*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

 a

2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

 a

3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

 a

4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

 a

5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

a

a

aa a

7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

 a

8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

 a

9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

 a

10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

A

a

a

a

A a

Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

(@Benglorious)

I haven’t been this excited about a former United legend becoming our manager since 2015 when I took us through 5 unbeaten seasons in all competitions on PES 2016. Now I’m not saying Ole has a lot to live up to, but I was also playing, captaining, and taking home the golden boot every season with an average of 73 goals. Anything less than this level of success and I think we can all agree that Mr Gunnar Solskjaer need not even unpack.

Prediction: So much goals. Too good footballs. Many player joys. Fan response thumb ups. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t even know who this jolly Johnny soldier guy is but he sounds suspiciously Brexit to me. Which I hate.

Mysterious Island (1961)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (it’s good tbf).

Journey to the Centre of the Earth (1959)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (its good tbf). I watched both films in the same afternoon if this helps explain the James Mason thing.

Prediction: Someone to remember when Motson pronounced it Sol-Schka-ra wait i just did this i am a soothsaying genius. 2-1 United so as to show improvement but not so good as to abso confirm everyone’s been taking the piss.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I never never never never never never never never never never never never ever thought we would see the day when the infamous Norwegian Anti-American-corporate-pop Duo Oleg ‘n’ Arsehole Cher would be sexting with Fergie for tips on how to fit 11 men into 1.

Prediction: Captain Fellaini to equalise in the 89th minute. o-o United.

Here’s 5 things we learnzied:

1. Jose knows and can anticipate when a camera will be turned on him; each action is premeditated and deliberate, he is the living embodiment of the showman. Or he was just annoyed Marcus missed a sitter. Hard to tell tbh.

2. Man does that guy sure hate water tho.

3. We aren’t hilariously bad. We can’t even commit to comedy ffs.

4. The Lemoyne Raiders are an absolute joke of an organisation. How on earth did they survive for so long?

5. They had all LeMoney *4 laughing/crying emojis*

(@Benglorious)

This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?

The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.

Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:

last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer.  Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.

Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.

I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.

Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*

*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.

Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong  before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.

a

He drinks a Whiskey drink, he drinks a Vodka drink. He drinks a Lager drink, he drinks a Cider drink. He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the best times…

Who ‘He’ is … I guess we’ll never know.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Give Fellaini Brett’s wages.

2. His pockets are not deep enough.

3. And besides are filled with hundreds of coloured handkerchiefs tied together in a really really long line.

4. That’s funny cos you are suggesting he is a clown.

5. There goes Arsene Wenger. I must remember to thank him.

(@Benglorious)

The sun is shining, God of War is up and running, and it’s FA Cup semi-final day. I don’t want to seem like I’m exaggerating when I say this is the greatest day in the history of our species, but it truly is the greatest day ever.

Prediction: Goals for Sanchez, Pogba and Smalling give United what looks like an easy trip back to Wembley for the final until the review board awards all three goals to Harry Kane. London explodes. Literally. Local governments dissolve in the power vacuum. Feral bands of pensioners roam the streets, hunting teenagers. Cannibalism becomes the norm. Those with the foresight to leave the British Isles during these times have their planes shot down and their boats sunk by the U.N. The country becomes a toxic wasteland and is erased from all maps and is never spoken of again. Back at work on Monday, everybody feels a tiny bit foolish. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I can’t do words today because the   on my  eyboard is bro en

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013)

That the only vaguely good parts of this film are the cameos says a lot about how terrible this film is and that the actual legend of Ron Burgundy should never have been tarnished with an appalling sequel. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: I’ve seen United play Cmonyouspuuuurs a lot of times and sometimes United have won these games and sometimes they have lost them. Other times the result has been a draw. If I had to stick my neck out and predict an actual result, I’d say that one of those three outcomes is extremely likely. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the second place EPL title already sewn up, unless it’s not, United can afford to show the whole world exactly what we’re made of: I’m putting a tenner on Unsalted Rice Cakes.

Prediction: Fellaini to start and, in spite of himself, become the FA Cup Hero who scores the best goal in FA Cup History with a volleyed elbow from 387 yards out. 0-0 United.

 @Benglorious)

I’m also going to leave this one to you B-man. Big kisses.

P.s put that Klopp picture as the preview header today. You’re so talented. Extra kisses.

Prediction: I love Brett more than Tom.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m going to leave this one to you B-dawg. You’re the best. I’ve always said that.

Brett (Concept film: coming soon hopefully)

This film is yet to be made, or written, but it will be the best film ever. Better than Star Worlds and all the other films I always bang on about. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Whatever Brett says is best.

m

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This game always raises so many questions: does anyone care about Liverpool anymore? Who is Liverpool? That’s two for the good-natured-banter lovers out there.

Other questions about faces include: Is Jurgen Klopp’s face 90% teeth? Who tattoed an average footballer’s body and legs on to Firminho’s face? Is Simon Mignolet’s face a window to his soul? Did Emre Can’s face ever pay attention in CDT class at school with regards to the principles of form and function? Did you ever see James Milner’s face in the same room as a blanched roast potato? Why does Alberto Moreno’s face look like the face of a naughty boy who got away with stealing any other average full-back’s career? Does Oxlade-Chamberlain have the face of his career role model, Theo Walcott, painted on his tits? Why the long face, Jordan?

Prediction: Copy and pastes of Benno and Tom’s verbatim WhatsApp convo this morning to form the main body of their preview. 0-0 United.

R*zero*y H*zero*dgs*zero*n, more like !! L*zero**zero**zero**zero**zero**zero**zero*l !!

Here’s 5 things we have observed from our observing:

1. 4-0 is the new orange is the new black

2. What about the other games?**

3. Why are you still alive?

4. Fuck you, cunt.

5. Haven’t watched it yet and had dodged the score all day, much like that legendary episode of What happened to the likely lads?, cheers cunts.

** This question refers to our recent lack of reviews: now available online at Bifurcated.co.uk/Bennoisawettowel

We haven’t won the English Premier League on the first day of the season since that great day back in 1966!

All the squad can now look forward to taking a well deserved tour of all them countries who haven’t bought enough shirts and that, until next August.

Here’s 5 things we learnt/ed:

1. Winning is good.

2. That’s all I’ve got.

3. Fella next to me in the pub, thought it was a great a joke to pretend to his m8, who was sending him text updates, that he wasn’t watching the match. Note to self: kill all people in pub.

4. You know some great people.

5. “Ooh I drink in a pub with real people”. Pathetic.

6. I thought that whilst it would be nonsensical to talk about the ‘bigger picture’ this early in the season, our overall level of performance – both individually and as a team – can only make one optimistic. Not ‘Tritanic: This time it’s in space’ optimistic but relatively confident nevertheless.

7. I liked the goals we did.

8. Why don’t you like them anymore?

9. Fella came on as a substitute. Please delete all points after number 2. And everything you clowns have ever written.