(@Benglorious)

We’re back, baby, like shit trainers and herpes. This time things will be different, though. Taking a leaf from the Athletic’s journalistic model means we now have writers at the top of their game, articles with fancy words (like herpes) that will be professionally researched, and also the most cutting-edge, up-to-date news anywhere.

Prediction: United 4-0 Chelsea 

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

We are so new and cutting edge and professionally researched now it’s like we’re an athlete or something also FREE PRIZE DRAW for everyone who reads this. Idiosyncratic.

Crystal Palace is an area in London much like Buckingham or Hampton Court ie Palatial and everyone who lives there is the despised upper class – a victory today would be a win for the working man everywhere although mainly those from Manchester.

Prediction: let’s just hope we don’t get a penalty hey guys !!! But seriously, can’t see anything other than a comfortable win or defeat today.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got Athlete’s Foot. Hope that helps.

My Cousin’s Fiance went to school with Harry Maguire, and has asked if I can mention it on that “weird blog thing you do”. There. Thank me. When the wedding is called off in 4-6 months. And you’re crying yourself to death.

Prediction: Do I really have to read this to enter in to the FREE PRIZE DRAW? I’ll pass. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Remember that time we beat Chelsea because Herrera stood on top of their best player for the whole match like a tiny Spanish hat? Well, today we’re fucked because Ander’s only gone and got himself a terminal injury as per BT Sport’s insightful commentary team.

Maybe we could just try and beat them without resorting to cheating. Maybe we could just try scoring goals. Maybe we could just try scoring a goal. Maybe I could give Batman v Superman another chance.

Prediction: Mourinho and Conte to stop fighting and become friends because their mums have the same name. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Definitely looking forward to this game, especially our free-flowing and dynamic attacking play and all the goals those guys score. And hey, even if our magnificent attack has a rare off day, I’m sure our heroic and determined defence can resist any and all Chelsea attacks. Failing that, we can always blame/praise Paul Pogba. who may or may not be ill/getting a haircut

Twelve Monkeys (2015-2163)

Remember the film with Bruce Willis where he goes back in time to change the future? This is nothing like Looper. It is like that film where Bruce Willis goes back in time and changes the future but fails ie Twelve Monkeys. After that bit, it is nothing like Twelve Monkeys. Oh confused would we? Yes. Yes we would. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Marty McFly to be spinning in his futuristic grave pod, 0-0 stamped all over it. Nasri for Rooney. Use the word ‘Attack” more imho OMG am *I* a time-traveller?

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Jose Mourinho used to manage Chelsea. This simple fact, in and of itself, creates more material than a quasi-futuristic website can shake a polaroid picture at. Probably. Tbf both things sound made up: A dry expanse of water in the middle of London town?! And a Portuguese live sex show with a fire engine theme?! Both things have now aroused me.

Prediction: Maybe I’ll watch the whole back catalogue of Take That and Robbie Williams hits on YouTube, celebrating 20 years of Robbie from 1990 to 2010.  0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: With Jones out, injured by Smalling, and Smalling out, injured by Jones, Mourinho has a real defensive dilemma on his hands which he can easily fix by replacing the unavailable pair with two other defenders. Mata is also out because he’s hurt his winky, which pretty much guarantees a start for Fellaini, which pretty much guarantees three points. Point one, finesse is right out. Point two, goals are right out. Point three, I’m going right out. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Made a path today. Only for the side of the house where no-one goes but the service engineer moaned last time so its basically just for him, the selfish cunt. Went for a rustic effect by using bricks I found in the outside walls of my own house, then tied it all together with pea-shingle and kiln sand (special sand, you’ve probably never heard of it in your London ivory towers). Looked pretty good to be honest, solid 8/10. That’ll be £600.

Logan (2017)

As close to my actual real life as a fictional film can be, I really liked it when he killed people brutally in their faces with his adamantium claws. Richard E Grant is terrible but you have to admire his consistency. The exact opposite of London = Bad, this was actually very good.

Prediction: 1-1. Lol, because of all the draws. Its not that funny. Brett to get Graham Gooch inspired hair plugs.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

When I last watched football I was a balding, lonely, 38 year old man, with just two clowns for not-in-real-life-just-on-the-internet friends … and look at me now!!

I’d like to reiterate how nice it would be if someone were to take Benno to the football today. Someone a bit murdery, or with murderous tendencies preferable.

Call me an old fashioner, but I like it when we have all the players i.e when we don’t have to pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini.

Really hope Tom falls my service engineer April Fool and makes a path for the side of the house where no-one goes. This is Paul.

Prediction: We pick a team that loses to West Bromwich Albion cos Rooney and Fellaini. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

.

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)