*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’ve actually been to Stamford Bridge a few times, and a couple of those were even to watch that football thing that so many people know and love.  I’ve seen Eric get booked for scoring an outrageous lob on Boxing Day and I’ve also seen Rooney miss a penalty in the League Cup, but that one was for Everton so nobody cares.  Now that I think about it, United have a 100% record (P-1 W-1 D-0 L-0 GF-3 GA-2 Pts-3) away at Chelsea when I’m at the match so things bode very well for the next encounter.

[Phone rings: YO!……  Sorry, Mum, it’s my new answering thing.  Cool, innit?……  It means “isn’t it” but it’s shorter…… Yeah, I suppose it is already shortened.  Never really thought about it befo…  Anyway, stop distracting me with grammar stuff.  What do you want?……  Sorry, Mum; what can I do for you today, my wonderful and beautiful sire?……  I’m not taking the piss……  Well I’m sorry you feel like that, but I’m not…….  FFS…… Yeah, I know you know what that means……  Why?  Because it’s quicker to type and Brettney doesn’t allow swear words on here……  Yes, Mother, I know what “meta” means; that’s the joke……  Well, you think Mrs Brown’s Boys is funny so I’m not taking advice on comedy from you.  Good day, madam……  I SAID “GOOD DAY”.]

Turns out United are at home, and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t be going as I’m barred from Fulham due to a pending libel case involving Al Fayed over a previous preview from before in the past.  Chelsea players to watch out for are Kerry Dixon, Adrian Mutu and John Terry’s dad.  Wink, wink, sniff.  Allegedly.

Prediction:  After masterminding a resounding victory against the Baggies last week, Vangle will be looking to keep the momentum going.  His team will not disappoint.  Medium Angel will get his first goal-setting-up pass of the season that isn’t a scuffed shot, when his delightful dinked through-ball is thwacked into the roof of the net by Medium Robin.  Medium Juan will pull himself out of his recent funk by doing one of those boner kicks that have been on the Twitter all week, leaving the Chelsea keeper gaping open-mouthed as the ball sails over his head into top bangs.  Medium Marcos will have Diego Costa so deep in his pocket during the match that the Spanish striker will be choking on lint and five pence pieces for ninety minutes.  Medium Janners Aye will finish up the scoring with ten minutes to go with a towering diving header, also into top bangs.  1-0 Chelsea.

This week’s recipient of the acrostic-love is Rafael Pereira da Silva, more commonly know as Rafael.  This is lucky for me as that surname is far too long for someone of my limited vocabulary.  Besides, he’s only little and there aren’t any pictures of him that are big enough to fit the acrostic in.

Rafael, 24, lists his interests as wrestling, millinery and Fabio (the model/actor).

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I was at Stamford Bridge when Chelsea got relegated. By Middlesborough. They were a lot funnier then.

Prediction: United to win 2-1 because Mourinho leaves 85 minutes early. This blatant disrespect backfires as Chelsea forget it’s a real game and spectacularly collapse due to internal strife after an incident at their weekly quiz night (Spock is only HALF Vulcan).

This should’ve been longer and had more jokes but I’m saving all the best other two for the MBMBM thing.

Ed.- You should’ve been longer and had more jokes.

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Brett:

What else can we say about Mourinho and Chelsea that hasn’t been said before? Well, for a start, thirteen minutes before every other away game, Mourinho selects members of the squad out of an oversized hat (a bit like the one that Dr. Seuss lent Robbie’s brother, Pharrell) – how they all fit in there, is anyone’s guess. Those picked are then forced to rest pickled eggs, tween their torso and toppy arm bit – in the pit of the arm if you will, if only sciencers had given this area an appropriate name – and then the players who manage to keep said pickled egg intact (after formal inspection by former, or possibly current kit man Garry Grey) for the first 45 minutes, plus stoppages, of the match, are given a free ticket for the club’s Christmas meat raffle. Those who go on to protect the pickled egg until the end of the full ninety minutes, plus stoppages, get a basket of pot-pourri, Jose has prepared and put together himself.  And how about the cocktail umbrellas the Chelsea players are instructed to put up and carry around with their opposite hand (easier for those in the squad who are amphibious) during training sessions played in heavy rain, so that Jose can serenade them with a reinterpretation of the theme tune from Jossy’s Giants, imaginatively entitled, Jose’s Giants, with Bryan Robson on keyboards. We’ll not get into the hedgehog crisp tiddlywinks champion ship they sail around Chelsea harbour. None of these things are of course true, but they are three things that have never been said about Mourinho and Chelsea before. Which was the thing I was doing.

As Leyton Orient fan Jon Bongiovi noted in his unforgettably hugely massive big hit Midnight in Chelsea based on the really real life real occasion he was kicked out of Stamford Bridge for aggressive hair: I’ve seen a lone, sloane ranger drive. And haven’t we all. Let’s hope Vangle has taken heed.

As for Manchester United: quite the conundrum. ‘Specially, what with conundrums only normally consisting of nine letters. Anyway, fingers on buzzers: start the clock…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-d

*BUZZ*

GOT IT! Ahhhh! Eat my brain on toast! All bow down to my wordsmithery … ‘Humanist Centre’! Oh, now wait, gah, not enough letters. I didn’t want to play this stupid game anyway. Okay…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

*BUZZ*

‘Decennatherium’! Bless you. Not even sure if that’s a word that exists and means an extinct genus of giraffidae (I dunno, I just copied and pasted it), and not enough letteYou’ve panned and filled for long enough now.

Doodoo-doodoo-diddlydum-dooooooooo.

Prediction: Susie Dent with her customary 7.

All together now…

HAVE WE SIGNED MATA YET?!

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