaving the game beyond No Doubt.  1-0 Gwen Stefani.

*Note to self: check what ‘the nod’ means.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’ve actually been to Stamford Bridge a few times, and a couple of those were even to watch that football thing that so many people know and love.  I’ve seen Eric get booked for scoring an outrageous lob on Boxing Day and I’ve also seen Rooney miss a penalty in the League Cup, but that one was for Everton so nobody cares.  Now that I think about it, United have a 100% record (P-1 W-1 D-0 L-0 GF-3 GA-2 Pts-3) away at Chelsea when I’m at the match so things bode very well for the next encounter.

[Phone rings: YO!……  Sorry, Mum, it’s my new answering thing.  Cool, innit?……  It means “isn’t it” but it’s shorter…… Yeah, I suppose it is already shortened.  Never really thought about it befo…  Anyway, stop distracting me with grammar stuff.  What do you want?……  Sorry, Mum; what can I do for you today, my wonderful and beautiful sire?……  I’m not taking the piss……  Well I’m sorry you feel like that, but I’m not…….  FFS…… Yeah, I know you know what that means……  Why?  Because it’s quicker to type and Brettney doesn’t allow swear words on here……  Yes, Mother, I know what “meta” means; that’s the joke……  Well, you think Mrs Brown’s Boys is funny so I’m not taking advice on comedy from you.  Good day, madam……  I SAID “GOOD DAY”.]

Turns out United are at home, and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t be going as I’m barred from Fulham due to a pending libel case involving Al Fayed over a previous preview from before in the past.  Chelsea players to watch out for are Kerry Dixon, Adrian Mutu and John Terry’s dad.  Wink, wink, sniff.  Allegedly.

Prediction:  After masterminding a resounding victory against the Baggies last week, Vangle will be looking to keep the momentum going.  His team will not disappoint.  Medium Angel will get his first goal-setting-up pass of the season that isn’t a scuffed shot, when his delightful dinked through-ball is thwacked into the roof of the net by Medium Robin.  Medium Juan will pull himself out of his recent funk by doing one of those boner kicks that have been on the Twitter all week, leaving the Chelsea keeper gaping open-mouthed as the ball sails over his head into top bangs.  Medium Marcos will have Diego Costa so deep in his pocket during the match that the Spanish striker will be choking on lint and five pence pieces for ninety minutes.  Medium Janners Aye will finish up the scoring with ten minutes to go with a towering diving header, also into top bangs.  1-0 Chelsea.

This week’s recipient of the acrostic-love is Rafael Pereira da Silva, more commonly know as Rafael.  This is lucky for me as that surname is far too long for someone of my limited vocabulary.  Besides, he’s only little and there aren’t any pictures of him that are big enough to fit the acrostic in.

Rafael, 24, lists his interests as wrestling, millinery and Fabio (the model/actor).

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I was at Stamford Bridge when Chelsea got relegated. By Middlesborough. They were a lot funnier then.

Prediction: United to win 2-1 because Mourinho leaves 85 minutes early. This blatant disrespect backfires as Chelsea forget it’s a real game and spectacularly collapse due to internal strife after an incident at their weekly quiz night (Spock is only HALF Vulcan).

This should’ve been longer and had more jokes but I’m saving all the best other two for the MBMBM thing.

Ed.- You should’ve been longer and had more jokes.

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Brett:

What else can we say about Mourinho and Chelsea that hasn’t been said before? Well, for a start, thirteen minutes before every other away game, Mourinho selects members of the squad out of an oversized hat (a bit like the one that Dr. Seuss lent Robbie’s brother, Pharrell) – how they all fit in there, is anyone’s guess. Those picked are then forced to rest pickled eggs, tween their torso and toppy arm bit – in the pit of the arm if you will, if only sciencers had given this area an appropriate name – and then the players who manage to keep said pickled egg intact (after formal inspection by former, or possibly current kit man Garry Grey) for the first 45 minutes, plus stoppages, of the match, are given a free ticket for the club’s Christmas meat raffle. Those who go on to protect the pickled egg until the end of the full ninety minutes, plus stoppages, get a basket of pot-pourri, Jose has prepared and put together himself.  And how about the cocktail umbrellas the Chelsea players are instructed to put up and carry around with their opposite hand (easier for those in the squad who are amphibious) during training sessions played in heavy rain, so that Jose can serenade them with a reinterpretation of the theme tune from Jossy’s Giants, imaginatively entitled, Jose’s Giants, with Bryan Robson on keyboards. We’ll not get into the hedgehog crisp tiddlywinks champion ship they sail around Chelsea harbour. None of these things are of course true, but they are three things that have never been said about Mourinho and Chelsea before. Which was the thing I was doing.

As Leyton Orient fan Jon Bongiovi noted in his unforgettably hugely massive big hit Midnight in Chelsea based on the really real life real occasion he was kicked out of Stamford Bridge for aggressive hair: I’ve seen a lone, sloane ranger drive. And haven’t we all. Let’s hope Vangle has taken heed.

As for Manchester United: quite the conundrum. ‘Specially, what with conundrums only normally consisting of nine letters. Anyway, fingers on buzzers: start the clock…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-d

*BUZZ*

GOT IT! Ahhhh! Eat my brain on toast! All bow down to my wordsmithery … ‘Humanist Centre’! Oh, now wait, gah, not enough letters. I didn’t want to play this stupid game anyway. Okay…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

*BUZZ*

‘Decennatherium’! Bless you. Not even sure if that’s a word that exists and means an extinct genus of giraffidae (I dunno, I just copied and pasted it), and not enough letteYou’ve panned and filled for long enough now.

Doodoo-doodoo-diddlydum-dooooooooo.

Prediction: Susie Dent with her customary 7.

All together now…

Benno (@Benglorious):

It’s been such a relief having this international break and watching some superb England performances.  I’ve never understood how people can say “club before country”.  Firstly, the national team is obviously better at the football because it’s picked from the best players in the country, which makes their games far more enjoyable to watch.  Twoly, that particular opinion is high treason and this can still be punishable by death.  So next time you hear someone saying that they’d prefer their club to win matches rather than England become a dominant force on the world stage, just take a mental note of their name and/or description and pass that information on to the relevant authorities: the FA,  MI6 or the Beefeaters (the ridiculously attired crow-feeders at the Tower of London, NOT the restaurant chain).

A quick bit of “research” this morning on WBA took me to the Youtube and several boring videos of what appeared to be girls playing netball except they were bouncing the ball and there was a lot of “smack-talking” (NOT discourse about drugs, by the way).  Once I’d figured out how to correctly spell ‘WBA’ (thanks, Mum x) I found out that they’re actually a football team near Birmynum and that WBA is only a shortening of their full name, West Brom.  Amongst their loyal supporters, the “Baggies” (no, me neither) are affectionately known as ‘West Bromwich Albion Associated Football Club’ which is mostly just to annoy everyone from East Bromwich Albion Residents Association Bridge Club.  The dangermen for United to watch out for will be Cyrille Regis, Stéphane Sessègnon and Lenny Henry.

Prediction:  With Vangle having seen all his troops in World Cup-winning form over the international break, he’ll have a very easy job plotting the destruction of West Brom.  Little Angel will terrorise their midfield from the outset, laying on an early goal for Little Robin who’ll return the favour within minutes for a comfortable two goal lead.  Little Radamel will complete his adjustment to the English game by scoring from 30, 35 and 49 yards respectively.  A fourth effort of his in the second half from 63 yards is actually hit so hard it sends the crossbar spiralling out of the ground, eventually landing in the NEC’s car park whilst the poor bruised football dribbles out for a goal kick.  Little Yannis Zye will come on whilst a replacement crossbar is installed, and he will set up Little Juan for an easy tap-in after some totes amazeballs skills leave eight Baggies on their posteriors.  The last goal will come in the final five minutes when Little Radamel scores his fourth as he’s being substituted off in the traditional “score three goals, go home early” we all know and love.  1-0 WBA.

In the first of a new series, and inspired by a genius piece of Jordan Henderson fan art, I’d like to present my acrostic of Mr David De Gea, who lists among his interests: Keeping goals, eating and breathing.

I’ve done one of these for each player, so hopefully there’s not more than twelve games left in the season or I’ll have run out and you’ll have to look at pictures of my holiday or cats or something.  Probably the cats.  Bitches love cats.

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Brett:

Personally, I’d be all for boycotting this game until the east and west of Bromwich are re-unified. The migration of the intellectual elite across the border to the west, has left the easNo, NO, NO … let’s not sail the good ship soccer into the murky wafers of politix. I still laugh out loud inside when I never recall the time Titanic director, and manager of Blue, David Cameron said that he had once had a football in Leeds train station, though couldn’t remember if it was a size 5 official football or a 99p floater from the seaside, but enjoyed the football nonetheless. And I just want to hide behind my eyes, when I look back at that time Margaret Thatcher gave David Beckham the order to shoot that penalty at Argentina, even though Michael Owens had dived, creating the opportunity illegally. And who could forget the forgettable time Tony Blair played a few games for Newcastle while strumming guitar, and as a direct consequence was put on trial for Wor crimes.

Anyway, today’s visitors are us and the WBA are straight outta Coventry on the Ringway Rudge/A4053 towards Exit 8.

I’ve seen some pictures on the nets of our day out at that assault course Gordon Burns wouldn’t even waste his spit on. Whatever floats your hausboat, but if I were LVG I’d be strapping on my life jacket, cos on the horizon, sharking for work, is a very impressive manager whose re-emergence this week has sent shock waves across bird tables two doors down.

Prediction: This week’s winner with a Krypton Factor of 3: it’s Richard Bacon impersonator, from the Nether regions, Robin van Persie.

Phil Jagielka:”We were chatting before the game & one of the lads had heard a rumour Falcao had a Flamingo phobia…”

From the moment the line-up was announced it was fairly obvious what was coming next. The following ninety-odd minutes or so certainly proved to be just that; obvious (keep up).  That’s not to say I disliked what I saw; at least you know what you’re getting when those names appear and you read them to yourself, or out loud (usually in the company of someone else, but it’s not important). After putting my initial cynicism to one side, I found myself actually enjoying the bits that were enjoyable, but not enjoying the bits that weren’t. Call me old fastened, but I like what I like and I don’t like what you like.

The first half was definitely stronger than the second and I’m sure everyone involved, or not, or even slightly involved but not really and integral part, would agree with that. It was never going to be easy to maintain the tempo that was set early on: for a start there was no one taking an accurate recording of the speed, so maintaining it would have been pure guesswork. It’s not so much that there was a running out of steam, more a lack of ideas – after all there’s only so many times you can go to the same well. Well, what?

All things considered, I’d probably give Step Brothers a solid 5/10. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly played their parts adequately, sometimes better than that, and the supporting cast were as unlikeable as the plot demanded.

I didn’t watch the football. From what I saw on Match of the Day 2, it looked alright. I heard some gooder things said about our three new creative players Angela, Di, and Maria.