Prediction: Goals for Lukaku and Big Dunc. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

David Moyes sure does it bad.

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Aliens (1986)

James Cameron recreates Avatar (2009) shot-for-shot but before that and with good suspense and much better aliens. Hang on, is that why it’s called Aliens? I guess we’ll never know. Game over, man. That aside, pretty good.

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Prediction: One of three outcomes: win, lose or double lose i.e. play Fellaini as a serious footballer and not a fucking clownshoe. 0-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

When I last watched football I was a balding, lonely, 38 year old man, with just two clowns for not-in-real-life-just-on-the-internet friends … and look at me now!!

I’d like to reiterate how nice it would be if someone were to take Tom to the football today. Someone a bit murdery, or with murderous tendencies preferable.

Call me an old fashioner, but I like it when we have all the players i.e when we don’t have to pick a team that loses to Everton cos Ibrahimovic and Mourinho.

Prediction: We pick a team that loses to Everton cos Ibrahimovic and Mourinho. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Fantastic scenes as I probably won’t be watching the match due to me going to Mexico to catch the Zika virus. May still be able to watch it with a tiny head, but scientists are unclear at this point in time.

Opposition Summary: The yellow fever mosquito (Aedes Aegypti) can be recognized by white markings on its legs and a marking in the form of a lyre on the upper surface of the thorax. The mosquito originated in Africa but is now found in tropical and subtropical regions throughout the world. Aedes Aegypti is a vector for transmitting several tropical fevers. Only the female bites for blood, which she needs to mature her eggs. She can fuck right off.

Prediction: Two weeks of paranoia about any flying insect and everything tasting of bug spray. That aside, pretty good. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

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 Brett(@tack@tack@tack)

Brett’s account of Friday night:

[FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

There was something I wanted to tell Benno before he went away but I can’t remember for the life of me what it was. Can’t have been important…

Anyway, jokes on them towels, cos there is footage from Friday in the form of a drunken selfie, I don’t remember taking, but if I post it on here I will lose all respect and also my job. Lol @ respect.

Aedes Aegypti with a brace.

Prediction: 0-0 United, Nasri, Rooney, Danny, other tired jokes. Benno to get the Zako virus (comes back over ‘ere and takes all our jobs) and us all to laugh. That aside, pretty good.

Aaaah, I just remembered the thing I wanted to tell Benno … I used all his bug spray when I ran out of basil, when I was cooking his farewell tea at us “house” the other night. But it’s okay cos I refilled it with acid and piss and blood.