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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and the story isn’t even mentioned by the thirty journalists I told it to, even though it would perfectly explain why his legs don’t work properly anymore. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary:  Liverpool used to be the best, then they were nearly good. They also had a spell of being nearly bad, before a spirited re-emergence as one of the most nearly good teams in the Premiership League. Currently, they are fucking clown shoes.

Prediction:  Dave and Roonsquad to keep hogging the headlines by somehow locking each other in the toilets. Because of this, Marcy Arl will have to make his day bew both up front and in goal simultaneously. Even with the dynamic cutting edge of Balotelli fed by the genius of Gerrard, Liverpool will not be able to beat the universe’s most expensive teenager, who will then justify his fee by scoring all the goals ever. 0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

United v Liverpool still remains the yardstick by which all football is judged; last year (March 2015), over 16000 million people watched the game, in over 3000 countries – Barca v R Madrid (hereafter known as ‘El Scum’) could only manage 17. And they were all in Spain. Why is it called a ‘train’ of thought?

Have decided to review some films instead:

The Game (Michael Douglas, Sean Penn)

Not a traditional game so the title was misleading, little disappointed in the lie. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (Konstantin Khabensky)

Really, really weird. Like when Homer remembers watching Twin Peaks but nothing like that. Literally no idea. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (Seth Rogen, James Franco)

Danny McBride teaches you how to be more aerodynamic when you fight (spoiler: its shaving your armpits) and also kills someone with a Daewoo Lanos. Has Seth Rogen in it. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (Holly Hunter, Anna Paquin, Harvey Keitel)

Despite the well-deserved acclaim for Schlinder’s List, if it had been any other year, we’d almost certainly be talking about Jane Campion’s film as Best Picture winner in ’94. Campion’s story – Ada (Hunter), a 19th Century Scottish woman who communicates solely through her piano, travels to New Zealand for an arranged marriage, only to fall under the spell of an illiterate, tattooed neighbour (Keitel) – has the quiet eroticism, passion and authenticity of a Victorian novel. Around this tragic story, Campion creates an almost otherworldly and surreal version of the past aided notably by Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography and the very nature of her surroundings. That aside, pretty good.

Masterstroke signing Dave from ourselves to keep the net spend down. Probably. I’m not sure how it works

Prediction: I’m not sure who Liverpool are, despite what I said earlier. Nevertheless, we’re not very good and don’t seem able to score the required goals needed to win games. I think this works against us. 8-0 United, Gerrard for Nasri, Martial to score 12.

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  Brett (@tchooo)

I was sad to hear of the terrible passing of Stevie G last season. BOOM. One sentence. One great joke. Striker. Eat. It. These smaller sentences aren’t helping my stats. Idiot. Drat.

Liverpool F.C have a long tradition in being Liverpool F.C and a long history in the same thing. In this context history and tradition probably mean the same thing, so they’re just acting the big I am by having both. But they do have a long history and tradition in that too.

Vangle’s boys forgot to put the teaspoon back in the top of the dressing room when they put it back in the fridge and Michael ‘ Michael Carrick ‘ Carrick and Roonswipe made their feelings clear by driving around in their cars looking like they were doing complicated algebras in their heads. I’m sure Vangle really gives one.

Prediction: Danny with his cous cous salad on a bed of rocket. Mata to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, just so he could recreate it and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack. Or not. Up to him. Someone has to beat that little kid who submitted that one that was on the web the other day, where he’s kicked it from the wrong side of the goalbag. Idiot. A comfortable 0-0. 

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

I’ve been practising some of the jokes based on internet research, involving similar words, but not exactly in the same order, so definitely not copying…

What’s the difference between So Solid Crew and Steven Gerrard?

About 18 members or 29 members depending on which point in the pop combo’s history you’re referring to, as the number of people in the So Solid Crew changed over time, as members left, or were replaced, or other people joined in. And there is only one of this particular Steven Gerrard.

What’s the difference between Youssou N’Dour, Neneh Cherry and Steven Gerrard?

Youssou N’Dour is Senegalese, a singer, a percussionist, a songwriter, a composer, an occasional actor, a politician, and was Senegal’s Minister of Tourism and Leisure. Neneh Cherry is a Swedish-born singer-songwriter, rapper, and occasional DJ and broadcaster.

And Steven Gerrard is etc…

You can repeat the format with Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, Motley Crue, The Cure, Jack Penate, Alice Cooper and any other hit paraders with a song with the word ‘second’ or in it. Make sure you’ve installed fire retardent software on your device before you tweet that mind!

On the subject of Gerrard, two questions:

1) During his “apology”, did he apologise to Ander? I guess he must have…

b) How many players in a similar situation haven’t made the standard cliched apology to the fans and the dressing room and the manager for letting them down and letting themselves down etc?! I guess all of them…

As for us, Giggsy now just needs to convince Vangle of Rafael at right back, and then all our’s and Giggsy’s favourites are in the team.

We’ll wait to get Danny back, when Giggsy’s boss.

Thought for the Day: Love will find a way.

Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8^th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9^th and 14^th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16^th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

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“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’ve never even heard of Liverpool. Having read Brian’s “work”, I’m none the wiser (although the He-Man element piqued my interest long enough to finish reading. Well done Bob)

United 33 – 26 Liverpool. So many goals.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’m currently editing my post I wrote days ago because I’m not happy with some of the sentence construction and my overuse of gerunds.  I’m not actually writing it last-minute because I thought the game kicked off at 4pm.  I am so good at footballs.  I suppose only one of us knows the truth of why I’m so late adding stuff to the other stuff on here, and if they want to let me know what that truth is, I’ve lost where I’m going with this.  Football.

There is/was a chant that described United’s opponents today.  I remember it from ‘Cracker’ which was a policecop show from before you were born.  It was pretty good and the main guy was played by jazz supremo John Coltrane.  Maybe he came up with the chant in question using his music skills.  It’s not one of those chants that mocks poverty, or people slipping over, or how many Premierships the team in question hasn’t won, or bonfire building, or even a lovely Christmas song that still mocks poverty.  This particular chant is my favourite because it helps me remember the team we’re playing whenever we play them:

L-I-V!!  E-R-P!!  DOUBLE-O-L hmmmmnfmmmnOOL FC!!

Nope.  Still no idea who we’re playing so really gonna struggle picking some players to watch.  Let’s go for Gheorghe Hagi, Abedi Pele and Joan of Arc.

Prediction:  Vangle will most likely have his shizz together more than me, and will be looking to continue the fine run that has seen him win the last fifty games in a row with yet another dynamite performance.  Falcao will start from the bench but will be so good that he’ll score twice before he comes on.  This skullduggery will confuse the opponents, leaving Rooney in so much space that Anderson could nearly fit in there with him.  Rooney will use this space to his advantage, finally chipping a keeper after fifteen years of trying.  The three-goal lead will be too much for the other team, and Yannerzi will come on as a late sub to bag a cheeky Nando’s.  1-0 hmmmmnfmmmnOOL.

When young Radamel is not tying back his hair in anticipation of kicking goals into nets, he loves nothing more than the Discovery Channel, kites (both the bird and the toy) and the Royal Logistics Corps museum.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

This weekend sees two of English football’s giants locking horns yet again, as Manchester United and Liverpool reignite one of the world’s fiercest rivalries when they face each other at the Theatre of Dreams on Sunday.

Having only recently taken over at Manchester United, at the start of the current Premier League season, Louis Van Gaal has had his work cut out introducing his philosophy to his new charges and in dealing with injury crisis after injurAs if that’s any way to write about kicky sports … kept it up for a small paragraph and a half an average paragraph too.

Note to self: find out how they manufactured a whole theatre out of dreams. Maybe that’s where the giants come in?

Now (or whenever you’re reading this, would be weird if you were reading this ‘now’ as I write it. Unless you’re me and you’re not letting on), we all know that the United players are made of swashbuckling fantasy and daring-do, apart from Fellaini who is made of xylem and phloem, but what are the Liverpool players made of?

I spent my break at work writing down a few extensive researchs on the back of a fag packet…

Simon Mignolet: Bruce Grobelaar’s legs from that penalty that time for arms, and futility.

Glenn Johnson: entropy

Martin Skrtl: Skeletor (the reboot, not proper 80s Skeletor), but in 0.2D and henna.

Sakho: operatic destruction.

Kolo Toure: the tears of rejection.

Lovren: not a fightren (idgi).

Moreno: thanyes. (irdgi)

Raheem Sterling: sweet dreams are made of these (who am I to disagree?) (c0s of the time he said he was tired, that no-one mentioned enough imo).

Steven Gerrard: CCTV footage of ex-England captain Steven Gerrard’s club highlights.

Jordan Henderson: the ghost of Dirk Kuyt.

Lucas Leiva: the bottled spirit of Hollywood child stars gone bad.

Joe Allen: french fries, the Walkers crisps version.

Can: an apostrophe and the letter T. (irrdgi)

Coutinho: kittens.

Adam Lallana: your ‘poorly’ friend from school, done good.

Mario Balotelli: the post-dystopian future from the past, happening now and then.

Rick i.e Lambert: a loveable house brick wrapped in Caramac.

Score prediction: Beethoven’s fifth performed by an ice-cream van and a piano falling down some stairs.

Welbeck has one ‘L’ of a problem with ‘greedy’ Lallana.

When it was announced earlier this week that both Andros Townsend and Michael Carrick would be returning from International duty to their respective employers, as a result of minor knocks picked up during England training, no-one thought anything of it… but that was one ‘L’ of a mistake…

Tensions frayed, earlier this week, when Danny Welbeck and Calum Chambers were reading the Metro on the bus on the way into training and noticed England teammates Gary Cahill and Adam Lallana were ‘carrying a spare’. The pair were left stunned by the shocking discovery and it proved too much for the young England stars to stomach; as both have been singled out and ridiculed for the overwhelming lack of the letter ‘L’ in their respective names, since birth.

Roy Hodgson has never hidden his preference for ‘Non-‘L’ers’, in handing Wayne Rooney, and before him, Steven Gerrard, the England captaincy, but it was assumed, by F.A bosses and experts, that the appointment of Gary Neville (a Two-‘L’er) – as a balance – had eased any lingering tension. Unfortunately the animosity between the One-‘L’ers, Non-‘L’ers, Two-‘L’ers and Surplus-‘L’ers, is yet again threatening to split the England dressing room in four!

When Michael Carrick a fellow One-‘L’er, and father figure to the young One-‘L’ers in the squad, confronted Cahill and Lallana, Towsend (a Non-‘L’er) stepped in: the violent scenes that erupted left the dressing room needing a really good tidy up.

A source said, “Rooney’s degenerative condition in his knees … no wait, you were asking me about ‘L’s in players names … I’m sorry you’ve lost me. That makes no sense.”

As you list the players that have gone down in the history books as the greatest players ever in the history books of history, it’s clear to see players with ‘L’s come out on top, if you ignore approximately half of them, Maradona, Eric Cantona, Cruyff etc… and just consider the ones that substantiate the theory that this is a real serious issue: Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele etc…

Either way it’s abundantly clear, it’s an ‘L’ of a problem for Roy and he needs to learn how to deal with it fast!

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Bobbins:  A Tale of Trying

King Alexander had ruled Traffordonia for nearly thirty years.  He was much respected by his enemies and beloved by his people because during his reign the kingdom had flourished, and was the envy of the whole world.  Alexander knew that his time as king was coming to an end and, with no heirs, had been thinking long and hard about who should replace him upon his retirement.  After he’d announced that he would be giving up the throne, all the kingdom was rife with speculation as to who the new king would be.  A lot of Alexander’s loyal subjects agreed that Joséph of the White Royal family would be ideal, but others pointed to his arrogance and the fact that he had previously been at war with Traffordonia as general of the humourless Chelsians.

Others pointed across the sea at Dortmundana, where the canny Jürgen had led his people through a triumphant uprising against their sworn enemies, the Bayernets.  Jürgen admitted to being flattered at all the interest in him succeeding King Alexander, but his unwavering loyalty to his people would prevent him from leaving them to accept the crown.

In the end, it was a man called David whom King Alexander summoned to his palace one afternoon to bestow the kingdom of Traffordonia upon him.  David was the mayor of a place called Toffeetown.  Toffeetown was a nice place to live, even though it wasn’t the town it used to be.  The people loved David, and he them.  Under his rule, Toffeetown was neither a success nor a failure and the community accepted this period of benevolence with their natural good humour.

Alexander told his people that David was the man he had chosen to succeed him, and that they should love and obey David as they loved and obeyed their current king.  David was known to the kingdom, and was respected as a shrewd tactitian because of  the various skirmishes that had taken place between Toffeetown and Traffordonia.  There was no ill will towards Toffeetown despite this, as both sets of people had a common enemy: the evil Pudlians.  They were reviled due to their underhand tactics, lack of morals and the disgusting behaviour of their famous spearhead, Louis the Tooth.

David’s first act as king was to bring his fiercest warrior, Mary-Ann, from Toffeetown to bolster his troops.  Mary-Ann was a pillar of Toffetown’s army, as strong as a tree, but many wondered where this chesty warrior would fit in with the army Alexander had left behind.  All doubts were soon dispelled as David’s first battle ended with a treasure-filled victory over the Wigs, followed by an even more comfortable defeat of the Swans of the Sea.  The people relaxed, seemingly secure in the knowledge that Alexander had appointed a worthy successor, one who would maintain their proud traditions.

The Traffordonian’s evil rivals, the Pudlians, soon put the dampeners on the feeling of joy felt throughout the kingdom as they swept aside David’s men.  This was followed by yet another defeat, this time to the Blue Moon clan who lived just across the border.  Spirits were raised again for a short time after a rout against the Levers across the sea, but this was short-lived after back to back losses against Toffeetown and Magpie Castle, both coming on home territory.

A poor defeat to the Sons of Derland ruined the chance of capturing any silverware, and this was followed by an embarrassing loss to the Chelsians, led by none other than Joséph who had switched allegiances from the White Royals after being overlooked for the kingship.  Joséph must have felt some sympathy for David, as shortly afterwards he allowed one of his finest soldiers, John the Killer, to join the Traffordonian army.

This didn’t give the nation the fillip everyone was expecting.  A crushing loss to the wildmen of Stokington and a dour stalemate with the vampires of Craven Cottage preceded a toothless defeat to the lowly Olympians on David’s continental crusade.  Mutterings of his unworthiness for the crown were starting to be heard in various corners of the land, which started to gain volume and momentum after yet another defeat to the Pudlians.  Some of David’s subjects started to call publicly for his head, but he managed to keep the wolf from the door by masterminding a revenge victory over the Olympians to continue his crusade.

John the Killer rallied the troops to claim a decisive and much needed win over the Villains of Aston, but the next opponents would not be so easy to dominate.  The Bayernets had one of the strongest and fiercest armies in the world, and now they stood in David’s way.  A tense first battle saw no quarter given and both sides left with honour intact.  The second battle started well for the Traffordonians, with ageing stalwart Pat Everhard taking the fight to the Bayernets and catching them off-guard.  However, this only angered the Bayernets and they swiftly countered before sending David’s men home, their campaign finished.

Rumours of David’s removal as king were now being touted by even the most loyal of his subjects, and it came as no surprise that he was overthrown after his next defeat, ironically to the people who’d once loved him:  Toffeetown.  Ryan Broslayer was appointed as steward of Traffordonia until such time as a new king could be found to resurrect the crumbling kingdom and restore its former glories.

In light of Traffordonia’s failures under David’s rule, both the Pudlians and the Blue Moon clan were vying for control of the kingdom.  Both were longstanding rivals of Traffordonia but had been kept well subdued, for the most part, by Alexander’s dominance during his reign.  He’d actually claimed the kingdom from the Pudlians many, many years ago and had instilled in his subjects the need to never let the evil Pudlians rule again.  With this in mind, the Traffordonians were secretly supporting the Blue Moon clan in any way they could, barring treasonous acts.

For a long time it seemed that the Pudlians, marshalled by their talisman Stee-Gee, would be the ones to claim total victory.  This would lead to a repeat of the dark days, spoken of by elders in hushed tones.  However, calamity struck Stee-Gee on the battlefield as he slipped at a crucial moment, allowing the Chelsians to administer a telling defeat to the evil Pudlians, crushing their hopes and allowing the Blue Moon clan to swoop in and take the crown.  The Traffordians grudgingly accepted the lesser of two evils as their betters, and swore fealty to the Blue Moon clan as their rightful rulers for the coming year.

Ryan Broslayer’s tenure as steward came to an end after the Blue Moon clan’s ultimate victory.  The highly-decorated Louis Vangelis took over the reins in Ryan’s stead, but kept him on as his right-hand man.  What happened after that?  Well, that’s a story for another time.  However, Traffordonians know deep in their hearts that the day will come when it is they who will be ruling once more, the balance will be restored and all will be right with the world.

The End

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

So it’s all over; another roller-coaster ride of thrills and excitement, culminating in a ‘down to the last day’ scenario and one more title. Oh UNITED? Why didn’t you say….

Got to be honest, I’ve already repressed most of this season (expecting it to come back to me in senility and those lonely nights in the home circa 2040) and as such, the review is going to be somewhat slap-dash; for the regular readers (who am I kidding? ‘Reader’. And thanks Dad) I know this lack of professionalism will shock and dismay you but hey, if fellas earning £200000+ a week can do it…

August 2013: Sir Alex who? A 4-1 drubbing of Mighty Swansea and a 0-0 draw againts the all-consuming genius that is Mourinho?! Business as usual then lads.

N.B If we were Liverpool, we’d’ve started singing ‘We’re going to win the league’ about now.

September 2013: Little bit of a speed-bump September; alright we got hammered by City, but it wasn’t 6-1 and yes, we did also lose to Liverpool but these things happened in the Fergie era – it’s a team in transition! We beat Palace for chrissakes. The West Brom thing was probably just a one-off freak result. And just look at us go in Europe!

October 2013: See? Beating Sunderland and Stoke is nothing to be sniffed at (See also: draws against European heavy-hitters Shakhtar & Real Sociedad).

November 2013:  Victories against Fulham and league-leaders Arsenal put us right back in the hunt and Cardiff away is never easy. Megalolz at Fellaini in Europe – what a signing he’s turning out to be – but 5 against Leverkusen away is just the tonic we need. Now we’ll turn the corner.

December 2013: Four wins and a draw. Yes, defeats at home to both Everton and Newcastle do seem to be a negative but Dave is really trying and I’m sure we’re just not seeing his vision. Buy a gun just in case.

January 2014: Oh THAT Sir Alex. Sweet Jesus. Still, take that Wales. Oh wait. Beginning to think David isn’t the tactical super-genius we thought.

February 2014: Set new world record for number of crosses. Take this as a positive. And if you ignore the defeat to Stoke and the draw against Fulham, not a bad month – I mean, we drew with 4th place winners Arsenal. That Olympiakos thing was just West Brom all over again. Oil gun on daily basis now.

March 2014: Magnificent vengeance against the mighty West Brom, and we continue to lure Liverpool & City into thinking we’re not even trying to win the league and really stick it to Villa who, once again, are challenging for worst thing ever. What goes around comes around as Olympiakos get their just desserts at OT and we make the last eight.

April 2014: Get knocked out – comprehensively – by Bayern; I don’t think its hyperbole to say it was the biggest shock since sliced bread. However, now we’re rid of the tiresome distraction that is CL, starting to think Moyes is leaving it a bit late to make that final charge – mathematically, it seems impossible.  In other news, Moyes sacked. Hand my gun into police – won’t be needing it now. Relative unknown Ryan Giggs made interim boss, smiles all across the land.

May 2014: Prepared suicide note in event of Liverpool win. Turned it into party invite where Steven Gerrard’s slip is shown on continuous loop. Season ends with Vidic and Rio leaving (I knew Vidic was going when I saw him sign that Milan contract), hope ensuing vacuum sucks both Cleverley and Young to a parallel world where they aren’t subjected to constant ridicule. Seems unlikely. Louis Van Gaal touted as next boss but at the time of writing, no official confirmation. Thousands of Vines though. So that’s good.

Its quite probable that having read this review, you might’ve noticed some glaring omissions – there’s no mention of the league cup for instance – but this is because I don’t believe in it; either way, feel free to not bring any of them to my attention. Its also highly probable that if you started reading this, you possibly – and justifiably – gave up way before now. If so, you’ve gone up in my estimation.

About the author:

Invented Glass, starred in Miss Saigon for 24 consecutive years.

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Abhay (Ab5Y) :

The unholy has been avoided. Liverpool will go another season without adding to their eighteen league crowns. While this may bring some amount of solace to Man United fans (especially the ones of a certain vintage who have seen the Merseyside team truly dominate English football), it does scarce to ease the pain of a season which to date is the worst United have had to endure in the Premier League era.

What does ease the pain, however, is the tangible hope that the 2013/14 season will go down as a blip rather than a turning point in the history of Manchester United FC. Strong rumours of the impending arrival of Louis van Gaal mean that the fans, and a fair portion of the players (not least a certain horse placenta connoisseur) remain optimistic of returning to their rightful place at the helm of the league table in the coming season. Along with that, there is also the indication that United are keen on buying football players actually worthy of playing for Manchester United, especially in the center of midfield. This is certainly heartening news for those who aren’t entirely pleased with Michael Carrick, Tom Cleverley, Marouane Fellaini and the soon to be former Manchester United player/personal entertainer and jester to Alex Ferguson, Anderson.

If and when van Gaal takes charge of this Manchester United squad, one can expect a throwback to the heady days of 90s attacking and flair football. Old Trafford hasn’t seen such football, featuring gay abandonment, consistently since Vincent del Bosque’s Real Madrid were the victors in a clash between tactical astuteness and “tactical anarchy”. Since then, Sir Alex Ferguson became decidedly more possession minded in the way he set out his playing elevens. It was a transformation that was largely accepted whilst the trophies kept rolling in. But with two trophyless years since 2011, the return of attacking football in its purest essence will be a welcome sight for those making the trip down Sir Matt Busby Way.

If the hopes of the reported 600 million people worldwide, who claim to support “Man U”, are realized, the 2014/15 season could see Manchester United and Liverpool compete for the title. But unlike the last time it happened (2008/09), this time promises to be the start of rivalry that could last more than just one season.

For starters, there seems to be no danger of Brendan Rodgers going off on a rant about how van Gaal has, or will doubtless have, the FA in his pocket. For the main course, Rodgers also seems to be hell bent on not wanting to exchange his best players for Gareth Barry. For dessert, Rodgers is just a good manager through and through, and not a ‘flawed genius’.

With Chelsea under Jose Mourinho looking set to buy a world class striker in the summer, and Arsenal and Manchester City also almost certain to strengthen in order to build on their numerous positives this season, the fight for the league will be might tougher next season than it has been these past eight months. If Tottenham finally manage to find a manager capable of getting the best out of an expensively assembled squad, and Everton continue their rise under Roberto Martinez, even getting top four will be a sizable challenge.

Yet, barring City, none of the teams in the PL have the same quality in their squad that Manchester United already possess. But while City have a treasure trove of world class players to call upon whenever a need arises, Liverpool have something far more powerful: the call of destiny. Whether one believes in such a thing or not, it is undeniable that Liverpool supporters and a large proportion of their players know and understand the rich history of their club. There is an aura about Anfield, the Liver bird, the kop, the Shankly gates, and everything that goes with that club, that, though dimmed in the past two and a half decades, can still turn LFC into a fearsome and dominating trophy machine. Only Manchester United’s own history and traditions can compare, and hence only United can stop the mayhem that Liverpool will create under Rodgers now that they have tasted blood.

Brett:

I did one for ROM on Vidic and then ran out of

I watched this game through the medium of text messages; primarily from Liverpool Rob. And so if the Pool’s Panel would like to take into account my text score against Rob (with the best text being equal to one English Premier League goal) – and I think as David Moyes pointed out it suggests somethings afoot if they don’t – then we can chalk this one off as a comfortable home win, on aggregate.

I wasn’t watching the game because my selfish mum and dad wanted to see me one last time before they might never ever see me again. How selfish is that?! I had at least TWO other people WANTING to come and watch the game with me down the pub. TWO!! I’ve never felt or looked that popular in my whole life. Pure selfish.

Highlights from the text exchange included: a great ‘Pen-Ultimate’ pun from me, and an ‘in Moyes we rust’ one. Rob said somethings that I accidentally deleted straight away without reading.

All together now:

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

The manager has stated that Rooney is unfit ahead of a key game. If we had a manager that wasn’t so proficient in fibbing about the fitness of his players, then I’d truly believe him. As such, I don’t. Rooney could well have some involvement on Sunday, and he could well start. That’s just how Ferguson works.  Of course, I could be wrong; this is a double-fake out and Rooney really won’t be available until midweek despite making it seem as if he will be by saying he won’t be. Crafty bugger…..

We’ve been prepared to play without him for a while anyway, so it’s hardly the end of the world if he isn’t available. The problem isn’t that we don’t have sufficient cover, because we clearly have options available to compensate for the lack of our favourite Scouser (not exactly a difficult title to maintain, obviously). The problem lies in that you really want as many options available to you as possible ahead of a derby game. Saying “anything can happen” is a big barrel full of rubbish, because not everything can happen (I doubt that a squad of Liverpudlian killer whales dressed in wetsuits will infiltrate the dressing room and hold RVP hostage, for example), but current form isn’t always the best barometer for measuring just how big games will go. You’d say that given our current position atop the Premier League mountain of Aceness that we’d be well placed to win at home against a team 21 points behind us.

Except it’s not that easy, is it?

Rodgers’ first derby at Anfield ended badly with the ignominy of a 1-2 defeat despite having had the better of the entire game with ten men. He won’t want to lose in the return fixture. Gerrard has pieced together some semblance of form after a difficult start to the season. Suarez has made me eat my words in spectacular fashion by proving that he function without another recognised striker his side and has 15 goals to his name already this season. It’s just not going to be a walkover, and Liverpool will be more than happy to turn up, which is something we’ve not managed to do at Anfield for a long time, despite the result in September. It’ll be tight, tense and marvellously engrossing. With the cup replay on Wednesday and Spurs to come next weekend, it feels as if this season is ready to truly get going.

Brett:

Is Rooney really not available for the game he loves to score in? Can Fergie really push mind games to this kind of nth degree whereby you think it’s mind games but you second guess yourself, third guess yourself and fourth guess yourself, till you forget what it was you were trying to fathom? I’ve forgotten what I was trying to fathom. By the way – totally unrelated – I don’t think Rooney will be fit.

With RVP in the team, Chicha firing and even without those factors, we’d struggle not to beat Liverpool at home. The new SAS although infinitely more annoying than V1.0, which is no mean feat, are nowhere near as threatening and of course, neither would you expect them to be, after just a few days of being. No doubt there will be a few moments where Liverpool, in spite of themselves, will cause us a few problems – probably in some way of our own making.

The knuckleheads will no doubt ensure that the shadows cast by the Evra/Suarez racism issue still linger over this fixture for years to come. I don’t enjoy this game and won’t be watching.

Prediction: 3 – 1

Goals: RVP 2, Danny.