*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

Winning cups >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not winning cups.

Here’s the final final five things us learned this season:

1. Hearing rumours Mourinho might be new Manager.

2. Pardew has stolen Ross and Monica’s Dad’s moves.

3. I liked it when Jesse scored the goal that won us the cup. It was like the opposite thing that happened to Liverpool the other day.

4. Remember when Wayne did that acting? lol.

5) Didn’t watch it.

At least we’re now seeing more goals than a tin of Scholes. Though we’re scoring less goals than a tin of Roondogs from Aldi. With less defence than a french garden without a fence. And seeing more useless passes than an event that gives out free passes that no-one actually wants to attend.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) I like Norwich’s kit.

2) I don’t like Kylo Ren

3) Cameron Jerome is an equilateral rhombus.

4) Chelsea next week, with Mourinho in charge, is going to cause Sky Sports to implode.

5) Fingers crossed.

6) Making the 5 red makes us look well professional.