Bite us.

Here’s another 5 things we learned:

1. Wasn’t there a big row about not being on telly? It is on telly. Lol. What a day.

2. That was the fa cup. Read a fucking book sometime.

3. Not sure you can fit both teams on a telly tbBOOM!!!

4. It’d be nice if you did something.

5. Bite me.

6. I will never bite you.

7. Nice on Brett way to ruin a game by being there.

8. I blame you and you alone for that shambles.

(@Benglorious)

YOU SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TEAM

Prediction:  0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Who the fuck are we playing now? Oh wait is it Brighton? Everyone is moaning about a bottle of wine.

Prediction: Why don’t you just bum Julia Caesar? 0-0 United

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Hey lads! Think you mean WINEing!

Prediction: Might do. The Salad Cunt. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Goals are good.

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!

WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE cup!

Here’s 5 things we learned after our momentous day out at Wemberley:

1. Winning is good when you’re hungover.

2. It’s also good at other times.

3. Can’t decide if Lingard is good or not.

4. I can’t decide if Lingard is bad or not.

5. I remember when I had my fi

6. It’s funny watching everyone cry about us winning. Really, really, satisfyingly funny.

7. This is only here to re-emphasise our 6th point.

(@Benglorious)

If I get time, I’ll do the best Southampton joke there’s ever been. If I don’t get time, I’ll just mention Craig David.

Prediction: I may miss the start of the match so someone will have to fill me in. This is our most important match of the last seven days. Pogba was born to do it. What’s your flava? 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Tried to rename this section as the ‘Claudio Ranieri Tribute Edition’ but was shot down by fascists and scumbags (Brett). The fact this final is still being played is a slap in the face to all that’s decent (Claudio Ranieri) in football and only serves to highlight the ever-widening chasm between the haves and haven’ts (have nots) in our national game – if the spineless FA had any spine, they’d’ve rebadged it as ‘The Ranieri Final and thanks for winning the league that time’ but I guess modern football has no time for heroes.

We’re playing Southampton, a town famous for sinking the Titanic.

Claudio Ranieri (2017)

What a fairytale i.e. unbelievable. Born in 1951, he is a year younger than my dad. Has my dad ever won the league? No. Should he have? Yes. Good one, Dad. All my clothes now have his initials on (Claudio’s. I’m not weird) That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Throw-ins. Few corners/goal kicks/freekicks. No pens. 2-0 United, Ibra brace/booked for revealing new Claudio Ranieri back tattoo.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I am completely behind the renaming of this this section the ‘Claudio Ranieri Tribute Edition’, and not to point fingers but who is the one who has not (hasn’t) written anything i.e is the fascist and is the scumbag (Benno).

I have done all the research on Southampton and it has proved rewarding. When the North, East, West and South of Ampton split following the great Ampton Splitting In To Four Parts War of the early 1100s, it was widely thought that in 2017 someone with all that time to prepare would be able to write a preview joke.

Prediction: 90 minutes of pure time. Plus a few more minutes where appropriate. Pens. If appropriate. 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

m

Prediction: Brett to be so wrong he’s convicted of high treason, which, luckily, is still punishable by death. Welbeck with his customary two, Rojo penalised, no sign of Falcao. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Let me say something that might shock you: I ruddy love Hull. Amidst a field of giants – Rod, Ship’s, by very loose association the savoury hoop – the City of Hull* really stands out. Its postcode is HU and its time zone is Greenwich Mean Time. Other valuable websites are www.hullcc.gov.uk and it is the UK’s 2017 City of Culture. Assuming the last one is for the purposes of a joke we don’t get.

*ranked 58th

The film review feature is again sadly absent because I’ve been too ruddy worried to watch films. God Bless.

Prediction: Brett to be bang wrong. 3-0 United. The scorers? You decide! For Ibra, turn to page 23, for Mkhitaryan, turn to page 48. For Wayne Rooney, colour in the circle on page 2. Try and stay in the lines.

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

What can we say about Hull that hasn’t already been said. I’ll tell you what we can say about Hull that hasn’t already been said, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! BECAUSE WE PLAY THEM EVERY SODDING DAY OF THE RUDDY YEAR FFS.

Prediction: Tom and Benno to say something we’ve said before because of the thing I said about there being absolutely nothing to say about them that hasn’t been said before, on account of us playing them every sodding day of the ruddy etc 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

Hopefully we can shake off the last two cup defeats suffered by Liverpool, which ended all their hopes of silverware this season, and stick it right up Wigan. I just get the strange feeling that Liverpool’s current plight may raise the spirits at Old Trafford, even amongst the fans.

m

Prediction: Martial to do that thing he does sometimes and also Pogba to do that thing that he does sometimes. I like the vague ambiguity of this as both of those players have had good moments and bad moments this season so my prediction can’t really be wr

 (@tom_mcghee)

Having suffered back to back cup defeats if we were Liverpool, today’s game has taken on extra significance; if we win this, we win the cup. Of course that’s nonsense but perhaps that isn’t even the real issue here –  with Liverpool’s valiant exit, it begs the question ‘is the FA Cup even worth winning at all after it was devalued by evil Manchester United literally years ago but lets mention it all the same?’ Twitter’s Piers Morgan certainly feels it isn’t but then he is Spam (the meat product not the email) given sentience and a neck-tie so maybe we should just disregard everything he ever says, ever.

Wigan is a town with a pier in the north I think. To read more about the road to Wigan Pier, may I suggest The Road to Wigan Pier by George Orwell.

There will be no review section this week in a show of solidarity with Liverpool’s brave defiance in the face of cup competition. May God have Mersey (mercy) on their Scouse souls.

Prediction:  Anti-goals is the new goals, expect a deluge of not quite goals – Ibra to miss 4 or 5, Wayne missing spectacularly with an 86th minute chip, anti-goal of the month imho.

 (@bifurcated_utd)

It’s great to see that us great United fans can concentrate on ourselves and not Liverpool losing so hard and rise above the petty nonsense of mentioning Liverpool losing so hard. Unlike the Liverpool fans, off the back of losing so hard, always banging on about us, even when they’re losing so hard. I missed the Liverpool cup games … what were the scores?

Originally formed in 1903, Wigan Pie-eating and Proud Northern Cunts changed their name towards the end of the last century, to represent exercise, after the local council, on an away day to The South, discovered healthy people.

Rooney should play for Wigon, lol cos Wig on. That wasn’t a typo. It was on purpose. For jokes. It’s like air to me. I can’t stop myself. Make me.

Prediction: I’m only joking Wigan. I have lots of family friends from Wigan. All unhealthy and love pies. I forgot my point. 0-0 United.

CAPS LOCK AND VARIOUS BUTTONS ON MY COMPUTER HAVE LEGIT GONE TO SHIT> SEND HELP> CAN”T EVEN DO PUNCTUATION> FUCK MY LIFE>

Here’s 5 things we learned, which were written before the buttons issue above:

1. Pogba is bad.

2. #Pogba is worse.

3. Hope we long ball our way to next season’s Champions League Final.

4. Klopp is a speccy twat.

5. Watching Wayne play is no longer funny on any level, feels like actual cruelty.

6. How did you know there was going to be a buttons iss