Benno (@Benglorious)

Oh right, interviews is the gag this week is it? Well here’s my interview with Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America:

ME: Hi, Steve. Can I call you ‘Steve’?

CA: I’d prefer ‘Captain’ or ‘Cap’.

ME: Ok, Steve. Are you a United or a Leicester fan?

CA: No, I don’t follow British sports.

ME: Great stuff, Steve. You’re one of the most celebrated heroes on the planet. To what would you dedicate your unbelievable success?

CA: Drugs.

Opposition Summary:  Leicester are a one-man team but with eleven of them instead of one. Two are the best ones but one isn’t playing because he’s a bit rude. If they stay up this season, I’ll try and learn some of their names for next time. They play in, oh my goodness this is so unexpected, blue shirts.

Prediction: Memphis to cause an upset by throwing out an old newspaper that’s got a picture of Luke Shaw in it probably. Goals for Rasherz, Roonz and Lingz ensure Vangle gets to see out the remainder of his contract. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

With Arsenal having wrapped the title up weeks ago, United’s CL place assured and Leicester writhing in traditional mid to lower table mediocrity, this game is legit pointless. With this in mind, I thought I’d take a look at Leicester and their curious affiliation with Foxes (I drove through Leicestershire twice last weekend and didn’t see but one fox). Thanks to our contacts within the game (Paul Ansorge), I was able to secure an interview with Richard Leicester (the founder of Leicester) and asked him the question: Why?

TM: Richard, interesting surname – is that where you got the idea for Leicester the town?

RL: Yes. Yes it is. Interesting I mean, the name thing is purely coincidental.

TM: Let’s cut to it, Dick – why Foxes? I’ve done my research and in terms of fox demographics, it makes little sense.

RL: Turns out we’re famous for fox-hunting, that most traditional of the ‘working man’ sports – we’ve been playing the Post Horn Galop at home matches since 1941.

TM: So your mascot, Filbert Fox – and to a lesser extent the secondary characters of Vickie Vixen and Cousin Dennis – would actually have been torn to pieces by hounds and Tories?

RL: Yes.

TM: Do you like Glacier mints?

RL: No,

TM: You sicken me*

Serenity (2005)

Like Firefly but longer and with more money, Serenity charts the voyages of the…Serenity…as it goes through space having adventures and that. The bad guys are the Empire but also Ewoks although in this case the Ewoks are less cuddly bears and more humans gone proper wrong who just kill everyone and eat them. The good guys are ruddy great (their captain was once a mere janitor in a Community college) and Steve the Pirate flies the ship – more like Steve the PILOT!!!! hahaha. Also River has mad skillz yo. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: No-one to believe my Richard Leicester interview even though it happened for realsies. United to spoil the party. For themselves. By losing. 2-0 United, Memphis hat-trick (of mistakes) Nasri for Rooney

*You may notice the seemingly random use of ‘bold’ in the initials in the interview. Don’t.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

I have a scoop of my own: an exclusive interview with Juan Mata goal fan, Vanilla Ice (real name Mr Vanilla Ice)…

BA: My initials are good innit?

VI: Quite good.

BA: Your initials are the number six in old money.

VI: Never really thought about it.

BA: Did you notice I used the word six, as opposed to the number six, cos word count.

VI: I did not notice that.

BA: Thank you for your kind words.

Prediction: Yet another game eating in to my precious status anxiety ridden day in bed listening to three Embrace songs* on a loop WhatsApping people I know pretending I have every intention of meeting up with them sometime soon. 0-0 United.

*Out of Nothing, Fireworks, Drawn from Memory. Obvs.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Think I should just put the Photoshop away for a bit.

 0-0 United.

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Just carry on to read Brett’s. Nothing to see here.

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  Brett (@ease)

We’re hopefully coming to the business end of the business. Will we? Won’t we? How long will it last? How long’s a piece of cake? Who shot E.R? What? All questions.

By the time you’ve read this we may have signed someone to take the burden off of Skipper Roo’s pork shoulders. Juan Touch would be nice. Eat it.

I want a new profile picture.

Newcastle will provide the opposition. Failure to do so will result in a 60 euro fine. Though if they respond before the date on the reverse of this preview, that fine may be reduced to 30 euro.

Prediction: Danny with two custard creams. Steve McClaren will put two rabbits on his head, so from a distance it looks like he’s dutch. If Skipper Roo continues to play where he left the pitch after the last game we’ll no doubt get the result you deserve. 0-0.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

What a week of stuff and things we’ve had in England.  Chelsea scored an overall majority of goals in the politics so the country’s screwed for five or two or one years maybe three but probably no more than fifteen, some Taurus won the Premiership League despite nobody in the whole of the world voting for him, and someone gave their baby a name after stealing it off their mum and a spider.

Worse news was to follow when it was confirmed yesterday that United will be moving to Memphis at the end of the season Depay off some of their debt HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Best joke I’ve ever seen on this website tbh.  This Memphis lad is a very special talent based on the forty seconds of highlights we’ve all watched, but the real test will be if he can extrapolate that into ninety minutes.  I’m doubtful, but I wouldn’t be unhappy to see him score 2400 goals every game.

Prediction: United are in a massive slump having lost their last six hundred games in a row and only scoring minus-eighty goals in that period.  Ha.  “Period”.  Vangle knows we need somewhere between two and thirty points from our final three games to secure a place in next season’s UEFA Champions Collection of Small Groups Which Then Progresses To Two-Leg Knockout Stages Except For The Final Oh And There’s Also Knockout Qualifying Rounds Before The Groups So It Should Never Have Been Called A League, so today’s team selection will reflect his determination to get the job done nice and early and not wait until the very end of the season like some idiot.  Falcao finally finds some form as him and De Gea switch positions in what turns out to be the most genius tactic since Einstein was the first to fill in the middle square in noughts and crosses.  Dave bags two goals, sets up Roonface for a third and gets a standing ovation as he is subbed off with five minutes to go.  Falcao, after a couple of nervous mistakes, settles down to give a masterclass in goalkeeping:  one-on-ones, dinks, top bang screamers, ackerpings, shanks, bananas, ricochets….  Nothing gets past him.  Nothing.  1-0 Palace.

Memphis Depay’s first media interview after agreeing to join United this week was always going to be a big scoop amongst the world’s media outlets.  There were none more surprised than me when I opened the door of Bifurcated Towers on Thursday afternoon and came face to face with our newest signing, grinning from ear to ear and carrying a gift of a KFC Family Bucket.  I invited him in to watch Doctors, and we soon got into the topics that everyone was waiting to hear about:  His favourite things are the sound of a snapping candle, Bonsai, and that bit from Crocodile Dundee where he throws the tin at the bag-snatcher – “The ‘that’s not a knife, this is a knife’ is many people’s favourite part of that excellent movie”, Memphis explains, “but for me, it’s always been about that majestic throw – so much risk to be doing this on a crowded street, the relaxed throw and then the casual modesty after.  It’s incredible.  It’s what made me want to become a footballer.”

(Big shout out to Vangle for giving me the opportunity to add some new material to the world-famous acrostic collection.  I hope he signs at least forty new players next season so I can keep up the excellent work.)

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Have defected to go and watch a real sport.  This one has oily muscles, fake tan and tiny underpants so it’s at least sixty times better than football where they have to wear shirts all the time.

Prediction:  1-0 Me.

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 Brett (@FightInLaundryRoom)

I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged.  Their feathers are just too bright.  And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice.  Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.  I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really:  Get busy living or get jiggy with it.

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