(@Benglorious)

I’m taking instagam pictures of my bathroom taps and fixing a water pipe on to my dog’s face.

Prediction: Irreverent reference to lots of goals with a 0-0 United punchline.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m bench pressing wacky baccy at The Plumbing Centre.

Film Review (10BC)

10 out of 10. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Names of people who don’t even play football, doing things unrelated to football with a 44-76 United punchline.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

A lot has been said of Mourihno’s tactics since the defeat to The Spurs, probably. I have formed my own opinion from watching the match highlights in the free Metro on the bus to work the day after the day before; if we score more goals than we concede then I foresee better results.

I drew a heat map to illustrate this but the bus driver didn’t appreciate my hot urine on his face, and I didn’t get the opportunity to take a picture on my phone.

Prediction: Jason Orange > Orange Orange > Alexis Sanchez. 0-0 United.

 @Benglorious)

After the weekend’s disappointing game against Liverpool in the mediocrity of a competition that is the Premier League, tonight is a welcome return to the unrivalled magnificence of the UEFA Champions League European Cup Sponsored By Gazprom. Mourinho rested a good number of his squad ahead of this match, with many of them seen playing on their Sony Playstations or kicking back with an ice-cold Heineken, Pepsi, Pepsi Max or Gatorade as their team mates played out a stalemate with their Scouse neighbours in Saturday’s early kick-off.

Benfica will be an entirely different proposition tonight, especially with the amount of goals they’ve been leaking in Europe this season. If only their defence was as reliable as the new Nissan Qashqai, available on-the-road from £19,080. As long as United don’t get complacent, they should easily take another step towards the knockout stages of this, quite frankly, incredible tournament. Just incredible.

Prediction: Win, lose or draw, the real winner, loser or drawer tonight is football, as UEFA continue to raise the bar in terms of tournament organisation. They deserve a lot of credit, which Mastercard can provide with an introductory rate of 0%* APR for 21 months* on balance transfers and purchases*. Lukaku to reluctantly take the lightsaber from Rey who ends up killing him. OR DOES SHE? Let’s find out. 0-0 United.

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sent from my Sony Xperia XZ Premium

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Arsenal/Solidarity etc.

Prediction: Benno to be the worst Ben and I deffos typed this before Brett. Fans to cry regardless of result. 0-0 United. Or Benfica.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

We conducted 3 experiments under strict laboratory conditions to see which Ben was the bestest: Benfica, or our Benno.

Experiment number 1 – Filming a dog.

Conclusion: our Ben has filmed a dog more than Benfica.

Experiment number 2 – Living near Colchester.

Conclusion: our Ben lives nearer to Colchester than Benfica.

Experiment number 3 – No other interesting things.

Conclusion: our Ben has no other interesting things, Benfica probably does.

Summary: our Ben > Benfica

It’s not very often that you find a worse Ben than ours, but here we are…

Prediction: 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Roondog is getting really good at not taking pens.

2) Vangle wears suits better than my Uncle Peter.

3) Dogs can look up.

4) If you disable the room stat on your upstairs heating circuit and operate the 2 -port valve manually, you can turn your house into a tropical paradise.

5) I need new shoes.

6) We can do 5. Oh. Shit.