@Benglorious)

It’s so much easier to write a decent preview after we’ve won the previous game.

Prediction: Lukaku to continue his development by kissing his sister and then hitting the winner into the exhaust port. 3-1, United

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Cannot do words today. I am a conscientious objector over Swansea’s role in Vietnam. Damn them, damn them straight to hell.

Prediction: Two goals, one for the each of you. 0-0 United 

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(@bifurcated_utd)

I also can not do words today. Though I deplore Swansea’s role in Vietnam, I could never turn my back on our fans, in the way that Tom has – which ironically makes Tom just as bad as Swansea imho, only with emotions and not eating faces off of living people after breaking their arms with your wings.

I’m at a wedding in Poland and this message has already taken me 23mins to send, cos the internet in the farming village of Zszszszszszszov is Polish.

Prediction: On the dance floor in one hour dancing with someone’s grandma to Polish chart hits i.e anything from our charts mid-80s i.e standard wedding hits in us country i.e hashtag win. In two hours, more shots. In two hours and 10 mins, bedtime.