(@Benglorious)

I’d already given up by the time I got home from work last Friday, and this was only the third match. Saturday came, but I was not invested. At about 5 o’clock, habit, that relentless masochist, had me checking the score. Interesting enough to raise an eyebrow, but not interesting enough to chip away the ever more predictable ennui that had settled over my entire body like grave dirt.

Sunday was a new day but the pervasive feeling of resignation had not lifted. When you’re successful, it’s easy to accept defeat even if it does leave a bad taste in the mouth. When you’ve been mediocre for a long period of time, defeat is a more accepted part of the game, but it’s the constant hope after good performances that eventually melts your wings and crushes your soul.

Luckily, we had Ben Stokes. From its glacial start to its explosively dangerous climax, his innings was so full of drama I almost expected him to receive a BAFTA as his man of the match trophy. His shot selection was breathtaking – the drives, the reverse sweeps, the ramps, the casual flick of a slow full toss over the rope – as was the tension. I could hardly blame him for not wanting to watch the best bowlers in the world attack the unassuming accountant at the other end, but Jack Leach held his own, playing an equally important part in extinguishing that Australian spark that pervades their sport at every level. His 1 not out means he will now be spoken about, at least in this country, alongside such names as Lara, Tendulkar, even Bradman, and we will only be half-joking.

Prediction: 1-o to whoever, let’s say United for a laugh.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Who remembers Friends? lol you are all bad slags, racists and nipple fetishists. And Blockbuster Video? Don’t even get me started that place really sucked – renting videos lol its 2019 ffs. Who remembers the Titanic?? Awful, awful ship, sank almost straight away. Launched from Southampton. Now I’m not saying Southampton are to blame for all of these things – that’s for others to say, if they think that – but the Titanic was longest ago and cause and effect imho.

The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance (2019)*

The original Dark Crystal was the Citizen Kane of puppet films. This is Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 ie a film I would never watch because everyone hates it.

*I have only watched one episode so this review may change next week when I’ve watched the rest/read what everyone else thinks

Prediction: 1-0 to whoever, lets say Southampton just to be different to Benno

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ooooh, look at us two bells, writing actual words. FML.

After 40 years of cba’d, my adult life has intensified exponentially as I am now Property Owner (not in Southampton), with a contract – as the latin predicates – that I will be bound to until my inglorious death; bolted to a self-assembled cross made from C + F, and the abso state of it missing part H.

I went to my new local chinese take away last night, and having watched on in horror as the young men toiled over a soup starter, intermittently batting away the insects in the kitchen, I decided to instead visit the Indian a few doors down to get us a Kari Kombing … as flies to wan tun boys, we are for the goats.

Prediction:  1 – 0 to whoever, let’s say neither just to be different to Tom and Benno.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s finally the last game of the season. I for one couldn’t be happier that United haven’t got even one more game after today’s clash with Bournemouth, as I’m completely spent after writing in-depth previews for the three hundred or so other matches we’ve played this season. I’m really looking forward to the European Championships, purely because we’re not allowed to write about national teams after that incident in the UEFA headquarters with all the fire and farm animals.

Opposition Summary: Bournemouth are famous for being in a town where old people go to die. They play in black and red shirts like AC Milan but they don’t even speak Italian. Our lawyers will be looking into whether we can make any money off this incident of fraud as soon as they’ve finished their GCSE’s.

Prediction: With the title within reach for United and relegation looming for the Cherries, this is a must-win for both teams. However, the FA have ridiculously ruled that only one team can be declared a winner in any one match so I guess this one will have to be settled in court. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Birthplace of Jason Bourne, deathplace of everyone, Bournemouth are rubbish and should therefore easily turn us over. After which Louis will claim we are still in the race for the title. Apparently we can still get CL and 4th but it involves maths and what the fuck has maths ever done for anybody?

Starting to warm to Vangle to be honest, really admire his inability to accept any responsibility for his team selections, tactics or even players he’s bought. Should probably go into Politics.

I’m glad we torched the place with animals on fire.

Captain America: Civil War (2016) SPOILERS ABOUND

So like its after AoU and the Avengers are invading Africa to catch Crossbones but he explodes himself and you’re like ‘wh-whut??’ and then Captain Americas wants to find Bucky who is like proper badass but then like he bombs the UN and kills the old king of Wakanda and this makes T’Challa proper mad yo. Tony wants to become establishment like the worst kind of capitalist pig-dog and the team is all like ‘ok’ and ‘no’ and then they escape and Captain Americas finds Bucky and then they find them and then they’re all like PEW PEW THWOK! POW! etc and then they find new information and Bucky is still badass but not a bomber but also prone to being Winter Soldiered by Zemo (lol, his first name is Helmut) Everyone fights for remainder of movie  and Black Panther and Spiderman are really great guys. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: City lose to Swansea and at 1-0 with 5mins to go we concede 4 to completely ruin everything. Although this would suggest some kind of consistency so lets say 3-0 to us, Martial and Ashford to be rested in preparation for the 2018 season. Wayne to spontaneously combust at final whistle but in one last heroic act, he takes LVG with him. 

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

In our defence those animals were highly flammable with their very un-PC fur coats.

Pretty sure us did a Jason Bourne joke last time, so I can’t do that innit. We’re funny. And since when has having done a a joke stopped us doing a a joke before? I don’t know. This is Paul.

With the season finale upon us: the Chan Chan Man up top cracks another wisecracking cracker of a wisecrack. Joey – in the middle – pulls out another pube to pretend he has emotions. And, meanwhile, Ross, here at the bottom – the one you’ve all been rooting for all along – stumbles upon his Rachel*

*Only Polish and under 5ft tall, and having not had sex with Brad Pitt, or spent the last six-and-a-half years trying to lose the Rachel from Friends tag, by playing roles that make her look like Rachel from Friends, doing Rachel from Friends, just without the Friends bit.

Prediction: Brett to mess it all up and end up in a meaningless sexual relationship with a monkey. Spending the rest of his life trying to lose his Brett from Bifurcated tag, by writing blogs that make him look like Brett from Bifurcated doing Brett from Bifurcated, just without the Bifurcated bit. 0-0 United.