Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)

Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8^th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9^th and 14^th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16^th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

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“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

Ben (Benglorious):

Not really sure if there’s any point writing anything today.  Liverpool are cruising to the title as we speak, and I’m pretty sure that is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.  Don’t quote me on that; it’s been a while since I read that Bible thing.  I suppose I should fulfil my contractual obligations to this website, before I spend the rest of my Bank Holiday finding a cheap lawyer to get me out of said contract.  Wonder if Paul Stretford does pro bono?  Why would anyone be pro-Bono?  The man’s so smug and self-righteous that I can’t even think of a half-decent analogy.

David Moyes has done pretty well this season, even after losing last season’s top goalscorer.  He’s had his poor moments, let’s be honest, but to still be challenging near the top of the table with the squad he’s got needs commend…

[Phone rings: “Hello?…. The United manager?!…. Since when?….. But what about Fergie?….. END OF LAST SEASON?! Jebus….. Then who…. The Wigan manager?….. Yup…. Yup….. Mmmhmmm….. I know, I know…. They asked ME to write for THEM, it’s not my fault that I know nothing about football, but having Moyes in charge would explain a lot about this season….. ……. ……. ……. …… …… …… I’ve tried, Mum, I don’t think enough people read this to be honest, and most people have laptops nowadays so they wouldn’t need your monitor…. Personally, I’d bin it, but I’m sure Oxfam would love it sitting on their shelf for 6 months before they throw it in the bin…. Sorry, you’ve thrown me a bit with that Fergie stuff….. Yup, I’ll keep trying…. Okay, then.  I’ll see you next Tuesday…..  Sorry!  I didn’t think you’d know what that meant.  Anyway, gotta go.  Love you, mummy.”]

Players to watch out for today would’ve included Fellaini, but apparently he plays for us now.

Prediction:  This is obviously a bigger game for the Toffees than for United, as they’ve got a realistic chance of finishing fourth.  That doesn’t mean that we should just hand them the game, and I fully expect Rooney to score from 117 yards against his old club, before Welbz zup zups his way through the Everton defence to slot a goal of the season contender all whilst De Gea throws himself about at the other end like Dr Octopus fighting Spiderman AND Green Goblin to keep the unlikeliest of clean sheets under immense pressure.  1-0 Everton.

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Free to a good home:  Rotary washing line, pegs not included.

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About the author:  I need to stop using Soccer AM for my research.

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Brett:

When we look back on this season, taking all things into account, we will no doubt look at the job David Moyes has done and realise just how good a manager he really is. He’s done amazingly well to shape the tired squad he was left with by his long serving Scottish predecessor. The way the previous manager had shaped the club tactically and mentally, meant he had his work cut out to put his own unique stamp on things, but he’s managed it seemingly effortlessly. The Fellaini transfer was an absolute masterstroke – never has a team needed a bold statement of intent like that to really push on and introduce a new, more dynamic, dimension to their attacking play.  He’s taken the step up in his stride: he always looked capable of going on to manage at a higher level, and he’s really shown that.

Oh, David Moyes is our manager, isn’t he?! I keep forgetting. Okay, the first paragraph still stands: just substitute David Moyes out for Roberto Martinez. I’d forget my neck if David Moyes hadn’t made me repeatedly smash it against a brick wall for the past 7 months. My head went a little bit before that.

So, will he play the triangle, or won’t he?! Personally, I think if he’s going to play anything at his leaving do, it should be the trombone.

Prediction: Manchester United to put in a complaint to the Premier League, stating that teams have been at an unfair advantage going into games against us knowing beforehand how rubbish we are, and they agree to play the whole season again.