@Benglorious)

I am at a family barbecue, so I will keep this brief or I will get in serious trouble. Not from my family, from Brett for trying to kill him for the twelfth time this month.

Prediction: McGregor to win by TKO unless Mayweather knocks him the fuck out. Lukaku to travel to Dagobah for much-needed somersault training. 4-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Win or lose, I’m the worst. Dunno why I even bother doing plumbs never mind previews.

Prediction: Goals for that guy, and also one for that other guy. 4-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

Having studied the minutest minutae of every minute of the last two games, I have noticed a definite pattern emerging in the scorelines that the mainstream media channels appear reluctant to acknowledge. I will share my findings on my new site minutestminuteminutae.eu, post brexit.

Prediction: Goals, goals, goals and more goals. Even the goals to score goals. Hashtag Goals! 0-0 United.

Football??!! Bloody hell!!! That’s mine. Last week we were all crying into our pot noodles and beating our loved ones with a rolling pin. And this week we’re making merry and beating our loved ones with a rolling pin but apologising afterwards.

United. United. United. In that order. Innit. Hashtag GGMU.

Here’s 5 things we learned about our heroes in red* *Sometimes white, and sometimes whatever the other colour is, I’m gonna say pink, cos that’s just a nightmare waiting to happen for the kit cleaners/women:

1. Thought it conspicuous that a lot of Wayne’s detractors remained silent after today’s performance (his best for a while imho, give or take the last 8 mins).

3. Pretty sure Wayne would’ve saved Gray’s effort tbh.

6) Actually watched most of this one. Pretty sure it was written by JJ Abrams.

2. Your face is written b

*That’s funny cos the middle bit where it says ‘Week Uno’ is in white, so you can’t see what it says. What it says, I guess we’ll never know.

This isn’t just a lazy/crass cut and paste of our “best” Twitter bits…

It is. Bite us.

“I despaired when Brett, who shall remain nameless, said we had to do this review, but that was only until I realised how little effort was required. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ A perfect summer blockbuster!! Would read again.” – B. Glorious, LA Times

“Can’t believe that Brett, who shall remain nameless, didn’t even take the time to embed the tweets in the hope of maximising our #numbers, thus clinching that big money sponsorship from a bookmaker’s that every internetter craves. That aside, pretty good.” – T. McGhee, Exchange & Mart

“You’re all fucking idiots.” – P. R. Antcast, Guns & Ammo

Another game, another point proven, made, gotten and proven. Did we say proven? We’ve forgotten the point. In this game, again, The Universe provided us with irrefutable evidence that the baddies always win, so ultimately what’s the point in remembering points anyway, if you get our point…

Just realised Schneiderlin reminds me of an old friend, Andy. Wonder what that guy is up to? Wonder if he’s forgiven me yet for sleeping with his girlfriend. He was always a stickler for tradition. Great times. Might give him a FB poke like it’s olden times…

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Here’s 5 things we’ve learned this weekend:

a) Tom is a flash in the pan fancy boy.

B) Drawing is better than losing.

3) Painting is better than drawing.

d) Shoes are Wayne but Wayne was also the match.

5) We’re disgusted Vardy is mentioned in the same breath as Ruud Van Horeilface.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

I haven’t been these excited to read the next installment of something since Andy McNab mentioned Charlie Three-One down, which incidentally is going to be United at halftime. Lol, as if we can score one goal. Anyway, I’ve remembered my point this time: Installments (I figured it out by reading over the stuff that I had written already. Really wish someone had told me how to do that before, then I wouldn’t be in so much trouble with the U.N.). Tom’s installments of his teeth-grindingly, fist-bitingly, hair-pulling-outily good previews. You’d almost believe he had some sort of degree in English or something. Let’s find out what happens next…

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Opposition summary: Leicester are a bad side that are doing good. Not in their community or on an international humanitarian scale, good footballs. Vardy, their top goalman, is on course today to set a new record of something or other so you know he’s mustard. English, obvs – none of that liquid plastic American shite.

Prediction:  Tom to bottle it by claiming via Whatsapp that he’s got a girl at his house so would prefer to waste his Saturday with her rather than keep climbing towards that prize for books thing that Dom loves so much he kisses it every night before bed. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Benno was right.

Prediction:  

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 Brett(@entionstarved)

Lol @ us.

Prediction: Idgi.