(@Benglorious)

m

Prediction: Brett to be so wrong he’s convicted of high treason, which, luckily, is still punishable by death. Welbeck with his customary two, Rojo penalised, no sign of Falcao. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Let me say something that might shock you: I ruddy love Hull. Amidst a field of giants – Rod, Ship’s, by very loose association the savoury hoop – the City of Hull* really stands out. Its postcode is HU and its time zone is Greenwich Mean Time. Other valuable websites are www.hullcc.gov.uk and it is the UK’s 2017 City of Culture. Assuming the last one is for the purposes of a joke we don’t get.

*ranked 58th

The film review feature is again sadly absent because I’ve been too ruddy worried to watch films. God Bless.

Prediction: Brett to be bang wrong. 3-0 United. The scorers? You decide! For Ibra, turn to page 23, for Mkhitaryan, turn to page 48. For Wayne Rooney, colour in the circle on page 2. Try and stay in the lines.

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

What can we say about Hull that hasn’t already been said. I’ll tell you what we can say about Hull that hasn’t already been said, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! BECAUSE WE PLAY THEM EVERY SODDING DAY OF THE RUDDY YEAR FFS.

Prediction: Tom and Benno to say something we’ve said before because of the thing I said about there being absolutely nothing to say about them that hasn’t been said before, on account of us playing them every sodding day of the ruddy etc 0-0 United.

Another cup final! This United is the United I know and love. I always knew this would work out. Mourinho is a massive bellend.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Power cuts are lame (TV runs on electricity).

2. The second half made me miss the power cut.

3. Assumed as soon as he got the record he’d move to China. Worrying imho.

5. AND NOW YOU’RE etc

4. This is weird when I have to do it.

6. Please come back, Brett.

7. Don’t.

 (@Benglorious)

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Prediction: United not to do a Liverpool because we’re not playing Southampton. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Wish I lived in Hull.

La La Land (2017)

THEY DON’T MAKE FILMS LIKE THIS ANYMORE!! Apart from this one, you fucking morons. That aside, pretty good.

m

Prediction: All the goals, all the time. Unless Wayne’s playing. 5-0 United.

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

Wish I lived in Hell.

m

Prediction: None of the goals, none of the time. Unless Wayne’s playing. 0-0 United.

Lol @ Loserpool.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. That Fellaini/Keane/Lily Allen gag was pretty good.

2. For you.

3. Winning is good, we should have tried it earlier.

4. Some woman just let her dog do a really loose shit on my drive. She’s claiming it was’nt her dog.

5. Food poisoning at Christmas. Punched on a Train. Car jack attempt. Now this?! And Benno said that cauldron we got on Ebay wasn’t worth the £33.49 ‘Buy It Now’ price.

 (@Benglorious)

Win this game and we’re one step closer to the final of this so-called ‘EFL Cup’. Win the final of this so-called ‘EFL Cup’, and United will have the first part of a continental treble the likes of which has never been seen before. Even by Liverpool.

m

Prediction: Lots of good defending by the defenders and lots of good goals by the goalers. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Please paste my words:

I am not doing words as my only idea was H U L L to the tune of D I S C O but with the same lyrics and also I am solving crimes as inspector batman.

Batman: the telltale series
You solve crimes. As batman. That aside, pretty good.

If you cba to paste this I don’t blame you but obvs still hate you both.

Please paste my words:

I am not doing words as my only idea was H U L L to the tune of D I S C O but with the same lyrics and also I am solving crimes as inspector batman.

Batman: the telltale series
You solve crimes. As batman. That aside, pretty good.

If you cba to paste this I don’t blame you but obvs still hate you both.

Prediction: Massive jokes on me when they both paste my words. 4-0 United, but a good 4-0, not one of those rubbish 4-0’s we see every week.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

That ‘both paste’ a joke is pretty good. That aside, pretty good. Glad I thought of it.

We have to play Hull like 3000 times in the next two weeks, so plenty of opportunities for us to re-use those Rod Hull and Beautiful South a jokes.

Prediction: My prediction to be a Rod Hull and Beautiful South a joke that we’ve done before. 0-0 United.

After wrapping up the EPL against Southampton, we have now had our title stripped from us, after the consortium invoked the three strike rule. Knew they ruddy would.

Here’s 5 things us learned, like the true artists we are:

1. Someone needs to have a look at the NHS.

2. Rooney is beyond joke bad now. Like there are no jokes funny enough to warrant his inclusion.

3. Paul Pogba is having a mare.

4. At least Watford now know they can beat Hull and Southampton.

5. See, this is EXACTLY what happens when you leave Rooney out the oh.

6. You sure showed point 2.

Rashdawg utilised a loophole in matchday squad/substitution administration to circumvent Jose’s ageist regime and hammerlegended it.

Roonsquad utilised a loophole in his 30 year decline to provide the assist that Rashdawg himself would have been proud of. Apart from the scuffed cross bit that fluked its way through to Rashdawg. And the hair.

Here’s 5 things we learned ‘under the rain':

1) Rash is life.

2) Not a rash like that time I came back from Thailand.

3) I’m proper fucked I’ll try tomorrow.

4) Can’t wait.

5) Literally didn’t wait.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Hooray for us, we’re quite good again based on the three minutes of highlights I’ve watched from the two games we’ve played against very beatable opposition. Goals are good again (who saw that coming?) as are wins (who knew?) and expensive players. Expensive means best, like when you shop at Marks and Spencer. Everyone knows that.

Prediction: Hull are level on points with United in the Premiership League but are not in any European competitions. They also don’t have an official sustainable energy partner so this makes me doubt that they’re even a proper football team. 6-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Founded in 1536 by Rod and Emu, Hull is largely terrible. Once a thriving industrial powerhouse, it now has some shops, a traffic light (Amber) and a plaque commemorating an event. Persons of note include Clive.

Comics I have read this week:  

Old Man Logan 9: Logan aka James Howlett aka Patch aka Weapon X aka Wolverine is old and from another universe after Earth 616’s Logan was killed by some fucking idiots who didn’t know what they were doing.  Anyway, having adapted to *our* reality, he is now killing people again but they really deserve it so it’s ok.

Uncanny X-Men 11: Magneto leading an X-team? Sabretooth’s a good guy?? What the hey? lol, relax it is all good; they are good guys now/again and having great adventures trying to avoid extinction due to some Terrigen Mist thing which hasn’t been explained yet. Oh yeah and Monet is an Emplate* now.

Uncanny Avengers 12: Ultron has come back and he is still a proper prick. They all try to kill him and Deadpool is an Avenger now.

X-Traordinary X-Men 12: I forget how but Apocalypse again. The story arc has felt rushed from the start and nothing makes any sense but I guarantee it is still better than the film I haven’t watched yet.

*See: some comics

Prediction: Bearing in mind Benno’s salient point that without an official sustainable energy partner, are they an actual football team and totally disregarding everything Brett has ever said ever, Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

With the Hashtag EPL sewn up last week, United can now concentrate on more important things like selling knitted commemorative treble-winning teaspoons, cycle helmets in the shape of United player’s haircuts, and a box-hedging re-enactment of that goalazo-goal-goal goal from that 2015/16 home game, and that. I for one can’t wait to get my hands on a life-sized fridge magnet in the shape of Wilfried Zaha’s night with David Moyes’ daughter, made from authentic human skin.

This dead rubber sees the return of Magic Mike. And who could forget the time he wore those skin-tight balloons? My Uncle who has Alzheimers, that’s who. But only him.

Everything is going really well in my personal and professional life. THANKS FOR ASKING!! Suck on your disappointment.

Prediction: Rashford with his customary two. Ibra – the one trick (being himself) pony – to add to his catalogue of goals just in time for Christmas. Like Argos innit, but with better pens. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANOOOO! Wait them small pens are bookies. Pencils in Argos. *Remember to edit this almost a great a joke out before publishing*. Pogba to finally justify his fee by scoring all the goals since 1883. 0-0 United.

Footballiversity Issue #7 – Footballiverse 89

May

Footballiverse 89 exists in the darkest, dankest, grimiest backwaters of the Footballiversity. Instead of actual football matches, the beautiful game is told through Jonathan Pearce commentating on animal death-matches (features Robot Wars references).

*The disembodied voice of Craig Charles echoes through the ether, accompanied by the sound of young boys banging their hands on sheets of protective plastic

“LET THE RELEGATION BATTLLLLLLLLLLLLE BEGINN!”*

“Thanks, Craig. Today’s battle is a Relegation Death match, five animals go into the ring, and only four can come out. The ginger-haired, gravel-voiced, clarets of Burnley and the well-paid, well-groomed Rs of Queens Park Rangers have already had their blood smeared across the arena floor, their insides sizzled in the flame pits, before being tossed down into the Pit of Oblivion to join the scum of the Championship next year. But who will join them?

“The Black Cat of Sunderland, the Fox of Leicester, and the Villan of Aston are the favourites for the drop, but the Tiger of Hull and the Magpie of Newcastle both have reliability issues and might find themselves being counted out if they’re not careful.”

*Disembodied voice of the voiceover man: “THREE. TWO. ONE. ACTIVATE.”*

“AND IMMEDIATELY THE FOX IS TEARING INTO THE MAGPIE! It has it by the SCRUFF of the neck and it is NOT LETTING GO! The Villan and the Black Cat are doing well early on, but the Tiger looks sluggish.

“Can the Tiger recover? Not at the moment it can’t. KEEP AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z, KEEP AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z (corner patrol zone for our new viewers). Black Cat, Villan, and Fox continue to do well, but Magpie looks to be limping after it’s bought with the Fox, AND THE TIGER STILL HASN’T GOT AWAY FROM THE C-P-Z AND IT IS IN DANGER OF GETTING ATTACKED BY THE HOUSE ANIMALS AND BEING ELIMINATED!

“Black Cat and the Fox look to be trading blows but it seems like a bit of a stalemate, the Magpie and the Tiger STILL don’t look like they’ve got going AT ALL in this fight and it looks like the Black Cat and the Fox will be safe, as well as the Villans. They’ve all done enough on points to see them through should it come to a judges’ decision.

“It comes down to the final moments of the match, but it looks a foregone conclusion, the Tiger needs to pull something out of a hat if it’s to survive BUT NO, BUT NO! THE TURGID TIGER HAS TAKEN A TERRIBLE TURN. IT MAY AS WELL HAVE GIVEN UP! THE MAGPIE, WITH A FINAL LIMPING PUSH OF ITS WING, SHOVES THE TIGER DOWN, DOWN, DOWN INTO THE PIT OF OBLIVION.”

*Disembodied voice of the voiceover man: “CEASE!”*

——————————————–

Footballiversity #8 will be out a week later than usual, on the 8^th of July, because the first Wednesday of July is the 1^st and it’s my birthday the day before.