(@Benglorious)

I am unable.

Prediction: Brett will hope to find the last Arsenal preview where he hopes I also said I am unable but will actually find something annoyingly passable as a preview so will just copy and paste from my WhatsApp message where I said I am unable 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I too am unable tell your words to suck it.

Just copy and paste from whenever we last played arsenal imho of the first time we played arsenal or any time we played arsenal.

Prediction: Brett will hope to find the last Arsenal preview where he hopes I also said just copy and paste from whenever we last played arsenal imho of the first time we played arsenal or any time we played arsenal and will actually find something annoyingly passable as a preview so will just copy and paste from my WhatsApp message where I said Just copy and paste from whenever we last played arsenal imho of the first time we played arsenal or any time we played arsenal. 0 – 0 United.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

I went first last week with my prediction and was abso humiliated, so, I refuse to go first this time. Oh. Fuck. Think if I was pushed I could pick just one single hole in my plan; it was in going first, and thinking they might be doing a prediction, and then realising they cba’d.

Prediction: More magic. More goals. Less Paddy Power using Ole’s beautiful face. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

We can legit just copy and paste last week’s preview while Brett is in Poland: Brett is in Poland so we have no natural leader or a jokes.

Prediction:  0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

As above. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m in Poland. In minus 26 temperatures. Survival is my priority.

Prediction: Death. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

.

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)

Benno (@Benglorious)

By the time you two read this, I will be dead.

I don’t know what’s gone wrong here.  That worked so much better in my head with completely different words.

Anyway, Arsenal are the visitors tonight for this FA Cup match.  As this is the first time that United and Arsenal will have met in this competition, there’s no history to compare anything to unless you compare it to a completely different facet of history:  When our Neanderthal ancestors left Africa roughly 135,000 years ago, they adapted to the pathogens in their European environment, unlike modern humans who adapted toGONE!  By the time you two read this, I will be gone.  Gone to Jamaica.  That’s what it was supposed to be.  I’m in Jamaica right now is what I’m saying, and I’ll probably return the petty cash** when I get back from Jamaica, which is where I am.  Jamaica.  You’d both hate it here.  In Jamaica.

**Dependant upon exchange rates and the price of Bob Marley ashtrays.

Prediction:  Di Maria will finally discover that the reason he was playing so badly is that he was in my fantasy team this whole time.  He’ll then realise that the FA Cup doesn’t count towards the Fantasy Premiership League and this will set the doubts creeping back in again.  Vangle, sitting on his platinum throne atop a black onyx plinth in the exact centre of the dressing room, will notice all of this going through Angel’s mind and beckon him over with an almost imperceptible head movement.  After several minutes of deferential listening, Di Maria will stand up and the rest of the squad will notice the purpose in the set of his shoulders, the rekindled fire in his eyes and the urgency in his stride out to the pitch.  Vangle will allow himself a knowing smile before turning to Giggs and saying: “It begins”.  1-0 Arsenal.

This guy couldn’t be found for an interview, but several people have assured me that he is an actual United player.  I reckon his favourite things would include VO5 hot oil, the Citroen Picasso and apples:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

“Who says a jazz band can’t play dance music?
Who says a rock band can’t play funky?
Who says a funk band can’t play rock? Oh yeah
We’re gonna play some funk so loud
We’re gonna rock ‘n’ roll the crowd
Just watch them dance, watch them dance”

Louis Van Gaal, 9th March 2015

Prediction: What Benno and Brett said, but without the words. Jamaica is for jazz flutists. And the last time there was any magic in a cup it got Cedric Diggory killed and we all had to put up with R-Patz and Team Jacob. So think on.

.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

We learned this week that when Arsene Wenger holds a football boot up to his ear he hears United players celebrating from that game against Arsenal, when Giggsy scored that runny-runny-hard-kick-right-in-the-net goal.

Wenger was in sentimental mood as he later recalled the infamous wine bottle incident from his brief appearance in Big Brother 6:

“There are cameras everywhere, that means basically we are always spied on, from morning until night, and that is a little bit less freedom to go over the line sometimes.

Even if it is 10 years later or 15 years later, people will be less inclined to do it today because they think, ‘oh, for the rest of my life that could come out, so I won’t do it’.”

Anyway… kicky sport …

I didn’t see it and couldn’t be bothered to read anything about it either before forming a very unhelpful opinion about those disgraceful FA Cup scenes at Villa Park at the weekend. If someone’s going to empty a whole bag of space raiders* all over the pitch then they should be made to pick up every single last one of them, and none of the fans responsible should be allowed to go home until they have. Littering > Spitting.

I remember I did the ‘by the time you read this I will be dead’ joke, the first time I had a beer.

Prediction: The giant FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical magician to magically lift the last giant magic paper cup with his giant magical hands to reveal he had magically hidden all the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, magical goals from the magical FA Cup, sponsored by magic, quarter finals at Old Trafford. 0-0.

*often referred to incorrectly as space ‘invaders’ by people. You had to be there.